Immortal
by LaughingLefou
Summary: Jaune Arc hated dying. This is an odd state of being for one to state they hated, as dying happens only but once. Twice maybe if you're lucky. Then again, you aren't the universe's chew toy either... Jaune x Harem. Rated M for swearing, gore, sexual themes and terrible jokes.
1. A Not-So-Good Start

_I do not own RWBY. That belongs to Rooster Teeth and Monty Oum, may he forever rest in peace._

 _ **Immortal**_

 **Chapter 1: A Not-So-Great Start**

There were three things in life that Jaune Arc hated above all else. From least to most, they were as follows: Raisins. They were the Devil's Fruit. They ruined all pastries they were placed into, and they were always deceptive. You'd bite into a cookie, thinking in glee that it was chocolate, but no! Instead you found yourself chewing into the wrinkled skin of a desiccated grape. Raisins reminded him of all the liars and deceivers in the world; of all the falsehoods people spoke to one another. A world without the evil purple Boogers of Lucifer would be a much better world indeed.

Second, flying. Jaune had always insisted that if man were meant to fly, then their creator would have had the foresight to give them wings. Instead, man was arrogant and decided to take to the air in giant metal deathtraps that had the intended side effect of making him vomit whenever he stepped foot onto one of them (and he was _sure_ that it was the intended side effect, no matter what anyone else said to the contrary!)

The third thing he hated, was death. More specifically, he hated _being_ dead. Of course, anyone with two brain cells to rub together would stop and wonder why that was on the list. Surely the fear of dying would be a better choice of words, right? Because, let's be honest here, dying is something that happens but once to most of us. Twice, maybe, if you're lucky enough to survive the first attempt. Maybe some rare, absurdly lucky bastard was capable of a third shot, but anything more than that would be absurd!

Then again, you aren't the universe's chew toy either.

It was the second most hated thing in existence that Jaune found himself unfortunately experiencing as he sat miserable with his head pressed against the cool glass between himself and the sky, watching as Vale slowly rolled by below them in their airship. It helped, if only a little, to quell the nausea he felt whenever he was forced onto anything that flew in the air. He tried to ignore the twisting and turning in his stomach, focusing instead on his own thoughts as he mentally ranted and raved, as he had been up until now.

 _I had plans. I did. I had all sorts of plans. I was going to BE something! I was going to be the best there was! But NOOOOOO! No one EVER asks Jaune what HE wants! Hey Jaune, you're gonna be a hunter! Hey Jaune, you're gonna go to Beacon! Hey Jaune, you're gonna get on the stupid plane! WELL SCREEEEEW YOU! I'll show you! I'll get kicked out of Beacon! That's right! When I get there, I'll just be the absolute WORST Hunter ever, and the Headmaster will HAVE to kick me out! When I get free, I'll finally be able to -_

"Hey, you okay?"

Jaune groaned and turned to find himself looking up at the kind of woman that men usually tripped over their own feet looking at. The kind of woman who men would get into accidents over as they drove past her. The kind of woman that men secretly talked about behind her back about the perverse things they'd do to her. The kind of woman...that Jaune wasn't really interested in. Sure, he admitted she had a smoking hot body, but if life experiences taught him anything, she was probably way too high maintenance to be worth any attempts at charming her.

"Mmmphfine." He managed to mumble out, trying his best to fight his stomach. Unfortunately, his stomach seemed to be quite the champion prize fighter, and he was starting to lose the match. "Ulp."

Another voice spoke up. "You sure? You don't look too good..."

Jaune looked down to see...well, she was adorable. The cutest damn girl he'd ever seen. She was like the physical embodiment of a puppy. The urge to hug her was almost overwhelming, but he resisted, having been used to his sisters trying to use cuteness to get their way, when it wasn't threats, that is. She was wearing a lovely gothic lolita dress with a red hood, and her silver eyes were wide in what Jaune could only describe as adorable concern. "H-g-l-k" He held his head in his hand and with his other, tried to wave them off. If he was going to upchuck, he was damn well not going to do it all over the cute girl. Hell, he'd rather not do it on anyone. It wouldn't do his social status any good, not that it'd matter in a week when he was kicked out.

The blond stepped forward, cracking her knuckles. "Hey, you got a problem with my little sister? She went out of her way to see if you were alright and I-"

Jaune had enough. He hated flying, he was being forced to join a school just because of his unique...whatever it was, was feeling sick, and now this blond bimbo was threatening him for trying to warn them off? If she was going to be this stupid, she'd suffer the consequences. Jaune threw in the towel...and threw up on the blond girl. More specifically, her shoes.

"MY SHOES!" The blond girl cried out, her face torn between anger and disgust.

"I...tried...to warn you..." Jaune groaned out, wiping his mouth with his hand.

"He did, Yang..." The adorable girl murmured, looking piteously at the blond girl who was busy trying to look around for something to clean her boots off.

"Oh my Oum, Ruby, this is why you need to keep your nose out of people's business!" Yang groaned and shook her head in disgust before turning to Jaune. "Great job, Vomit Boy..."

Jaune just glared at her and clutched his stomach. _Yep. Already hating life. This is all your fault, mom._

 _ **[Beacon Academy – Landing Zone]**_

The airship doors opened and Jaune stumbled out, rushing out as fast as he could and dropping to the ground, muttering. "Oh sweet, sweet ground…sweet wonderful ground...I shall never leave you again."

"Oh jeeze, Vomit Boy, _I_ was the one who got vomited on! Quit being so dramatic..." Jaune heard Yang groaning.

"Shut...it..." Jaune staggered to his feet, swaying. "Airsickness is...totally a common thing."

A giggle from behind Yang signaled Ruby's approach. "Sure it is...Vomit Boy." Ruby giggled again, earning a dejected groan from Jaune.

"Oh, not you too!"

Ruby giggled again. "Sorry, sorry. I don't know your name though."

"It's Jaune. Jaune Arc." _Don't bother remembering it. I won't be here long._

"Pfft. Still gonna call you Vomit Boy." Yang muttered, rolling her eyes.

"'cause, you know, when someone is groaning and making weird noises, clutching their stomach, having them actually vomit is so shocking!" Jaune dryly shot back.

Yang raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms. "You're an awfully sarcastic individual, aren't you?"

"Only on days that end in 'y'"

"Wait, why would you only be sarcastic in..." Yang trailed off before glaring at him. Her obvious and most likely violent reaction was cut off quickly when she heard Ruby guffawing, tears streaming from her eyes as she clutched her stomach. "R-Ruby!"

"S-sorry! Tee hee! It's just...bwhahaha! So funny!" Ruby continued laughing, earning a very sad look from Yang.

"S-stop laughing at your big sister! Ruby!"

Jaune couldn't help but grin tiredly. "At least one of you has a sense of humor."

Yang twitched. "Ruby, stop laughing at me, and Vomit Boy, stop being such a sarcastic ass!"

"I'll stop being a sarcastic ass when you stop calling me Vomit Boy." Jaune smirked. He looked around at the massive gathering of various students. He had to admit, he'd never been to such a place. He and his family lived on the outskirts of Vrytal, and it was mostly forests. Hell, he hadn't ever seen that many Grimm near his house either, now that he thought about it, but to be fair, that was probably because his mother was the literal embodiment of death. _And to think, they're all usually scared of my dad…_

"Pfft, not happening." Yang grumbled.

"...And they call me stubborn." Jaune rolled his eyes again, mirroring Yang's arm crossing.

"Hey, I don't have to stand here and take this! Come on Ruby, we need to get to the auditorium for the Headmaster's speech!" Yang started to drag her little sister away, glaring back at Jaune.

"But Yang! I wanted to hang out with Vo-er, Jaune more!" Ruby replied, correcting herself. The last thing she wanted to do was upset a potential new friend!

Jaune chuckled and waved his hand. "Actually, as much as I hate to admit, your sister there's got a point. You really should head to the auditorium."

"But we haven't gotten to show each other our weapons!" Ruby whined, giving a quivering lipped puppy dog look.

Both Yang and Jaune folded quickly under the power of the sheer adorableness coming from Ruby's expression. "Okay, okay, fine. Stay here with Vomit Boy if you want. You're both pretty socially awkward anyway..."

"'says the woman who goes around threatening people for being airsick. How's that working out for you?" Jaune quipped.

"Okay, okay, that's enough you two!" Ruby stepped in between them, putting her arms out. "No more arguing! Yang, stop being mean to Jaune for being sick after he tried to warn us away. Jaune, stop being a sourpuss to my sister."

Jaune sighed and shrugged. "Fine. It's a force of habit anyway."

"Great, just what I wanted to hear from the person who my little sister wants to be friends with." Yang growled.

"Yang!"

"B-but Ruby!"

Ruby stomped the ground. "No! Bad Yang!"

Yang sighed. "Alright, fine. For what it's worth, I'm glad you made a new friend already...even if he is a vomiting jerk."

Jaune face palmed and groaned. _Just one week Jaune. By that time, the Headmaster will think you're a useless pile of crap and you can leave Beacon to pursue your real dream. All I have to do is not die. That'll be easy, right? Just do the bare minimum so no one thinks you're special and you're home free!_

"So Jaune!" The blond boy was shaken out of his reverie by the cheerful sound of Ruby's voice as she bounced back and forth on her heels. "Wanna see my weapon?"

"Oh, um...sure." _Man, I hope she doesn't get too attached. She's nice and all, but I'm not sticking around here. Somewhere out there, there's a hotel that desperately needs me._

Ruby practically glowed with happiness and with pride, pulled out her weapon, hitting the switch to completely unfold it. "It's my baby. Her name is Crescent Rose."

Jaune gave a low whistle. "Wow, a variable switch scythe with a high impact sniper rifle in the handle? That's impressive."

Ruby's eyes widened. "You...you know!"

 _Yeah. I blame mom for that one. I also blame her for dealing with Yang. I also blame her for my fear of people with purple hair. I also blame her for being stuck here when I could be-_ Jaune shook his head. He'd have plenty of time to pursue that later. "Yeah, I had a little weapons training when I was younger, and I can sort of recognize a lot of various types of weaponry."

"That's so cool! What's your weapon!?" Ruby was bouncing in place, eyes wide and excited.

 _Nothing impressive, that's for sure. Not like I needed it anyway, what with me leaving soon._ "Oh, just this." Jaune pulled out Crocea Mors blade. "Doesn't turn into anything or have any range. Oh, I do have this shield though, that collapses into a sheath."

"Really?" Ruby tilted her head.

"Yeah. Doesn't even lighten the weight." He shrugged and sheathed the blade back. "Yeah, not as exciting as yours is."

Ruby frowned. She had to say something! "Er...the classics are always great!" She gave a thumbs up, earning another tired smile from Jaune in the process.

"Thanks, Rubes."

"No problem!"

"I think now though, we should make our way to the auditorium. Don't want to be late on our first day, do we?" _Well, I do, but I'd rather not drag her down with me. She seems so excited to be here._

"Right!" Ruby pumped her fist and started running off, leaving Jaune standing there dumbfounded.

"Wait, why are you running?! Ruby! _Look out_!" Jaune shouted as he watched Ruby running...and ran straight into a white haired girl and her suitcase. Jaune watched as suitcase was busted open and out flew a multitude of vials of... _Dust. Ruby!_ With that, Jaune rushed forward as fast as he could, grabbing Ruby before any of the vials made contact. Almost the second he did, there was a small explosion behind him.

" _You dunce!_ " The girl screamed, even as the ground continued to smoke from the near explosion. "Will you watch where you're going you idiot!"

"Hey, hey, hey!" Jaune snapped, letting go of Ruby who looked both shocked and chastised. "Accidents happen! Calm down!"

"Calm down?! That's extremely expensive Dust she knocked over! She was lucky she didn't get hurt! I swear, no one knows how to handle Dust these days!" The girl in white stomped, glaring at both Jaune and Ruby.

"Yeah, and yelling at someone about it is _totally_ going to fix things." Jaune snarked, crossing his arms and matching the girl's glare.

"Hey! You can't speak to me that way! Do you know who I am?" The girls stomped her foot, her arms going akimbo.

"You mean besides an uptight jerk?"

The girl in the white dress began to sputter angirly before stomping her foot down again. "I'm Weiss Schnee of the Schnee corporation!"

Jaune gave a small wave of his finger above his head. "Whoop-de-doo." He muttered in the most bored tone of voice he could muster.

Weiss' eye twitched and she began to grind her teeth before giving a 'hmph!' and turning on her heel to walk away, briskly putting what she could in her suitcase while muttering something about "blond dunces and red hooded idiots."

"Tch. What got into her?" Jaune replied, fixing Ruby with a wry smile.

"I...I didn't mean to..." Ruby replied, looking a bit upset.

"Hey, hey, relax! It's an accident! She's probably one of those stick-up-the-ass types who wouldn't know a good time if it bit her." Jaune shrugged, putting his hands into his pockets.

Ruby smiled and gave a little laugh. "Thanks, Jaune."

"Hey, anytime." He began to amble forward, whistling, before stopping and turning around to Ruby, who was still staring nervously at Weiss. "Hey, shouldn't we get to the opening ceremony?"

Ruby's eyes suddenly widened. "You're right! I can't be late!" Before Jaune could say anymore, the young woman suddenly vanished in a gust of wind and a flurry of rose petals. Jaune blinked, staring at the spot Ruby once occupied, blinking.

"Well...great. Where else am I going to find a nice, quirky girl to talk to?" He muttered, turning on his heel and beginning to stroll away once more, missing a pair of emerald eyes focusing upon him with intense curiosity…

 _Death Count: 2,033 deaths..._

 _ **Author's Note: Yep, a short chapter to start off with, but I'm honestly not the best at beginnings. Things should pick up around initiation, but for now, a bit of background is nice for our characters. For those of you who are interested in some of my other ideas, I added some new ones (as well as the ones listed on The Phantom Nevermore) on my profile, so check them out if you're curious. And don't worry. Jaune's life is going to suck even worse, soon enough...**_


	2. Blasphemy

_I do not own RWBY. If you're here for a solid, dramatic stories with characters acting as they do in canon and philosophical quandaries...you've come to the WRONG PLACE!_

 **Chapter 2: Blasphemy**

Pyrrha Nikos had spent most of her life being worshiped. Called the 'Goddess of Victory' and praised repeatedly, Pyrrha had been placed on a pedestal for her entire life. Four time Mistral Champion, greatest hunter in her school; Pyrrha was never short on praise. This, however, raised problems. Mainly that Pyrrha Nikos, truly thought she was a Remnant-bound Goddess. Why else would she wear combat stilettos and thigh-highs if not to show off her divine ass? Why else would she wear a tiny miniskirt in combat and a top that showed off her generous cleavage if not to remind everyone gazing upon her of her beauty?

However, not all was ambrosia and nectar for the Goddess of Victory. Being the perfect and utterly gorgeous Goddess was a lonely existence. Because of her overwhelming skill on the battlefield, her wisdom, her kindness and her beauty, she found herself being alone. She needed someone, a holy consort. A High Priest whose duties would include warming her divine bed, and setting fire to her divine heart. So when she had graduated from Sanctum, she decided that the best possible course of action would be to travel to Beacon, to spread her word and to find the chosen one who would become her beloved.

So far, all she saw were more worshipers. The girl in white, Weiss was her name? She seemed to be quite the worshiper, praising her skill and offering her loyalty as what she called 'partners.' This however, would not do. She didn't dislike the loyalty her follower showed, but she wasn't into the female form. Hers was enough, thank you. She needed a strong male, preferably one who didn't know of her. One she could shape into the perfect worshiper, the perfect High Priest for her religion.

And that's when she saw _him_. He was handsome, with hair of spun gold, and eyes of the purest sapphires. Upon gazing on his form, she knew that the king of the gods, Monty Oum himself, had him forged just for her. She was certain when, much to her initial surprise, she noticed his gaze passing right over her as he chatted with a smaller hooded girl. His eyes didn't even recognize her. There were no words of praise, no getting down to his knees before her beauty, he didn't even look as though he even recognized her existence! Confidently she strode towards him, as he ambled away, whistling a tuneless song. She'd follow him, observe him. So far, every sign pointed towards him being the _one,_ the one she'd make her High Priest.

Eventually they found themselves in the auditorium and the beautiful blond made his way to a seat in the back, as if trying to avoid everyone else. The look in his face looked irritated, as though he didn't want to be there. Pyrrha made her way next to him and sat down, quietly, waiting for his reaction. There was none. He didn't even bother to look at her! This was a surprise; men couldn't keep their eyes off of her, for good reason, of course. The young blond man simply sat back, gazing upon the stage with a bored expression. _Well, of course he'd be bored. Any High Priest of mine would have to be skilled and strong. This is most likely just ceremony for him, as it is for me._ Pyrrha nodded to herself. _In fact, I bet he's here for me, isn't he? Lord Monty obviously saw my plight and granted me this lovely male for my bedchambers. I shall grant him all my blessings._

"Good morning." Pyrrha spoke up, hoping to grab his attention.

A few moments passed before the blond looked to her, cocking an eyebrow. "Er, sorry?"

"I said, good morning." She flashed him her award winning smile.

He shrugged. "'suppose so. Could do without all the pomp and circumstance though." After speaking, his gaze went right back to the stage.

Pyrrha was stunned. Nothing? His eyes didn't even hold a hunger in them! Shouldn't he be staring at her as though he'd ravish her on the spot? _No, wait. This must be a test. Lord Monty obviously wants me to win him, as I've won so many battles before. Well, as the Goddess of Victory, I cannot simply let this stand. I shall claim him as my own!_ "My name is Pyrrha Nikos," She spoke, hoping that she'd get something from her name at least, "And what's yours?"

"Jaune. Jaune Arc." He extended a hand, giving a soft smile.

Pyrrha's heart melted at that. Gods above, he looked absolutely heavenly when he smiled! He needed to do that much more often. She'd give him reason enough, to be sure. She took his hand and shook it, as the mortals did, flashing him another smile. "It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Arc."

Jaune waved his hand. "Please, Mr. Arc was my father. Call me Jaune."

 _Already telling me to address you so familiarly? I'm already working my way towards your heart, aren't I?_ "Of course, Jaune."

If Pyrrha really _was_ a Goddess and could see into Jaune's mind, she'd be very disappointed. She was barely registering in his thoughts. _I hate you so much mom. You and your stupid training and your killing me over TWO THOUSAND TIMES, and your sending me to Beacon...why am I even here? I can kill a fucking Beowulf for Oum's sake! I have other things I'd rather be doing! Oum above, when the hell is the Headmaster going to show up? I don't have all day. I'd like to get kicked out sooner, rather than later, thank you!_

Pyrrha cleared her throat, after watching him go silent for a while. "So, Jaune, have you given any thought to who you would like as your partner here at Beacon?"

Jaune remained silent for a bit before shaking his head and turning to her. "Er, sorry, what was that again? Apologies, I'm easily distracted with my own thoughts sometime." He gave a sheepish grin, feeling a little embarrassed for being so rude to someone he'd just met. The girl seemed nice enough. She was, as with most of the girls he saw on Beacon's campus, beautiful. At this point, Jaune had to wonder if Beacon was actually a school for supermodels or something. _That can't be right...I'm here after all, aren't I?_

"I'd asked, have you given any though to who you'd like as a partner?"

 _No one? 'cause I'm not gonna be here long?_ "Er, not really. I'll run with it as I go. As long as I don't get that stick up the ass by the name of Weiss, I'll be good with whoever." _Oh, and not Yang either. Call me Vomit Boy, will you?_

Pyrrha's smile grew. _Ah, trying to act nonchalant about it, hm? Let's give you something to look forward to then._ "Well, I'm unfamiliar with most people here...perhaps you'd like to become my partner?"

Jaune scratched his chin. "Maybe? I don't think we really get a choice in the matter."

"There is _always_ a choice, Jaune." She placed a hand on his shoulder, willing her blessings upon him. _And with this, you and I shall be as one. Our souls will call to each other, and we will show this world my mercy and my blessings._

Whether or not this worked, Jaune was too busy looking back up at the stage, barely registering Pyrrha's hand on his shoulder. Finally, after having waited for what felt like forever, Jaune noticed a white-haired, well dressed and bespectacled man strolling onto the stage, cane in hand. _Fucking finally. Took you long enough. Now let's get this over with, shall we?_

 **[Some Time Later…]**

 _Blah Blah Blah. Oh my Oum, you love to hear yourself talk, don't you?!_ Jaune's patience was wearing thin at what he assumed the half-hour mark. _You will now shut up. Now. Now. Now. Shut up now! Why can't I make you shut up with the power of my mind!_

"So," Pyrrha whispered, "Given any thought to what I said?"

Jaune's expression mirrored one of that of someone constipated as he continued to concentrate as hard as he could on making Ozpin shut up with the power of his hate. _Why are you still talking? Do you speak in nothing but riddles and buzzwords? Yes, I know we're here for excellence! Shut up! Why?!_

"Jaune? Um, what are you doing?"

"Trying to make Ozpin shut up with the power of my mind." Jaune whispered back. "Evidently, it isn't working."

 _Of course it isn't working, you sweet, luscious boy. I'm the Goddess here._ "Allow me to try." Pyrrha replied. _You can show me your gratitude later._ She concentrated on Ozpin and pulled upon her divine essence to silence the old man…

And if you've been paying any attention, this obviously didn't work. Pyrrha might have _thought_ she was a Goddess, but you can think all day of stuff and it wouldn't come true. So instead, both Pyrrha and Jaune sat there, looking almost constipated as they both attempted to silence Ozpin's speech. This, did not go unnoticed by the Headmaster himself, who found himself confused by the two students in the back frowning. Was his speeches really that boring? Maybe they needed to use the bathroom. There was no way Pyrrha Nikos would be trying to shut him up with the power of her mind, right? And certainly not Jaune Arc, son of Alexander The Great and his beautiful wife, Violetta the Crimson Angel, would be trying to shut him up with the power of his mind, right? Still, he _had_ been taking an awful long time… "And with that, students, I am proud to be the first to say, welcome to Beacon!"

Everyone cheered and Jaune sat back, relief in his eyes. "Could you have taken _any_ longer?"

Pyrrha sat back as well, looking smug. "There. He has been silenced."

Jaune blinked. Did she think she did that? Ozpin must have just gotten bored. Or realized that everyone was currently either half asleep or ready to commit first-degree murder. He got up and stretched before giving a half-hearted wave to the redhead who'd been sitting next to him. "Anywho, it was nice to meet you."

Pyrrha nodded, giving her brilliant smile. "I look forward to becoming your partner, Jaune."

Jaune cocked an eyebrow again. "Er, if that occurs, sure."

"Oh, it will." Pyrrha replied with such conviction, that Jaune was seriously wondering if she had some sort of in with the staff. Maybe she was related to Ozpin? Or Tits McGee, that blond woman with the riding crop? _What was her name again?_

"Sure. Talk to you later..." Jaune wandered off again, feeling a bit strange about the girl now, who had a very odd look about her eyes. He couldn't tell if she was looking tired, or trying to be flirty, but either way, he was already growing tired and wanted to simply grab his stuff, collapse into a bed and try to figure out how the hell he'd get kicked out without anyone finding about his little... _skill._

It was this thought that filled Jaune's head as he wandered aimlessly through the hallways of Beacon, letting his feet take him wherever he wanted. So what if he ended up in some forbidden area filled with a teacher's secret sex dungeon. He didn't care, he'd take the expulsion with pride! He'd laugh his way out as they booted him from Beacon! It was freeing, knowing that there was nothing they could do that he didn't want them to do. He was nonpunishable! _Didn't Tits McGee have a riding crop? Maybe she has the hidden sex dungeon here in the school._ He giggled to himself over his stupid joke, shaking his head. So distracted was he, that he didn't even notice his surroundings until he found himself accidentally bumped into someone, stumbling backwards.

"Oof!" Someone crashed to the floor. Jaune stared down and blinked at the young woman he'd run into. Black hair, black bow and a lovely black and white outfit greeted him, a pair of golden eyes blinking up at him looking upset. "Ow, watch where you're going!"

"Sorry, sorry!" Jaune extended a hand to help her up, and after a moment of hesitation, she clasped his hand with her own and let him help her to her feet. "Really sorry about that, I've just been kind of wandering around." His eyes flickered to her other hand, noticing the book in it. "Oh, Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde? I love that book, although I've always been more partial to the Count of Monty Christo."

The woman's golden eyes widened in surprise. "You've read the classics?"

"Yeah. My parents...er, mother, more like, put me through some...er... _brutal_ training, and I spent a decent amount of time laid up in bed, and all I had to do while resting was read, so..." Jaune shrugged.

"Ouch. Sounds rough." She gave him a very small smile. "What's your favorite genre of books?"

Jaune scratched the back of his head and his face went red for a few moments. "Er...adventure?"

"Are you asking me or telling me?" The smile on her face was almost teasing, as was her tone of voice.

"Sorry. Oh, before I forget, I'm Jaune. Jaune Arc." Jaune extended his hand once more in greeting, and the young woman shook his hand.

"Blake Belladona. It's nice to meet you, Jaune."

"Likewise. I'll leave you to your reading, don't want to be a bother." Jaune explained.

"No bother. Thanks for helping me up."

"Anytime." Jaune smiled and nodded, walking away with yet another whistle. If there was one t hing he'd miss when he was inevitably kicked out of Beacon, it would be the people. There were so many nice people, with only a few jerks here and there. Eventually his wandering took him in what he could only describe as a large circle, and found himself walking into the main room, with bunches of new students all currently dressed in their night clothes. Evidently everyone was sleeping in the main room from what he could tell.

"Hey, Jaune!" a cheerful voice called out to him and Jaune turned around to see Ruby approaching him, clutching a pillow. Yang was close behind looking more amused than anything. "Don't tell me you're sleeping in your day clothes!"

Jaune waved his hand dismissively. "Nah, I just was wandering around Beacon and didn't get back until now. This place is...massive. Crazy big. Probably gonna get lost to all my classes..." Jaune muttered, slumping forward.

Ruby simply laughed and patted him on the head. "It's okay Jaune. We can look together!" She pumped her fist, earning a small chuckle from Jaune.

"So, Vomit Boy, did you bring anything interesting to sleep in? I can see you wearing a onesie." Yang smirked.

Jaune rolled his eyes. "You wouldn't be far off the mark, but my folks made me leave it behind..."

Yang's face deadpanned. "Wait, seriously? I was just joking...or are you being sarcastic again?"

"Hey, screw you, my sister made me that onesie!" Jaune snapped, pointing his finger at Yang.

"Woah, calm down there Vomit Boy. Didn't mean to insult your family."

"You said your parents made you leave it behind?" Ruby added.

"Yeah..." Jaune sighed. "Looks like it's an undershirt and boxers for me."

"Let me guess, cartoon characters?" Yang grinned.

"I swear to Oum, I throw up once and I'm suddenly the class idiot..." Jaune murmured irritably.

"Aw, come on, I'm just teasin'. What'd you think of the Headmaster's speech?" Yang rolled her shoulders as she spoke.

"The man loves to hear himself talk." Jaune's tone was still dry as he spoke.

"I think he was nice." Ruby clutched her pillow closer.

"So, saw you flirtin' with _the_ Pyrrha Nikos earlier..." Yang teased, her voice suggestive.

"What? We said only a few words to each other. If that's flirting Yang, then I'm pretty certain seducing you is easier than tying my shoes..." Jaune trailed off with a smirk.

"Hey! I'm _very_ hard to seduce, mister! Hell, I'm the one who seduces!" Yang crossed her arms with a hmph.

"Please refrain from doing so. I'd like to keep what little breakfast I had remaining inside of me, lest your shoes pay the price again." Jaune snarked.

"Are you saying the thought of me trying to seduce you makes you sick?" Yang's eyes narrowed, arms crossing under her prodigious bust.

"No, what I'm saying is...actually, yes." Jaune smirk grew wider. "Yes it does."

Yang cracked her knuckles, a vicious smile widening over her face. "Sorry Ruby, but I'm afraid you're back to square one on making new friends..."

 _Death Count: 2,033_

 _ **Author's Note: So there ya go, chapter two finished! Hope you guys enjoyed this! I'll be honest with you all, this is gonna be a crazy ride. As you can tell, not everyone's gonna be in canon. Hopefully 'Goddess' Pyrrha is entertaining enough to you all, and I hope future plans will entertain you further. I also hinted at how Jaune has been killed over 2000 times, but it'll be confirmed later.**_

 _ **As always, please leave reviews!**_


	3. Dominance and Death

_I don't own RWBY_

 **Chapter 3: Dominance and Death**

Jaune awoke, as he usually did, feeling like he'd rather just spend the entire day in bed. Thankfully he awoke, not from an injury, as Ruby had managed to talk Yang down, and Jaune, much to everyone's surprise, actually apologized to Yang, admitting that he had taken his snarking a bit too far, and honestly did feel bad about the entire situation. This managed to lower Yang's ire enough to where she had simply spent the night grumbling with her arms crossed. The rest of the night was fairly well off, and when Jaune fell asleep, he was all too ready to taken on the day.

Of course, waking up completely ruined that mood. Well, he couldn't be too angry. Ruby had been nice enough to wake him up, blabbering incomprehensibly about not being late for initiation. Which really sucked, as Jaune was planning on sleeping through it and getting kicked out. However, one look at Ruby's adorably innocent face and Jaune was trudging through Beacon's hallways once more, trying to find his damnable locker. _Okay, I know I wasn't this far down. This is getting ridiculous. All I wanted to do was sleep in and fail! Is that too much to ask?_

His internal grumbling and muttering had distracted him once more, and again like the night before, he found himself bumping into someone. "Oof! Watch where you're going you dunce!" A voice screeched at Jaune, knocking him out of his self-exploratory reverie.

With a groan, Jaune looked down to see one Weiss Schnee staring up at him, glaring. "Oh. It's you." Jaune muttered, rolling his eyes.

"E-e-excuse me?!" Weiss jumped to her feet, glaring at him. "How dare you treat me like that! It was _your_ fault for bumping into _me_!"

"Yeah, and I'm not going to hear the end of it until I graduate Beacon, am I?" Jaune muttered dryly.

Another voice spoke up behind Jaune, soft and calm. "Ah, Jaune, there you are."

Jaune whirled around to see Pyrrha standing there, all smiles. "Oh, hey Pyrrha."

"Hey! I'm not done talking to you! And how dare you address her so familiarly!" Weiss snapped, stomping on the ground. "Do you know who she is?!"

Jaune blinked. "...Pyrrha Nikos. She introduced herself yesterday."

Weiss facepalmed. "You blonde dunce! She's the four time Mistral Champion!"

Jaune's face deadpanned. "Okay…?"

"She's on the front of Pumpkin Pete's Marshmallow Flakes!"

"So?"

Weiss made a strangled noise somewhere between a gasp and a cry of indignation, but Pyrrha seemed more focused on Jaune than paying any attention to the white haired girl's distress. "So Jaune, I'm looking forward to becoming your partner today." She fixed him with a confident smile, as though there was literally no way such a thing couldn't come to pass.

Jaune's lips drew into a thin line of mild irritation. "Er, I'm still telling you I don't think that's how that works. Also, teams are in groups of four, so have you thought about anyone else you'd want on your team?"

 _Oh Jaune, you are more than enough for me._ Pyrrha's smiled as she thought to herself. "Honestly, I really haven't thought of that. I'm sure you and I would be more than enough as a team."

Jaune froze, his blood turning to ice in his veins. _Shit...does she know about...no. There's no way she could know that. The Twelve, er, make that Thirteen Arc Family Blade Techniques are a secret. There's no way she could know I've mastered eleven of them and created my own…_ "Er...thanks?"

" _EXCUSE ME!_ " Weiss yelled, obviously infuriated at being ignored for so long. "Pyrrha, you can't possibly mean to tell me you plan to partner with this rude, irritating, idiotic dunce?!"

Weiss was actually taken aback for a second when Pyrrha's face oh-so-briefly turned into an ugly snarl, but as soon as it appeared, it vanished leaving behind Pyrrha's wise and merciful countenance. "Mr. Arc here is a very kind and welcoming individual, Ms. Schnee. Our discussion yesterday has shown me that Monty above has declared our partnership to be etched into the stars themselves."

Weiss cocked an eyebrow. "Er, what?"

"I've stopped asking that the moment I stepped foot onto this campus..." Jaune muttered.

"I wasn't asking you!" Weiss yelled back.

"Right, because asking yourself questions is definitely a sure sign of mental stability."

Now, if you've been paying attention, you can probably ascertain that Weiss does _not_ like Jaune. At all. But since this _is_ a work of fiction and we are allowed the innermost personal thoughts of each characters, such as Jaune's complaints and running commentary and Pyrrha's mental lunacy, let's, for a brief moment, gaze into the thoughts of the Schnee heiress, shall we?

 _On your knees you beautiful blond fool! Your resistance and will only increase my ardor! I shall have you bowing before me before this year is through, mark my words! I am Weiss Schnee, the most beautiful woman in Beacon! You can fight and fight, but I will break you!_ Weiss' mind proceeded to construct a fantasy involving Jaune bound, gagged, and on his knees, while she was wearing a very provocative white leather corset and white leather stockings, a white leather whip in her hand. _Call me Mistress! Call me Queen!_

If Jaune could see inside of her head, he'd have probably taken off for the hills at a speed that would have made Ruby's Semblance seem slow. Weiss had been sick of dealing with the multitude of foolish men who came one after the other for her hand in marriage, and after a while, she found herself growing bored of them. Yes, she liked being in control, and yes, she did own a number of accessories that would bring a blush to even Yang's face, but the men she dealt with on a daily basis were so weak willed and foolish. Jaune though...Weiss found herself growing enamored with him the moment they met, as Jaune wasn't like the rest of her suitors, willing to throw away all dignity at first glance to impress her. To him, the name Schnee meant nothing, no, less than nothing! This of course set a fire to her. She wanted _him._ She wanted him on his knees, worshiping her! He was a challenge, and one she wanted to overcome. She would not be happy until Jaune had declared her to be his Queen!

Of course, Jaune couldn't see this, so all he noticed was Weiss glaring at him. With a roll of his eyes, he turned back to Pyrrha. "Be that as it may, we still need two other people."

"First of all, Pyrrha and I will be partners, not you, you blond dunce!" Weiss shouted. "And there's no way that I would ever be on a team with y-" She stopped and Jaune could swear he saw a light dusting of pink on Weiss' cheeks as she spoke up again. "Actually, I take that back! You'll be on my team so I can keep a close eye on you! If I don't you'll most likely end up blowing up half of Beacon with your idiocy! But Pyrrha will become _my_ partner!" Weiss was not going to tolerate any possible competition for her prey, and not only would her and Pyrrha be an amazing and legendary team, but Pyrrha wouldn't be able to insinuate herself into Jaune's good graces what with her around!

"First, no. Second, no. Third, I'm outta here." Jaune grumbled. Already his morning wasn't going well, having to actually get up and go to the stupid Initiation, and how having to deal with a girl who seemed to have anger issues from his point of view.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Jaune," Pyrrha began, "We shall meet again. Should you encounter trouble during Initiation, simply pull upon my divine essence."

Jaune stopped, his brain ceasing to work. _Divine what now?_ "Er...right." _Not going to argue with this, just going to go down there, find the easiest way to fail and leave ASAP. Not dealing with Weiss, not dealing with Pyrrha, not dealing with anyone. Best of all, mom can't stop me! TAKE THAT MOM!_

 **[Emerald Forest – Clifftop]**

"...and the Initiation, which began during the first year of Beacon, circa 209, is a test that determines ones preparedness as you begin your journey here at Beacon. Each Initiation is different from the previous one, but all are made to test you on the skills you have learned, whether from independent study, of one of the previous schools you have attended. Now Initiation is considered to be..." Ozpin's voice continued on and on and on, unaware of the fact that half the students were actually asleep standing up on their launch pads.

Jaune on the other hand, was contemplating murder. _That's it. If he talks any loner, I'm using_ it _. I don't care, I'll go on the run! I'll become a criminal or something! The Chef of Crime! No wait...that's a stupid name. Why would I ever do that? Maybe I could become a thief? Like a Phantom Thief from the comics! Yeah, I'd be The Phantom Nevermore! No...that's stupid too. Oh Oum, he's still talking. No one cares, Ozpin. What the hell am I standing on anyway? What are we even supposed to do? Please tell me we're not supposed to decipher that from your speech, I might be the only other person who is actually listening to you!_

This wasn't much of an exaggeration. Those who were still awake were busy checking their weaponry, doing stretches, or a few were even chatting with each other in low voices. Ruby looked like she was talking to herself, probably psyching herself up for the test they were on. _If I had to stay,_ Jaune thought, _I think I'd like Ruby as a partner. She's really nice and she's gone out of her way to be friends with me. Best of all, she doesn't seem like she has any serious mental issues. That Blake girl would be nice too. She seemed pretty normal and down to Remnant._ Jaune continued to gaze at the line of students, all ready and waiting for Ozpin's speech to _finally_ die down.

"...this is going to be a serious test. If you wish to survive, you must destroy everything in your path. Show no mercy. To pass this test, you must make your way to the ruins in the middle of the Emerald Forest and attain from there a relic. Your partner will be the first one you make eye contact with." Ozpin finally got around to saying, much to Jaune's infinite relief.

"Excuse me, sir?" Jaune brought up. "What if we were to return _without_ a relic?"

Ozpin stroked his chin curiously. "Well...you'd fail."

 _Bingo!_ Jaune grinned widely. "So how are we doing this? We walking down?"

"Actually, Mr. Arc, you are currently standing on a launch pad. Throughout your career here at Beacon, you well be required to make long drops, and so therefore you must utilize your landing strategy."

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Oh sure. Who needs coffee or cigarettes in the morning to wake up? We have danger, and flying! You understand we have legs, right? We can just walk down."

Ozpin stared at Jaune for a while before slowly bringing up his Scroll, and purposefully bringing his finger down onto the piece of technology while maintaining eye contact with Jaune. With a loud _SPRONNGGGGGG_ Jaune was launched sky high. As he flew through the air, arms and legs flailing from the sudden launch, Jaune's voice could be heard clear as day, "FUCK YOU OZPIiiinnn..."

The Headmaster stood there and very carefully took a sip of his coffee as the surrounding students stared back at him curiously, awaiting his reaction. After he finished his sip of coffee, he stared out over the greenery of the Emerald forest and spoke only a single word. "Rude."

In a row, the students were launched, one after the other, being flown through the air. With cries of panic, excitement and a few who simply remained silent, everyone proceeded to prepare their landing strategies lest they meet a grisly end. Pyrrha was the first to land, and her very first action was to start looking around, gazing through her scope to find the object of her affection. She noticed him, attempting to adjust himself in mid-flight, and smiled. She knew that the gods helped those who helped themselves, and while she knew they were destined to be together, it would help if she stacked the deck in her favor. She aimed her rifle, preparing the spear, and fired it. She knew it would be straight and true, pinning her beloved to a tree by his cute hoodie and leaving him dangling there for her find and claim.

She smiled to herself and nodded. He was as good as hers.

 **[Airspace Above Emerald Forest – South]**

Meanwhile, Ruby smiled as she fired at the bird in the air. The small Nevermore would be a great kill to start off her day, but the bird kept dodging her shots. She fired again and again with her massive sniper rifle, but somehow, it managed to avoid everything she fired at it and it was frustrating. In fact, if she didn't know any better, she'd say that the bird didn't even notice her! It seemed to simply fly around in the air lazily, wings out stretched as though it didn't have a care in the world. She flew right at it, boot stretched out, ready to kick it out of the sky...and missed. She pouted even as she managed to catch herself on a branch with the blade of Crescent Rose and flipped around, landing on her feet with practiced dexterity.

She whistled to herself, flipping her scythe around as she began to stroll through the woods. "So, Crescent? Help me find Yang?"

Silence.

"Why don't you think I should be partners with Yang?"

More silence.

"You do make a good point. Yeah, Jaune would make a great partner! He's really nice to me and he's kind of funny. Oh, and don't tell anyone, but he's really cute too."

The only sound that could be heard was the sounds of birds chirping and the wind whistling through the surrounding forest.

"You think so?" Ruby blushed and drew her foot in circles, looking down at the ground. "You think he'd actually ask me?"

Even more silence.

"You're right! If I'm partners with him, he might ask me out! Alright Crescent Rose, you've convinced me! Let's fine Jaune!"

Ruby proceeded to vanish in a puff of rose petals. No one else followed.

 **[Airspace Above Emerald Forest – East]**

Jaune flew through the air, the wind whipping past his face. If one could see his expression while he was being launched at high speeds, they'd have laughed at the irritable and deadpan expression gracing his boyish features. _Okay, okay. Let's land first, then find our way back without running into anyone. If you don't fight and you don't die, and you get back to Ozpin empty handed, he'll kick you out and you'll be home free! Now, you have some Lien saved up, so you can afford to grab an apartment while you search for a job. Wasn't the_ Exvnir _hotel hiring for a chef? I should check with them first._

Jaune smiled and nodded as he flew, flipping his body around. His Aura had been unlocked for a long, long time, and he was _very_ skilled in controlling it. All he'd have to do is land on the ground with his Aura primed and he'd be siting pretty. As he prepared to land, the green trees growing bigger in his vision, ready to land on his feet with expertise, something went wrong. Agony suddenly lanced through his chest and his body went horizontal, slamming him into the trunk of a tree. Jaune coughed and watched as bright red blood was forced from his mouth. He looked down and saw a bronze spear, directly through his chest, pinning him to a massive tree. Judging by how it felt, whoever shot it at him had pierced his heart and he'd be dead in seconds.

So he could be forgiven for having stared down and with the air of someone who'd had wine spilled on an expensive suit, simply murmured, "Oh for fuck's sake..."

And died.

 _Death Count: 2,034_

 _ **Author's Note: Weiss is a dominatrix, Ruby talks to her weapon, Pyrrha thinks she's a Goddess and Jaune is a sarcastic foul-mouthed immortal. Looking for canon characters? HA! Hopefully this will continue being hilarious for all of you, and I hope you'll all enjoy some of the future ideas I have for this particular fic. Also, those of you hoping for certain parings...fuggidaboutit. No Renora, no White Rose, no Solar Eclipse (Sun/Blake)...Jaune's getting paired with erry'body! How? Why? When? How bad is Jaune's life going to be after this? Continue reading to find out!**_

 _ **And please keep leaving reviews!**_


	4. The Nevermores And The Bumblebees

_I do not own RWBY. Boingy Boingy Whoopsy Knickers. I should let all of you know that when I said Jaune would be paired with everyone, I didn't really mean EVERYONE. Just pretty much almost every female character I can make entertaining. And maybe Ren._

 **Chapter 4: The Nevermores And The Bumblebees**

Pyrrha felt extremely confident. This was like saying that the sun might be slightly hot, or that water was damp; an extreme understatement. Everything had been going her way and she was steadily making her way to where she knew she'd captured her beloved. She'd run into a couple of Grimm, but they were dispatched with ease and minimal amount of effort. Yes, life was going well for her. She was confident in her aiming skills to make sure her chosen High Priest wouldn't be caught by any other person and shanghaied as their partner instead of hers.

She made her way through the Emerald Forest, moving quicker as the time ticked on to make sure she got her prize. Eventually, she found herself nearby the area she'd assumed Jaune would have landed. "Jaaaauuuunnneeee..." Pyrrha singsonged, trying to catch his attention. _I wonder if he'd be interested in a little pre-Initiation worship…_ She giggled to herself, her cheeks turning red. "Jaune? Are you here?"

 _Drip._

"Jaune? Are you there? It's me, Pyrrha."

 _Drip._

Pyrrha gazed about, frowning, then stopped. A relatively large puddle of blood was on the ground at the base of the tree, still bright red and fresh. Slowly, her emerald eyes gazed up, and her normally calm, wise demeanor dropped like a rock when she saw him, her beloved, her High Priest, the beautiful blond impaled through the chest to the tree behind him, limp and unmoving, blood still dripping from the end of her spear. _"Jaune!"_ She cried out, using her Semblance to pull her spear from Jaune's body with a sickening _schlorp!_

His body fell and she caught him, eyes watering as she laid him down. She listened for a breath, anything, but there was no pulse, no breath, nothing. He was cold as the ground upon which he laid. "Why...why oh Lord Monty? Why would you take him from me like this!? Am I being punished for hubris! Oh Lord Monty, please, I beg of thee, spare this man! I cannot imagine life without him!" With all the pomp and circumstance of an out of work drama student, Pyrrha got to her knees and gazed skywards as she continued to plead. "Please, show mercy upon your faithful servant! Do not take him from me like this!"

Nothing. Pyrrha sniffled and sobbed, wiping her eyes. She slowly closed Jaune's eyes, (although why he looked more irritated than anything even in death was beyond even her divine ken) and slowly got to her feet. _Oh Lord Monty...why would you do this to me? Was I not a good, merciful Goddess? Was I not kind to my worshipers? Why would you present me such perfection and take it away like this? My aim was true, only your divine word could have changed its course! Why, oh Lord?!_

Now, if you've been paying attention, (and I hope you have been) Pyrrha is _not_ a Goddess. So one could obviously infer that it was not Lord Monty who impaled Jaune through the chest, but Pyrrha herself, unable to accept the fact that she was not, in fact, perfect. Of course, all of this is beyond our mentally insane champion Spartan, so she simply began to walk away, turning away from her beloved's body as she slowly trudged away in tears. " _WHY OH LORD MONTY?!_ "

She fell silent as she began to long, lonesome journey without her High Priest, feeling more lonely than ever, when something caught her attention. An impossibility. Something that shouldn't be. "Oh for fuck's sake! My hoodie's covered in blood! Great, and there's a massive fucking hole in the chest too. I swear, when I find the son of a bitch who impaled me, I'm shoving Crocea Mors shielth so far up their ass, that I can punch them in the taint and use them as a shield instead!"

Pyrrha slowly turned around, eyes wide, face paling. Jaune Arc was sitting upright, stretching out the fabric of his hoodie, glaring down at it. _I-I-Impossible! He...he's alive?! But he died! I checked his pulse! He wasn't breathing! Is he...is he...a god?_

"Seriously, this day is just staring _oh-so-fucking swell!_ How hard is it to just land, and walk back to the freaking cliff and _fail_! This is mom's fault. _YOU HEAR ME MOM!?_ " Jaune screamed wrathfully, shaking his fist to the sky. _"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!_ " Pyrrha blinked, still in shock, trying to ascertain exactly who the blond was before her. "Great," Jaune continued, "Now what gets blood stains out of clothing? Was it vinegar? Or was that semen stains?"

Pyrrha's eyes widened. _S-semen stains? What on Remnant?! What has he been doing?_

"No, wait, it's hydrogen peroxide! That's it. I'm going to have to buy that by the bucket load aren't I? Not to mention I have to worry about dealing with the giant hole in my hoodie and shirt. Suppose I can just repair it with my sewing kit once I get back."

 _What kind of god is he though?_ Pyrrha's mind continued wandering as she stared at Jaune. _A god of textiles? A deity of protectors? A...a sex god?!_ That last one didn't sit with Pyrrha as badly as she'd thought. _Well, he couldn't be my High Priest, but this is even better! It all makes sense for a God and a Goddess to become as one! No wonder he wasn't completely won over on first sight; he's used to gazing upon such divine delights! I'll have to work harder than ever then, in order to capture his divine heart!_ She pumped her fist silently and approached Jaune, who was still in mid conversation with himself.

"Alright, now to get the hell out of Dodge. All I have to do is walk back to the cliff side, have Ozpin fail me, and I'm out of here!" Jaune nodded to himself, turned his head, and froze solid upon seeing Pyrrha standing before him, smiling. The color drained from Jaune's face and his mouth opened and closed a few times, wordlessly, until he finally managed to catch his breath. "H-h-how long h-have you b-been there?"

"Long enough to understand your divine nature. Forgive me for not having noticed previously." Pyrrha replied in a matter of fact tone, as though she were apologizing for not having noticed a new hair cut.

"I...you...what?"

"Pray tell, what aspect do you reign over? I am Pyrrha Nikos, Goddess of Victory." She reintroduced herself, smiling down at him.

Jaune blinked, going quiet before the surrounding clearing echoed with the sound of Jaune's hand meeting his forehead. "You've got to be kidding me. There are so many things wrong with this situation that I don't think I'm capable of counting that high..." He groaned and slowly stood up, getting to his feet. "Okay, first things first, I'm not a god, I'm human. I'm just... _cursed_ with this stupid immortality. Number two, this stays between us, capiche? No one needs to know about this. Not Ruby, not Yang, and _certainly_ not Ozpin! And third, Goddess of Victory? Do you actually think you're a real life Goddess?" Jaune's eye was twitching by this point.

Pyrrha stood, confused. "W-well of course! What else would I be with all the praise I've received over the years? So many others have called me perfect, that what else could I be?"

Jaune pinched the bridge of his nose. "You know what, never mind. I'm leaving." Jaune began trudging his way back to where he assumed Ozpin would be.

"Jaune, where are you going?"

Jaune turned around, frowning. "Simple. Failing this test."

"W-what? You can't do that! You'd be kicked out of Beacon!"

Jaune smiled. "Yep!" He replied cheerfully, popping the 'p.'

 _No! I cannot allow this! You are mine, beloved!_ "W-well, as your partner, I can't just allow you to quit like this! What deity would abandon those in need?"

Jaune face palmed again. "Okay, let me repeat myself. _I am not a deity_! I'm just a simple human who happens to have a rivalry with death. Why is it that people think that just because someone can't die that they _have_ to be a Hunter? Doesn't anyone else ever think that maybe, just maybe, I _don't_ want to be a hunter?"

Pyrrha felt a twinge of panic. She didn't want to lose this beautiful blond boy so soon! "W-w-well..." She hated to have to do this, but she was desperate, "I...understand. I guess we'll both have to fail then..."

The blond froze, blinking. "Er...sorry?"

"Seeing how we're partners now, it looks as though if one of us fail, then we'd both fail." Pyrrha replied, taking the time to look upset.

"I...er...um...w-when did Ozpin say that?" _Shit, did he say that?_

"During his speech," Pyrrha lied, nodding sagely.

Jaune sighed. He wanted to fail, but not at the expense of anyone else. "O-okay. Fine. We'll finish this off then." Jaune replied in a dejected tone. "No word of this to _anyone_ , got it?"

Pyrrha nodded, making a zipping motion over her lips. "Of course. We can't let everyone know of our divinity, they'd most likely panic."

"I told you already, I'm not-" Jaune stopped himself, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fuck it. Let's just go..."

 **[Emerald Forest – North]**

 _bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

"Do you hear that?" Yang looked around, frowning.

"H-h-hear what?" Blake replied, shifting uncomfortably, her cheeks slightly pink.

 _bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

"Seriously, I keep hearing a buzzing sound!" Yang muttered, eyes narrowing as she glanced around. "Could it be a nest of Rapier Wasps?"

"S-sure..." Blake replied in her usual quiet tone of voice. _This isn't working…_

"Alright, let's get out of here. Hopefully we can find the relics first. Got to admit though, you're a hell of a partner. Awfully flexible too..." Yang grinned lasciviously at Blake.

The black haired girl gave a small, fake laugh, her legs rubbing together as she continued to look elsewhere, unable to meet her partner's gaze with cheeks still pink. "Y-you're right. We s-should get going." _Why isn't this working yet?!_

 _bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

"There it is again!" Yang yelled angrily, her eyes twitching. "That's it, we're out of here!"

The two proceeded to move out of the area, and quite soon, the two girls found themselves amongst the ruins of Emerald Forest, a multitude of pedestals standing with gleaming chess pieces sitting atop them. Yang and Blake moseyed up to them, gazing about to figure which to grab. "Ooh, I should grab this one." Yang swiped up a white knight piece. "It's a cute pony!"

 _bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

"Y-y-yeah..." Blake's face had only turned pinker, and her movements were strangely jerky, with the young woman stopping every so often to grab a hold of the wall, her legs rubbing together nervously.

"AAAGH! The buzzing is still here!" Yang screamed, clutching at her precious hair in irritation and rage. "Where the hell is it coming from?"

Out of nowhere, Yang heard a voice call out. "You guys alright?!" Rushing as fast as they could, Jaune and Pyrrha approached the two, Jaune looking actually concerned. "We heard you yelling, is there more Grimm?"

Yang shook her head. "No, that's not it-"

 _bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

"The hell is that?" Jaune asked, looking around, cocking an eyebrow.

" _That's what I've been asking!_ " Yang yelled back, twitching.

Jaune looked over to Blake, who was busy looking off into the distance, refusing to meet their gaze. "Oh, hey, Blake! Nice to see you've made it." Jaune greeted, extending a hand.

Blake turned around, nodding to Jaune. "H-hey Jaune. G-good to see y-you too."

"You alright?"

Blake nodded wordlessly in answer. Yang on the other hand was stomping around, growing more and more frustrated at her inability to figure out where the constant buzzing noise was emanating from. "I swear to Oum..."

Luckily for Yang, however, a loud crashing noise and the sound of massively heavy footfalls drowned out the annoying sound, much to her relief. Everyone quickly looked towards the treeline as something came crashing through the woods. Soon, everyone watched as an Ursa Major stomped into the clearing, with someone sitting atop of it. The creature gave a low groan and slumped over, the figure jumping off and landing to their feet. "Aw, it broke!"

"Who the hell are you?" Jaune asked, eyes wide at the strange sight he'd just been witness too.

"I'm Nora! Nora Valkyrie!" The figure, an orange haired, bubbly girl answered, her eyes wide and cheerful. There was the sound of leaves being disturbed, and behind her a boy stepped forward, dressed in green, with black hair and a magenta stripe through it. The girl turned to the newcomer boy and threw her arm around his shoulders. "And this is Lie Ren!"

Jaune stepped forward and extended a hand to the boy. Something in the boy's face spoke to him, as though he'd been in the same situations he'd had the misfortune of dealing with. "I'm Jaune Arc."

Ren smiled and shook Jaune's hand. "It's nice to meet you, Jaune." _Cute._

"Yep! Me and Renny are partners! We're together! But not together-together! That'd be weird. Do you think that's weird? I mean we _are_ childhood friends, but not everyone has to follow that rule, you know? I mean if Renny bear asked me out, I'd totally say yes, but until then, we're totally not together-together. Do you like pancakes? I like pancakes. Hey, did you hear my sloth call? Renny said that's not what a sloth sounds like, but I think that makes it even more secret. What's your favorite kind of syrup? Are those chess pieces? What's that buzzing noise? I like bees, they make honey-" Nora continued to ramble on and on, Jaune's mind automatically tuning her out, fixing Ren with a sympathetic look.

Ren gave a tired smile, as if to say, 'That's Nora for you.'

Yang turned to Jaune. "Hey, have you seen Ruby yet?" She stopped and looked down at Jaune's hoodie and gave a scream of panic. "Jaune! You're hurt!" Before Jaune could speak to the contrary, Yang was already trying to look him over, moving her hands over his torso as she tried to look for the source of his bloodstained clothing.

"Yang, Yang! I'm fine! Calm down!" Jaune stepped back, lifting his hands up. "Seriously, this isn't even my blood!" _Do not ask questions, Yang, please!_

"Then whose is it? Pyrrha's perfectly fine! Don't tell me you found someone wounded and just left them!" Yang's tone turned accusitory.

"W-what?! No! Okay, fine, it's mine, I got a nosebleed earlier! I bumped into a tree!"

"Jaune, that's a _lot_ of blood! And why is there a hole in your hoodie?!" Yang's eyes were wide with concern.

Jaune groaned and quickly shimmied off his shirt, revealing his bare torso. "See, perfectly fine! No wounds!"

Yang's concerned gaze turned to eager hunger, a glint in her eyes as she drank in the sight of a shirtless Jaune, licking her lips. "Oh Jauney boy! You never told me you worked out!" Yang watched eagerly at Jaune's body, his stomach showing clear cut abs and defined pecs, a physical sign of his intense training pre-Beacon. "Oh, Yang likes, Yang likes a lot!"

Nora and Ren looked over, Ren's eyes widening slightly and Nora gave a thumbs up. "Nice Jaune! You must work out a lot! Do you have a lot of training? I trained a lot. I don't have abs though. Should I get abs? Renny, should I get abs? I should work on my bottom too. Guys like bottoms, right? Wait, I thought they liked boobs more? Renny, which is it? Why don't you have abs Renny? You should work out more. Can you be stealthy with muscles? Why is there still that buzzing noise?"

Pyrrha's eyes widened and she licked her own lips. _Oh Monty in heaven, hallowed by thine name! This for me? You shouldn't have! He's perfect! Oh to run my lips over that lovely skin! You shall be mine, mark my words! I'll do what it takes, but you belong to me, and me alone!_

Jaune started to speak up again, his eyes flickering over towards Blake, hoping that she'd be the bastion of mental sanity that she'd seemed like the day before, only to see her staring at him with wide golden eyes before suddenly giving a very strained, loud, " _Hhhhhhnnnggg!_ " before collapsing to her knees, face now bright red, body shaking. In surprise, Jaune quickly rushed over to Blake's side, placing a hand on her shoulder.

"Blake?! Blake, are you okay?!" He asked, his own eyes now wide in concern, gripping her shoulder firmly. This however, put him, or more specifically his abs, at face level, and the combination of Jaune's hand on her shoulder, his concerned gaze and his firm abs once more in her face could only ilicit one reaction from Blake.

" _Hhhhnnggg!_ " With that, Blake collapsed fully to the ground, body twitching, a stupid grin on her face as she began to drool.

As Yang and Jaune quickly rushed to her side in a panic, Nora looked up, frowning once more. "Hey, Renny bear?"

"Yes, Nora?" Ren answered back, his own gaze occasionally flickering over towards Jaune's shirtless body.

"Do you hear that buzzing?"

 _ **Author's Note: Oh jeeze, I'm naughty. I didn't come right out and say it, but those of you smarter readers should understand what exactly was going on with Blake. Those of you can also probably tell that Nora is pretty much her usual self, if a little more talkative, and yes, Ren is either gay or bi. I do plan on writing him relatively tastefully though, as he'll be one of the more 'normal' people in Beacon, relatively speaking. Keep reading, and be prepared for more perversion, insanity and death.**_

 _ **And remember, keep the reviews coming!**_


	5. Why We Can't Have Nice Things

_I do not own RWBY. Not even the siren's song of Fallout 4 will stop me from delivering you your dose of hilarity and insanity!_

 **Chapter 5: Why We Can't Have Nice Things**

 _[Flashback]_

 _Everyone hung on his every word, his every moment. No one in the White Fang would dare speak out against Adam Taurus, their leader. Every eye in the room watched as he paced back and forth, frustration evident in his every twitch and every move. "Brothers and Sisters...minus Blake. I do not believe I have to explain to you why we are meeting here today. Those of you who were involved in last weeks...debacle...will be punished accordingly." A series of gulps and nervous glances from many White Fang faunus could be heard after Adam's decree. "If it hadn't been for the fact that the 55 gallon drum of lube was late in delivery, this would have been a total disaster. None of you are in heat, and I expect you to act that way!"_

 _There was more silence, everyone looking nervous as Adam continued. "I of course, speak of the attempted orgy, planned and almost set into motion by the subject of this meeting, Blake Belladona."_

 _Murmurs could be heard throughout the crowd. The name Blake Belladona was so storied amongst White Fang, that no one could be sure what was true, and what was false. She was an accomplished infiltrator...and an incorrigible, legendary pervert. Rumor had it that she owned more sex toys than the biggest adult store on Remnant. A constant buzzing noise could be heard from her room, along with yowls and 'nya's' that set people on edge. No one attempted to approach her, surprisingly, mainly because they were terrified as to what Adam would do if they tried._

 _"We need to figure out how to solve this issue. Blake needs to be punished." Adam continued. "As an infiltrator, we need her at the top of her game, and not corrupting the minds of some of you weaker willed Faunus..."_

 _"Um, sir?" A striped haired faunus with a pair of cat ears spoke up, his voice small and meek._

 _"Yes…?" Adam searched his mind for the man's name but came up blank._

 _"A thought occurs. Blake...hasn't actually gone into heat, has she?"_

 _This statement was followed by the most thunderous and panic induced silence ever heard in Remnant. A silence so utterly devoid of sound, but so full of terror, that Grimm came in droves from all around like a flare went off. Faces paled, women fainted and men gripped their seats in pure fright. Adam's eyes actually widened for once, showing the most emotion he'd ever shown in the history of the White Fang…_

[…]

 _"...And you are forevermore banished from the White Fang!" Adam yelled, tossing Blake out onto the ground in front of the massive steel doors that made up the entrance to the White Fang's largest hideout._

 _"W-what?!" Blake's eyes widened. "Y-you can't!"_

 _bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

 _"We can, and we will! Begone!" Adam shouted._

 _Blake gave a pout and nodded. "I...I understand." Adam and the unnamed minion (Who had been given a quick promotion to lieutenant and a raise after his wise words) watched as Blake started to unbutton her shirt._

 _"W-what?! What are you doing?!" Adam yelled, eyes widening again._

 _"I...I can convince you...with my body..." Blake murmured, hands reaching down to remove her skirt._

 _Adam gave a growl and from literally nowhere, whipped out a spray bottle, aiming it at Blake and pulling the trigger, spritzing her with water. The black haired cat faunus hissed in surprise and recoiled. "Get! Go! Shoo!" He continued to spritz her until she ran off, grabbing her bag and rushing off into the Forever Fall forest. When she was out of sight, Adam sighed and turned to the unnamed lieutenant. "She's someone else problem now..."_

 _The unnamed man watched as the leader turned away, almost sadly and frowned. "I feel like we're taking the easy way out..."_

 _[End Flashback]_

"So, has anyone seen Ruby?" Yang brought up again. She and Jaune had managed to get Blake to her feet, who'd simply said that she had low blood pressure, which was why she collapsed. Jaune, much to Yang's surprise, had been prepared and pulled out a homemade energy bar. Blake had devoured it, and seemed to actually enjoy it. Everyone was relieved that the buzzing had stopped though, so there was that.

"I'm afraid we haven't." Jaune replied, looking over his ruined hoodie. "Pyrrha and I haven't even run into any Grimm on the way here, much to my surprise."

"We ran into Grimm, right Renny? I rode a Grimm, have you ever rode a Grimm? It's fun! You should try it. The buzzing stopped, yay! Hey, is Blake okay? Can I have an energy bar? I'm bored. Hey Renny, do you want an energy bar? Did you make those yourself Jaune? I haven't seen a Ruby either. Ruby's a nice name. I like Nora more though, 'cause I'm Nora." Nora started to ramble on and on once more, everyone ignoring her as previously.

Yang began to pace back and forth, rubbing her arms nervously. "I hope she's okay..."

Jaune, in a surprisingly kind move, placed a hand on Yang's shoulder. "Ruby seems like a skilled girl, and if that weapon of hers is any sign, she'll do fine. She got accept into Beacon, didn't she?"

Yang gave him a small smile. "Y-yeah. You're right. I'm probably worrying over no-"

" _AAAAAAAAHHHHH!_ " A scream cut Yang off and a shadow fell over the ruins on which they stood.

Yang's head snapped upwards, the scream sounding familiar. "Ruby!" Above them, as dark as night, a massive Nevermore could be seen flying high. To make matters even worse, once everyone was looking upwards in surprise, a figure could be seen falling from above. Jaune recognized the massive scythe immediately. "She's falling!" Yang screamed. The distance though, was too great, and even if Yang moved at her fastest, she wouldn't be there in time.

 _Shit! Ruby! I have to do something...crap, I'll have to use_ that _! Oh who cares, it's to save Ruby!_ Jaune knelt down into a runner's starting position, and his body began to pulse with a pitch black aura. "Arc Family Blade Technique..." Everyone turned to Jaune, looking surprised. " _Seven League Step!_ " With a sonorous cry, Jaune's figure suddenly phased out of existence, and reappeared much further down, directly underneath Ruby's trajectory.

Pyrrha looked the least impressed, simply standing there, arms folded with a smirk. _Further proof of your divinity, my dear. You don't need to hide it from me._

Ren and Nora both stared in stunned silence, which was doubly surprising on Nora's end. Yang's jaw was on the floor, and Blake stood silent, yellow eyes wide for a few more moments, her hand reaching into her skirt for something.

 _Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz_

Luckily for our perverted catgirl, everyone was far too concerned with watching as Jaune managed to catch the falling Ruby to notice the renewed buzzing noise. Ruby fell right into Jaune's arms, the blond managing to catch her perfectly. "Jaune!" Ruby cried out happily, hugging him.

"Ruby, what's going on!?" Jaune asked, helping her to the ground.

"Um, Weiss and I accidentally ran into that giant Nevermore, and we kinda ended up on its back while we were fighting it and-" Ruby stopped in mid speech. " _Weiss!_ " Ruby yelled in realization. "She's still up there!"

Jaune groaned. "Of course she is. Why wouldn't she be? Having her on solid ground would be too easy." Jaune crouched down and gave another shout. " _Seven League Step!_ " With that, Jaune flickered out of existence once more, reappearing underneath the Nevermore that continued to circle overhead. He was just in time too, another scream of terror caught his attention and he gazed up to see Weiss plumetting down from above. _Hey, is she wearing a thon-_ Jaune's train of thought was interrupted when he found that he'd mistimed Weiss' fall and instead of catching her, the heiress slammed right down atop him.

" _AAAA-_ Oh. It looks like I'm fine. Ground's awfully soft thought." Weiss replied. She blinked, and looked down, eyes widening to see Jaune's body twitching beneath her. "AH! PERVERT!" Weiss jumped to her feet, stomping her foot. _You should thank me for such a privilege!_

"Hate...you...so...much..." Jaune groaned out, staggering to his feet. He clutched his head, groaning. _Never again. Next time, she falls. God, I think I felt her ass. It was a nice ass-NO! BAD LIBIDO!_ Jaune shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. "I think I broke my nose."

"Nothing?! Excuse me, how dare you just stand there!" Weiss continued to complain. "Why aren't you thanking me for the privilege of saving me?!"

Jaune's eye twitched. "Thank _you?!_ "

Weiss crossed her arms and humphed. "Indeed!"

Everyone managed to catch up to the two, Yang looking irritable again. "The buzzing is back!" She looked around, hands clenched into fists. "It's driving me crazy!"

Jaune waved his hand nonchalantly. "Just ignore it for now. We've got bigger fish to fry. Or in this case, bigger-" Jaune's voice was abruptly cut off with a gurgle. He looked down and noticed a very large black object sticking straight out from his chest. Slowly turning his head, he gazed over his shoulder to see a very big feather protruding from his back and put two and two together. "Oh for fuck's sake." He managed to spit out, coughing up blood onto a now utterly terrified Yang, collapsing to the ground.

" _JAUNE!_ " Yang screamed, getting to her knees as she tried to help him. "Oh god, oh god, Ruby, don't look!" Yang's hands moved over Jaune's body, unsure of what to do in case of Nevermore feather impalement.

 _"JAAAAUUUNNNEEE!_ " Ruby cried out, rushing over to Jaune despite Yang's warning, her eyes tearing up. "No, nonononono, you can't die! You can't!"

Weiss rushed to his side as well, eyes wide. "Y-y-you blond dunce! You can't die! Not here! Not like this!" _Your queen demands you live!_

Jaune gave a small cough, eliciting another fine mist of blood before his eyes slowly glazed over, Nora and Ren making their way next to him. Nora's eyes began to tear up. "No...poor Jauney..." Nora whispered as Ren hugged her tightly. Blake slowly approached, the buzzing now completely silent, looking just as upset as everyone else.

"He didn't deserve this..." Blake whispered.

Ruby began to bawl and Yang hugged her. "Shh, it's okay Ruby, it's okay..."

Ren spoke up, looking up into the sky with narrowed eyes. "Unfortunately, we'll have to mourn later, or we'll end up like Jaune." He whipped out his pistols, ready to take on the massive bird. Everyone else quickly followed suit, Ruby and Yang looking absolutely furious. Blake and Weiss were glaring at the Nevermore, and Pyrrha? Everyone suddenly stopped what they were doing to gaze over at Pyrrha who seemed...unnaturally relaxed and unconcerned with her partner dying.

"Er...Pyrrha?" Ren slowly asked.

"Yes?"

"Um...Jaune is...dead. How are you so..." He shook his head. "Never mind, you're probably used to this."

"Oh, he'll be fine. It's only temporary." Pyrrha explained with a warm, understanding smile.

Yang twitched. " _Temporary?! Did you lose your mind?!_ " She snapped, practically screaming at the redhead. " _He's dead! Your partner is dead! Don't you get it?!_ "

Pyrrha's smile continued, looking serene. "Of course he is, but it's only a minor inconvenience."

Yang eye twitched even harder, but her scathing reply was cut off by Ruby proceeding to chat with...something. "What's that Crescent? What did Crocea Mors say?"

Everyone split their attention between Ruby and the giant circling Nevermore as Yang spoke up with a groan. "Oh Ruby, not this again! You can't talk to your weapons!"

"Yes I can, Yang!" Ruby shouted. "And Crescent Rose says we should all turn around!"

"What on Remnant is that going to do?!" Yang shouted in confusion.

"I don't know, but we should do it anyway! Crescent has always been right, and she says that's what Crocea Mors says to do! Don't look at Jaune!"

"Crocea Mors?"

"Jaune's weapon!"

A scream up in the sky caught all their attention and another flurry of razor sharp feathers was launched in their direction, forcing everyone to dodge and block them, taking their attention away from Jaune's now cold form. "Crap, we need to kill this thing now!" Yang shouted.

"How?!" Weiss shouted back. "If you haven't figured it out, it's flying above us! Last I checked, none of us are capable of flight, so unless you happen to be carrying a canon in that cleave of yours, we need a better plan!"

"I'm working on it!" Yang looked up and glared at the Nevermore who was circling around again for another volley of feathers. "Ruby, see if you can-"

"You know, this is starting to become a disturbing trend of events." A voice spoke up. A familiar voice. A voice that shouldn't be speaking. Ever so slowly, Yang turned around, eyes wide, face going pale. Sure enough, sitting upright, pinching the bridge of his nose in annoyance, was Jaune Arc.

Evidently she wasn't the only one who had heard the previous dead man speak up, as Weiss turned around as well and gave a half-scream, half growl. "You! You're supposed to be dead!"

Jaune turned his head in Weiss' direction and deadpanned. _Fucking wonderful. Now EVERYONE knows your little secret. This day sucks so much! Well, fuck it then. If I'm going to be found out, least I can do is have a little fun with it._ "I got better."

Weiss twitched and began pulling at her hair. " _You can't get better from being dead! It doesn't work that way!_ "

Jaune stared at Weiss for what seemed like an eternity before shrugging nonchalantly. "Well, not with that kind of attitude, you can't." Weiss began to emit a noise between a strangled gasp and a series of garbled gibberish, collapsing to the ground as she began to froth at the mouth and twitch. "Huh." Jaune got to his feet, fixing Weiss' form with indifference. "What's wrong with her?" Jaune quipped, motioning to Weiss with his thumb, grinning tiredly.

He was met with silence. Yang, Blake, Ruby, Nora and Ren were all staring at Jaune like they'd just seen a ghost. He sighed and smacked his face with the palm of his hand. "Okay, let's get this out of the way. I'm immortal. Don't make a big deal about it. Please. Let's just...get rid of the Nevermore before we start asking questions, please?"

Yang was the first to recover, swallowing hard, nodding. "God, do I have questions..."

Ruby tackled Jaune in a hug that drove the breath from his lungs a few moments later. "Jaune! You're alive! Crocea Mors was right!"

Jaune blinked. "How...how did you know the name of my weapon?"

"Wait," Yang replied, her face turning more incredulous, "You're telling me you never told her the name of your weapon, and she knew what it was?"

"Crescent Rose told me!" Ruby replied, hugging her scythe. "She talked with Crocea Mors when you were dead and it told us to turn around so we weren't looking at you!"

"Seriously?" Jaune replied, looking down at his sword. "Wow. Smart weapon."

Blake clutched her head, groaning. Between Jaune resurrecting, Ruby somehow talking to weapons, her not having had an orgasm in the past fifteen minutes and the fact that the Nevermore was now flying back towards them, she was seriously beginning to lose her mind. She unsheathed Gambol Shroud and cleared her throat. "Um, remember what you _just_ said? We have Nevermore to kill."

"So," Jaune continued, still talking to Ruby, unaware of Blake's suggestion "You can talk to just your weapon, or other weapons?"

Ruby smiled. "Oh, I can talk to all weapons! Crocea Mors has an odd accent though, and it talks in a strange language."

"Oh, so you can hear it, just can't understand it?" Jaune asked, genuinely interested.

"Uh, guys?" Blake added again.

"Oh come on Jaune, you can't honestly believe that Ruby can talk to her weapon, or any other weapon, do you?!" Yang frowned, crossing her arms.

"I totally can, Yang!" Ruby shouted, stomping her foot.

"Seriously, I never told her the name of my weapon, and she got it right!" Jaune added.

"Are you sure you didn't tell her?" Yang raised an eyebrow.

"Yes, I know exactly what I told Ruby, and I never told her the name of my weapon Yang! She's got a gift!" Jaune explained.

"Guys?!" Blake added louder, watching as the Nevermore began to dive towards them, wings outstretched. Ren and Nora began to open fire upon it, Pyrrha getting into a combat position and Weiss began preparing a glyph. "You might want to turn around!"

"Yang, remember that time when I found out your secret stash of naked guy pictures?" Ruby asked innocently, causing the blond to sputter and blush.

"R-Ruby! You shouldn't have seen that! I don't know how you found it, but I'm certain Crescent Rose did _not_ tell you!"

"Hey, everyone has different Semblances! Hell, I'm immortal! Who's to say Ruby can't speak to her own weapon?!" Jaune interjected.

" _Guys!?_ " Blake tried to warn them once more, before a massive burst of feathers suddenly rained down upon the group once more. Feathers landed all about, most everyone dodging them, leaping out of the way or in Pyrrha and Weiss' case, blocking them with shield and glyph. The massive feathers slammed down inches from Yang, causing her to stop mid-sentence with a scream of shock. Ruby barely managed to not get hit, only receiving a graze to her combat skirt and-

 _SPLORTCH_

Jaune gave a gargling cry of surprise as he proceeded to sprout another massive black feather out his back and looked up to see Yang horrified once more. With a sigh, he managed to bring up enough breath to speak up once more, spouting his usual line. "Oh for fuck's sake." And died.

 _Death Count: 2,036_

 _ **Author's Note: Okay, so, first things first. Ren will be gay, but there will be no yaoi scenes or anything like that. Most of the comedy revolving around Ren will be Jaune's inability to notice that Ren's gay, and trying to treat him like one of the guys. Those of you worried about slash, don't be. Anything overtly perverted will be centered around the gals. Second, I might not be able to update again too soon, as work has decided to put me on overtime. Grr. Thirdly, the idea of Adam sprtizing Blake with a spray bottle is just too funny not to think about. If anyone would like to do fanart of that, that'd be greatly appreciated. For cover art, and for personal hilarity.**_

 _ **And keep the reviews coming!**_


	6. Schrodinger's Jaune

_I do not own RWBY._

 **Chapter 6: Schrodinger's Jaune**

Ruby automatically reacted the moment Jaune slumped forward and quickly grabbed the massive feather, pulling it out with a sickening noise. Blood was already pooling around him, staining the front of him red with his own life fluids. Yang started to speak up, ready to tell Ruby to leave him alone, but Jaune's oh-so-recent resurrection had her at a loss for words, and she was already beginning to think this was some sort of strange fever dream or a nervous nightmare due to pre-Inititaion jitters. People just didn't get back up like that. It was impossible.

"Alright, everyone, turn around again!" Ruby exclaimed a little too happily, throwing the bloody feather off to the side.

They all did as she asked, and no sooner had they taken their eyes off of Jaune, (coincidentally making them look back to the circling Nevermore) a voice spoke up once more. "Son of a bitch, this is the third Dust damned time today!" Yang slowly turned around once more to see Jaune getting to his feet, his body unmarred by any injuries, and only the bloodstains on his chest and back being the only indication that he had been injured in any way. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and began to mutter angrily under his breath.

"I can't even fail right! All I wanted to do was to fail this test. Is that so hard? But nooooo, I had to get impaled to a fucking tree," Yang happened to notice that Pyrrha's normally unflappable attitude suddenly shifted upon hearing that to a very embarrassed blush, "Then I get impaled twice by the same god damned Grimm, everyone finds out my secret, and on top of all of that, my hoodie is ruined! ARGH!"

There was a loud screech from above and the Nevermore made another pass, but this time, Jaune was actually prepared. As the feathers launched down, Jaune actually flipped out of the way in a surprisingly display of agility and dexterity. "Holy Monty Oum..." Yang murmured, "Being dead doesn't stop you for even a moment!"

"I've learned to deal with it." Jaune muttered. "Anyone have an idea of how to take that damned thing down?"

"I can try shooting it, but I'm running out of ammo..." Ruby replied, her cheeks going pink in embarrassment. "Crescent says that we should try luring it down."

Jaune groaned. "Oh, sure, that'll work. Let me just use my Nevermore call. IIIIIIII'M A DUMBASS! SQUAWK!"

Nora gave a giggle and even Pyrrha couldn't help but laugh, though Weiss did not share their amusement. "Sarcasm isn't helping us!" She snapped.

"Didn't I break you?" Jaune muttered, unsheathing Crocea Mors.

"S-s-shut up!" Weiss yelled, stomping her foot angrily.

"All this arguing is _not helping_!" Blake answered back just as angrily.

Jaune twitched as the Nevermore screeched again loudly and swung his sword into the air, giving a strangled growl. "I could have been in Vale by now, ready for my new job, but nooooo! I had to be forced to go to Beacon! I had to be forced to take a stupid airship, and deal with vomiting, and stupid Nevermores, and angry heiresses, and delusional champions and you know whose fault this is? _IT'S YOURS MOM! THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT! DO YOU HEAR ME?!_ "

 **[Outskirts of Vrytal – Arc Residence]**

" _At-choo!_ " A violet haired woman sneezed hard, turning her head away from the green peppers she'd been chopping. She paused and gave a small, amused smile before going back to her chopping, humming tunelessly. As she continued chopping, a pair of extremely massive arms curled around her from behind and she felt herself being pulled into a tight hug. "Alexander," The violet haired woman replied in an amused tone, "Stop trying to tempt me." She turned her head up and to the side, giving a blond haired man with a ponytail a quick kiss.

"I'm not!" The mountain of a man with arms thick tree trunks and as wide as an Ursa's replied. "I'm just showering my lovely, beautiful wife with affection."

"Alexander, dear, you know that whenever you're giving me affection, I can't resist you." The violet haired woman proceeded to reach up and around, grabbing the bigger man's face and bringing him down for a searing kiss. "Now unless you're planning on adding a new child to our family, let me finish up dinner." With that, the woman reached around and gave the man's rear a squeeze and a firm slap.

"You are incorrigible, Violetta, darling." Alexander couldn't help but smile widely, but took a step back. "So, by this point, our Jaune is finally in Beacon."

"I do hope so. You know how he didn't want to go originally, but I think it'll be good for him. He'll finally meet some children his age and maybe break out of that shell of his. I swear, that son of mine is the embodiment of Grumpy Cat." Violetta sighed and continued to chop up the vegetables before her, taking her time as if the act itself were a meditation.

"Honey, I love you more than words can describe, but don't you think it's because you put him through that training that he's so... er... grumpy?" Alexander replied, scratching the back of his head nervously.

"Darling, I just wanted him to be safe! You understand that, don't you? Our baby boy is going out into that big world, and I want to make sure nothing can hurt him." Violetta answered.

"Violetta, he's _immortal_ , in case you forgot. Literally nothing CAN hurt him. Trust me, you've put him through every imaginable death under the sun. If he's not gone yet, there isn't a Grimm, Human or Faunus who can put him down." Alexander sighed and shook his head.

"Yes, and because of me, now we know that." Violetta paused in her cooking as a buzzing noise sounded. "Oh, a Scroll call." She reached into the pocket of her homely apron and pulled out her scroll, a matte black one, and opened it. "Oh, it's Athena! I wonder how she's doing."

"Knowing her? Great. Her daughter's won the Mistral Tournament four times already."

Violetta hit the button to respond to the call, and a very demure, soft voice answered. _"Violetta? Is that you?"_

"Athena, darling! It's been too long!"

" _I know, I'm very sorry about that. I've just recently had some free time, what with my daughter joining Beacon."_

"Oh, Pyrrha? How is she? I remember her when she was up to my knee!" Violetta giggled happily.

" _Oh, she's doing wonderfully! Between winning the Mistral Tournament for the fourth time and dealing with all sorts of interviews and talk shows, Pyrrha has become so famous!"_

"That's wonderful Athena! Actually, our youngest just joined Beacon as well!"

* * *

"Everyone, on your left!" Jaune shouted, flipping out of the way of another wave of feathers. "We need to run for the ruins! If we can stay out of it's firing range, it'll have to come down to us!"

Yang grinned, giving him a thumbs up. "Great idea! When it gets down here, we'll be more than ready for it!"

The entire group quickly rushed as fast at they could down to the ruins, dodging feather after feather. Every so often, anyone with a ranged weapon would turn around and fire upon the bird, but their shots did as much as throwing pebbles at it. After a long while, the eight figures found themselves amidst the crumbling ruins, the pillars and walkways giving sufficient cover to avoid the repeated aerial bombardments.

"Alright, we'll hunker down here until the damn thing decides to come back down out of the stratosphere." Jaune continued, staring up into the sky alongside everyone else, their attention focused on the circling Nevermore. "Anyone else got a plan once the thing comes down?"

Ruby snapped her fingers. "I think I got something! If we can take out its wings once it gets low enough, we can defeat it easy!"

"Oh, great idea!" Weiss sarcastically replied. "Take out it's wings, _so easy_!"

"No. Not the wings." Jaune started quietly, grinning widely. "Take out its-" There was a loud snap of something and a gurgling noise and everyone turned to Jaune… only to see a massive, black, masked scorpion Grimm and Jaune's headless body falling to the ground. Yang twitched, eyes widening and everyone slowly began to step back.

"Crap! Jaune! Not again! Oh god, I hope decapitation is one of those things he can survive! Oh no," Ruby cried out, "What if he's like a zombie!?"

"Ruby, we have bigger issues!" Yang yelled out.

"But I don't want Jaune to die permanently!" Ruby cried out, even as the Deathstalker slowly crawled towards them.

"We'll all die soon if we don't do something!" Yang shouted back.

"Alright, everyone, split up! Some of us take on the Deathstalker, others keep the Nevermore busy!" Ruby cried out.

Everyone nodded, and the eight split ways, Pyrrha, Ren, and Nora rushing off out of the ruins, the Deathstalker following closely behind them, snipping its giant pincers and screeching loudly, while Ruby, Yang, Weiss, and Blake all took off deeper into the ruins, weaving back and forth in mid run as the avian Grimm attempted to kill them off once more.

And with all the observers having taken their attention off of the corpse of Jaune Arc, the universe shifted, superposition collapsed, and Jaune Arc turned from dead to alive, sitting up where he had been left, shaking his newly regrown head. "Ow."

* * *

" _Oh, little Jaune? I remember him, he was such a little sweetheart. How is he?"_

"Oh, wonderful. He is a little on the grumpy side though. He's so antisocial and never spends time with anyone, preferring to spend all day in the kitchen. Even his sisters have to drag him out of his room to actually do anything with them."

" _Does he not get along with them?"_

"Oh, no not at all! They all love him dearly, some more than others, but they've all been very close."

" _I do hope he gets along with Pyrrha. I'm sure she could use a good friend, and from what I remember of little Jaune, he was always such a nice boy._ "

"Oh, he still is, just a little grumpy at times. Deep down though, he still has a good heart."

* * *

Jaune jumped to his feet and looked around, feeling slightly disoriented. On one side, he could see Pyrrha blocking a swipe from a massive scorpion Grimm while Ren and Nora opened fire on it, and on the other side, Ruby and Yang were firing at the Nevermore from cover, trying to lure it down to Weiss and Blake who were preparing to attack it once it came into range.

 _Crap, another Grimm?! How the hell can we get out of this one! Well, you know, but it's bad enough that everyone here knows about your immortality, the last thing you need is for everyone to know of your previous training as well! They'll tell Ozpin, and then Ozpin will do whatever he can to keep you here, and then you can kiss your dreams and aspirations goodbye!_

The sounds of battle jolted him out of his reverie, and he looked around again, frowning. He could help one of the teams, but he wasn't sure who needed it more. Pyrrha, Nora and Ren seemed to be doing well against the Deathstalker, but the Nevermore was still refusing to come out of the sky. With his options limited, Jaune tried to contemplate the situation.

 _I could just run away. I mean, they've got this right? There would be no point in me interfering, right? I fail, Ozpin kicks me out, and done is done!_ However, he found his feet refused to budge, as though he didn't want to run away, knowing how cowardly an action that would be. "Oh come on," Jaune whispered to himself, "I can't be serious about wanting to stay-" _SPLORTCH_

Jaune's eyes somehow both narrowed and widened at the same time in a look of intense frustration and rage as another massive feather plunged through him, having missed its target of Ruby and company, overshooting them and managing to impale Jaune once more. He fell forward, letting the feather pierce completely through him, and as his consciousness faded, he swore he could hear Ruby shouting in the distance, "Sorry!"

* * *

" _Well, I think Pyrrha would be good for him. Jaune sounds like he just needs a good friend to open up to, and Pyrrha is so kind. I'm sure she'll get along with him famously, pun not intended."_ Athena gave a giggle over the line.

"Oh, I'm sure he will. I'm just hoping he does well at Beacon. I don't want him just up and leaving. It would be such a waste of his talent if he didn't become a Hunter, and Beacon is the best place for him to learn about such things, as well as meet others. His sisters graduated from Beacon, Alexander and I graduated from Beacon, so I think he should as well." Violetta continued as she worked further on the dinner she'd been preparing.

" _Are you sure? It doesn't seem like that's a nice thing to do. Shouldn't you let him grow naturally? We can always use more Hunters, but forcing someone to become one just seems unnecessarily cruel."_

"With his skill set, Athena, him not becoming a Hunter would be a shame! Trust me Athena, if you ever actually saw him fight and take things seriously, you'd be very surprised..."

* * *

Superposition collapsed again, and Jaune found himself becoming conscious, getting to his feet with a very irritable growl. " _For fuck's sake, that's the fifth time today!_ " He had made up his mind. _That damned overgrown turkey has to die!_ Jaune rushed forward, blade at the ready, eager and willing to cause massive pain to the Nevermore for his repeated deaths.

A voice then called out from behind him, "Jaune, look out!" Before he could answer, there was a squelch, and more agony blossomed in his chest. Slowly, he looked down to see the golden stinger of the Deathstalker emerging through his chest.

"Are you fucking kidding me?!"

* * *

" _Well, I understand he's skilled, but he can't be that skilled that not having him would mean the difference between victory and defeat for Remnant as a whole, Violetta."_

"Athena, I trained him _myself._ Trust me, Jaune is above and beyond anyone his age. I'd even put a large wager on him being able to stand up to the elder Schnee girl in combat."

" _Wait, you...you trained him yourself?! Violetta, no offense, but you never knew how to hold back in Beacon, I can only imagine how training with you would go! Only Alexander could ever possibly survive sparring with you!"_

Violetta simply laughed, her voice crystal clear. "Oh, Athena darling, no one else would, but Jaune is... _special_. We found out at a very young age that Jaune had a... _unique_ ability that has allowed him to survive fighting against even his own mother."

* * *

When the universe shifted once more, and Jaune's consciousness returned, he found himself upside down in a tree, the sounds of battle and chaos echoing loudly through the forest. He groaned and slowly slid out of the tree, hitting the ground. Luckily, when he had been moved, or tossed, Crocea Mors had landed at the foot of the tree, and he quickly rearmed himself, before rushing back out. By this point, his mind was in a juxtaposition of psychotic, white-hot rage and cold, calculating fury, his mind somehow both making a plan to slaughter both of the Grimm, while at the same time, going about it entirely in Angrish, like the world's most austere berserker.

Ruby, meanwhile, was busy trying to force the Nevermore down, and a couple of times it looked like it had come close, but before they could hit it, it'd swoop back up, almost as if taunting them. She fired another sniper shot into its chest, and the creature actually shifted violently in the air, almost tumbling downward, but it managed to right itself before they could take advantage of it.

"Oh come on!" Ruby cried out in frustration.

"This isn't working! It's just taking its time! When are Grimm _this_ smart?!" Yang yelled, firing a pair of shells that barely missed the massive feathery monster.

"We need to figure something out quickly, we're running out of ammo and I'm not sure how the other three are doing!" Blake yelled out. She was growing more and more frustrated by the minute, both from the inability to take out the damnable bird, as well as her own lack of self pleasure.

"If only it came down just a little closer, I could hit it with an ice glyph!" Weiss lamented, stomping her foot. "Ruby, see if you can-"

" _DIE YOU GLORIFIED TURKEY!_ " A scream of utter rage froze the four girls as they saw Jaune rushing towards the creature, sword outstretched, looking like he was two seconds away from snapping. " _I'M MAKING GRIMM ROAST TONIGHT YOU BASTARD! I'M SHOVING MY SWORD SO FAR UP YOUR ARSE YOU'LL BE TASTING YOUR OWN SHIT FOR A WEEK!_ " He continued screaming, his body starting to turn black as his Aura started to manifest itself again.

Blake cocked an eyebrow. "That's not even possible. Grimm vanish when you kill them."

Weiss frowned. "At this point, I very much doubt the dunce even cares. At all."

However, whatever plans he was making were suddenly derailed when another (absurdly pinpoint and accurate) burst of black feathers rained down, one of them piercing straight through Jaune's body and dropping him to the ground, where he twitched, and a gurgling sound could be heard as he tried to swear with a pierced lung. Yang grimaced.

"Is it bad that by this point, I'm not quite as concerned anymore? I mean, he obviously isn't." The other girls all nodded and voiced their agreements as they looked back up into the sky, where the Nevermore gave a screech that sounded almost like laughter.

* * *

" _Violetta, I have to ask then, why on Remnant did you even send Jaune to Beacon? If he can survive training with you, then obviously there's nothing the teachers there can actually teach him that he doesn't already know."_ Athena was answered by Violetta's laughter, tinkling merrily over their connection. _"Violetta? What's so funny?"_

"Athena, darling, Jaune's mastered eleven out of the Arc Blade Techniques, and has even gone so far to invent one of his own. By the Arc family tradition, he's next in line for the head of the clan."

" _He's invented his own Blade Technique?! Doesn't that have to be approved by your elders?!"_

"Oh yes. They were all _very_ impressed, although the naming could use some work."

" _He's the next head of the_ entire _clan?!"_

"Indeed! When Alexander and I decide to step down from the position, Jaune will be next in line to lead the clan."

" _Then why send him to Beacon in the first place?! He doesn't need any more training!"_

"Athena, we didn't send Jaune to Beacon to learn anything..."

* * *

End observation. The universe once again shifts, and Jaune switches states once more from dead to alive, the wounds on his body vanishing as though they'd never occurred, and his body awakening from its untimely demise. If one was paying attention to him, they'd notice that his face was now very calm, not a trace of anger in his eyes.

This, unsurprisingly, was short lived.

"I... am sick to death... _of fucking,_ _ **DYING!**_ " The last word was spoken with such fury, such rage, such indignation, that everyone, Pyrrha, Ruby, Yang, Blake, Nora, Ren, and Weiss all stopped to stare at Jaune. Even the Deathstalker seemed to pause in its actions, as though the strange blond haired thing was worth its attention.

The Nevermore, however, didn't seem to agree, and there was another ruffling as a single feather shot out directly towards Jaune.

Ruby never got the chance to call out for Jaune to dodge it. Instead, the entire clearing went even quieter, when Jaune, very purposefully reached out and grabbed the speeding feather with one hand, clutching it tightly and preventing it from reaching him, the sudden loss of velocity in the feather making his hair flutter in the wind.

* * *

"We sent him to find a wife."

* * *

" _LET'S SEE HOW_ _ **YOU**_ _LIKE IT, YOU OVER-GROWN SPARROW!_ " Jaune roared furiously, and chucked the feather back at the Nevermore as hard as he could, his entire figure surrounded with pitch black Aura. Two thunderous cracks sounded out, like Monty Oum himself had stepped upon a celestial tree branch, the first being the feather breaking the sound barrier and the second being the feather hitting the Grimm. Everyone watched the bird literally flip ass over tea kettle as its own feather slammed right into its head, piercing straight through its brain, killing it instantly.

Jaune stood there, panting heavily, eyes twitching with barely contained fury. Slowly he turned around towards the Deathstalker and grinned like a madman.

And for the first time since its creation eons ago, the Deathstalker actually pissed itself in abject terror.

 _ **Author's Note: Sorry for the delay guys, but here's the next chapter! Between Binding of Isaac: Afterbirth, Fallout 4 and work, it's been a bitch of a time trying to find some time to just sit down and write, but hopefully this chapter gave you guys some entertainment! Hopefully the back and forth between Athena and Violetta, and the battle in Emerald Forest wasn't too confusing for everyone to follow, and I have plenty of interesting ideas in the future for this fic, so look forward to the ever increasing insanity, perversion, and of course, death!**_

 _ **And remember to leave reviews!**_

 _ **(Psst, oh yeah, and Maxaro totes beta read this. Go check his stuff out. Yandere Neo is fun Neo.)**_

 _ **EDIT: Apparently does not like my scene breaks. So fixed.**_


	7. Insert Expletive Here

_I do not own RWBY. Nobody can stop the Mio dance! Mio, Mio, Miooooo!_

 **Chapter 7: Insert Expletive Here**

 **[Emerald Forest – Cliff Side]**

If someone were to watch Ozpin and Glynda as the Initiation went on, by the time Jaune had decided to make Nevermore shish-kebab, they'd seen them having fallen over laughing. Glynda, of all people, was currently unconscious due to fainting after Jaune's third death and resurrection. Ozpin, however? Well, he was currently sipping on his coffee with one hand, the other holding onto the scroll, video playing from the live recording.

And if one could see into his head, which we can, one would be hearing him humming Yakkity Sax to himself as he watched one Jaune Arc proceed to chase a Deathstalker back and forth through the underbrush. Ozpin smirked, taking another sip of his coffee. An immortal Arc? Now _that_ was interesting. The fact that he was capable of performing utterly incredible feats was only icing on the cake. This year was turning out to be the best one yet. One immortal badass, seven other beautiful women? It was shipping heaven! The next four years would be the most fun he'd ever had!

As he continued humming Yakkity Sax for himself, his eyes actually widened for a brief moment as he swore for a moment, he saw Jaune actually chasing the Deathstalker while the two of them were on... unicycles?!

 **[Emerald Forest – Ruins]**

Speaking of looking into the heads of others, let's take some time and peek in to the innermost thoughts of seven Beacon students as they watched their fellow student screaming bloody murder as he disappeared and reappeared through the forest trees while chasing a gargantuan Deathstalker, said scorpion-like Grimm giving off screeches of pure terror as it weaved through the woods. Let's start off with Yang, shall we? After all, we'll need _some_ sanity to get us through the seven others…

 _Dear, sweet Monty Oum! This is impossible! How the hell is he doing this?! He's actually chasing,_ CHASING _a Deathstalker! I've never had Grimm run from_ me _! How is he doing this?! And... god, just look at those abs-no! Focus Yang! This is impossible! Who has he been trained by?! Ozpin himself? I'd say Uncle Qrow, but, to be fair, he hasn't mentioned anything except going on and on about 'readers' and 'reviews' so I doubt that. This is... unbelievable! Honestly, I'm kind of jealous of Pyrrha, now that I think about it. An immortal, smoking hot, super strong partner? Don't get me wrong, Blake's like nine kinds of hot, but…_ Yang's gaze followed Jaune's shirtless body as he rattled his sword above his head, screaming something along the lines of using the Deathstalker's tail in some fancy dish, she wasn't paying it too much mind. _"He's like twelve different kinds of hot!_ "

Surprise, and slight arousal, though not surprising coming from someone like Yang. Seeing how her reaction was more or less what one would assume from the given situation, let's, for the sake of entertainment, take a look at some of the less... sane, members of the Beacon group, shall we? Now who to pick... ah, let's go with our wannabe goddess, Pyrrha. That should prove to be an enjoyable time, right?

 _Strong! Handsome! Perfection in every aspect! Lord Monty, I couldn't have imagined a more fitting husband in all my wildest fantasies! Judging by his complete and utter devastation of the Nevermore, I can only assume that Jaune is a war god! A war god and a goddess of victory? It's too perfect! We're meant to be together! Our fate has already been scribed into the heavens! Oh beloved, you have truly captured my heart!_ Pyrrha clasped her hands to her bosom, sighing happily as she watched Jaune throwing a rock at the Deathstalker hard enough to once again break the sound barrier and actually pierce through its carapace and cause it to give another earsplitting screech of agony and fear. _Now, I should start planning our wedding. Obviously it needs to be a celebration for all of Remnant! I shall have to discuss this with his parentage as well as my own to determine the exact scale of the celebration itself._

Yeah... already planning the wedding. Does that come as any surprise? So while Pyrrha continued to dream about her fantasy wedding that will involve the entire world of Remnant, let's hop over to another person's though process, shall we? We still have six other minds to plumb, and by the time we're finished, we might not want to head back into any of them. With that being said, let's take a look at the living dynamo, the ball of endless energy, cheer and joy, Nora Valkyrie.

… _Wow._

That... that's it.

No, that's fine, I wasn't expecting it either. But hey, it takes all kinds, am I right? Well, since we just took a very brief view of Nora's... er... scintillating musings, let's take a look at her opposite, the silent, quick and calm Lie Ren, shall we?

 _Holy crap, how'd he do that? He just threw a feather at Nevermore and he's chasing around a Deathstalker! A freaking_ Deathstalker _! I wonder how often he trains? Would he train me? I wonder what his thoughts on people from East Vale are. He's got scars on his hands, does he cook? Did he cook those energy bars from earlier? I wonder if he can make pancakes. It'd be easier for me if he could make pancakes because then Nora can finally stop bothering me for five seconds. Does he read often? I should read more often. I don't often have the chance to. Why doesn't he wear armor? What's it like when he dies? Does it hurt? Does he care anymore? Is Ozpin watching this?_

…

Somehow this shouldn't come as a surprise.

Well, evidently Ren's mind is a... busy one? Maybe he's too busy thinking to talk normally? No matter the reasons, I think we should shift gears again. Let's take a step back, and gaze into the mind of our adorably cute and dorky reaper, Ruby Rose. Perhaps she'll shed a slightly more sane light upon things in preparation for us having to deal with the two deviants of the group, Weiss and Blake.

 _I wonder why Crocea Mors keeps making that strange sound... 'Hon hon hon?' What does that even mean? And what's an Eiffel Tower? And a Croissant? Ah well, at least I can understand Crescent Rose! Actually, I wonder why Blake's weapon keeps acting so scared. I mean, I've never met a scared weapon before. It looks so cool though! A sword, gun, and kusarigama? That's just so neato! Although I wonder why it keeps saying that it's 'seen things' and keeps asking for someone to 'put it out of its misery.' Poor Gunswordkusarigama. Maybe it would be happier if Blake switched from a water based weapon lubricant to an oil based weapon lubricant! I know Crescent Rose prefers that! Wow, is Jaune still chasing that Deathstalker? Man, I really wish I had a cookie right now. Ooh, a chocolate chip one! Or a macadamia nut one! Ooh, they all sound so good! I'm getting bored already._

Weapons and cookies. Yep, that's Ruby. Are you surprised in the least? If you are, then why are you reading this? Obviously you don't watch RWBY. Alright, so now that we've seen Ruby, Yang, Ren, Nora and Pyrrha, now we get into the depths of depravity. Let's start off with Weiss first, shall we? That might be a little bit less terrifying that what Blake has to offer us, and at least Weiss has some decent upbringing, so perhaps her thoughts won't be quite so... perverse.

 _YES! YES! SLAUGHTER IT! PLEASE YOUR QUEEN! For this I shall reward you with a collar with the loveliest of gemstones and my name etched into gold for the tag to remind all who you belong to! When we return to Beacon, I'll make you feel the sting of my love! Bound and gagged, you'll have the lessons I'll teach you etched into that lovely flesh! And should you show me loyalty, you'll find me a lovely and merciful queen, full of love and affection, but should you resist me, the punishment will be most severe! Yes, severe indeed! I believe for your first offense, I'll use the 'Rear Admiral_ _' to, ahem, 'drill' the lesson into him!_

Welp, that's about enough of that! I don't know about you, dear reader, but I believe that Jaune might want to start watching his ass from now on, if you know what I mean. So here comes the big one. The one I'm sure you've all been waiting for. The mind behind the attempted Remnant's largest Faunus orgy. The legendary pervert herself, Blake Belladonna. Now, because her mind is so utterly and completely perverse and so utterly and totally sex obsessed, I'm not actually allowed to show you her _actual_ thoughts, or this fic would be banned in at least fifteen states, and in four other countries besides the US. So how will we view Blake's thoughts? Why, through the filter of Blake-o-vision! What is Blake-o-vision _™,_ you ask? Well, let's take a look!

 _Jaune rushes by, stopping for a few moments in the cool afternoon breeze, the wind ruffling his golden hair as he slowly turns, fixing his sapphire gaze upon Blake's form, and he smiles._

" _Blake, my love," he says, running a hand through his hair, showing off his luscious abs, "When I defeat the foul creature, I shall take you away into the depths of this wood, and you and I shall make sweet love until the heavens themselves shall be jealous. I shall taste of your womanhood, and your sweet moans of pleasure will be as music to my ears..."_

 _Blake flutters her eyes, her body heating up as she gazes upon his form, and the only thing her lips can bring forth is a very soft, very sweet, "Nyaaaaa~," as a very happy smile crosses her lips. She is more than ready, but to prepare for her new lover, she turns up her preparation tool, the buzzing like the humming of angels, a choir readying their song for when she and Jaune finally become one…_

Yeah, sounds like a really bad bodice ripper, doesn't it? Kind of odd though, that Jaune would stop in the middle of his psychosis fueled rampage to stop and... offer Blake sex? Even more confusing that everyone else hadn't responded! One would assume that Pyrrha would have a few words for our nymphomaniac cat-girl ninja when Jaune offered himself to her, right? Also, wouldn't Jaune's speech be riddled with more swears and obscenities than a drunken sailor with anger management issues? You'd be right on all accounts. So let's actually see what was happening behind the Blake-o-vision shall we?

 _Jaune rushed by, stopping for a few moments in the afternoon breeze, his chest covered in dried blood from his previous deaths, his hair also matted with dried blood, and his sapphire eyes twitching wrathfully. The young man openes his mouth and gave a scream of garbled gibberish, a series of swears coded in Angrish, and screamed to the sky before he proceeded to rush off after the Deathstalker again, which in turn began screaming even louder in terror, bleeding freely from the lucky hits Jaune got off on it when its running faltered even for a moment._

 _Blake stared, practically drooling in place as she gazed on Jaune chasing down the Deathstalker back and forth once more and reached down into her thigh-holster, where a pink dial was held, and cranked it up to maximum power, a buzzing now becoming extremely clear to anyone nearby, not that she noticed. Instead, locked within her own delusional perverted fantasy, she simply sighed, slumping forward with a dumb smile and gave a very soft, "Nyaaaa~..."_

So…

Yeah.

That was a thing. See now why diving into the depths of another person's psyche is a _bad_ idea? Regardless, we all now know a little bit more of our pieces in this particular play, regardless of whether or not we actually wanted to know that. Now let's get back to the actual happenings in this story, and what is happening outside of everyone's minds…

 **[Emerald Forest – Ruin Path]**

Ruby, Yang, Blake, Weiss, Pyrrha, Nora, and Ren's gazes could be seen following the shirtless blond knight as he rushed back and forth, frothing at the mouth as the Deathstalker crawled as fast as it could away from him, but as the seconds ticked by, they began to realize that the Grimm was actually losing speed steadily.

 _ **BZZZZZZZZZZ**_

"AAGH!" Yang screamed, pulling at her hair in a surprising twist of events, "The buzzing is back and worse! It sounds like a-" ahe froze, her eyes widening. "For the love of Oum, _please_ tell me none of you are currently wearing what I think you're wearing?"

Ruby cocked her head. "What are you talking about? What's that Crescent? What's a vibrator?"

Yang gave a choked sound. "Ruby! Stop asking your weapons about that sort of thing! And who the hell is wearing that?! Sweet Monty Oum, that's so damned loud! Did you crank it up to eleven? What kind of vibe _goes_ to eleven?!"

Blake shifted positions, her eyes twitching back and forth even as she bit her lip in an attempt to not cry out in ecstasy and give herself away. Pyrrha looked at Nora, who stared back with a big grin, as though she had no idea what was going on. Chances were she probably didn't.

Weiss humphed and crossed her arms. "I do hope you aren't accusing me of such a perverse act! I am a Schnee, and would never stoop to such depravity!"

Yang rolled her eyes. "Oh, I'm sure. I bet you're just so pent up Weiss-cream, just admit it. I'm not one to judge, although I will have to tell you to shut it off as it's driving me nuts, and _Ruby is right here_!"

"It's not me! I bet it's you, trying to foist the blame off on other people!" Weiss yelled indignantly.

"What's going on guys?" Ruby asked innocently.

Before Yang could tell Ruby off, there was suddenly an extremely loud _SQUELCH_ from the underbrush, and everyone's gazes snapped to the greenery of the forest, wincing. They'd forgotten in their struggle to find the mysterious pervert that neither Jaune nor the Deathstalker had shown back up from the trees, and it became very apparent as to the fate of the anthropoid creature as a loud earsplitting screech was emitted, followed by another sickening _SQUELCH_ noise, the screech dying down into a gurgling squeak. There was more sounds of ripping and tearing, causing everyone to wince repeatedly. Yang suddenly felt ill, Weiss had gone paler than usual and even Pyrrha was looking a little disturbed. This only increased when the sound of evil laughter ghosted in through the trees.

Finally, after a while of the horrific symphony of sound, silence fell over the clearing, save for the exceedingly loud buzzing noise that still seemed to permeate the woods. A shuffle noise emitted from the nearby undergrowth and out stepped Jaune, practically drenched from head to toe in black Grimm blood, and grinning tiredly.

"Welp, problem solved!" His expression was cheerful, if still a little off kilter.

Yang twitched. "Holy Monty Oum, Jaune... who are you?"

Jaune gave a deep sigh and slumped to his knees with a groan. "Who am I? I'm... Jaune Arc. I'm the universe's chew toy."

 **[Emerald Forest – Cliff Face]**

"Fuck... you... Ozpin..." Jaune's voice could be heard straining as his hand gripped the edge of the cliff, hoisting himself slowly up over the edge.

 _Sip_

"Rude." Ozpin murmured as he gazed down at Jaune. "It appears you've managed to survive the Initiation, despite the impossible."

"What do you mean despite... the..." Jaune trailed off as his face went pale. "You... you saw."

"Of course. I've been watching the entire time. I'd like to have a talk with you in private, if you would." Ozpin quietly explained, the barest ghost of a smile playing on his lips.

Everyone else, having already made their way up the cliff face, stared at Jaune, who's face went through a series of expressions before finally finishing upon a look of resignation. "Obviously. Why wouldn't you? Actually, you know what?" Jaune threw up his hands, "This might be good. I can still pull this off."

Ozpin cocked an eyebrow. "Sorry?"

Jaune shook his head. "It's nothing. Let's get this over with. Here, or your office?" Jaune then turned to the side and frowned. "And what's wrong with her?" He pointed at the unconscious body of Glynda Goodwitch, sprawled out in the grass.

Ozpin gave a sigh. "The office, Mr. Arc."

"Excuse me, Headmaster!" Weiss spoke up. "Why aren't you making a bigger deal out of this?!" Weiss was twitching, pointing at Jaune. " _He's Immortal_!"

"Yes, as Ms. Goodwitch and I clearly witnessed." Ozpin explained in a voice in the same tone as someone explaining something extremely obvious and plain.

"B-but... that-that's impossible!" Weiss screamed, stomping a foot down. "Back me up on this!" She screamed at the rest of the group. " _And whoever is responsible, stop that accursed buzzing_!"

Yang sighed. "I'm going to have to agree with Weiss, you're taking this rather well, Headmaster."

Jaune face palmed, groaning. "Can we please stop talking like I'm not here? I'm immortal, not fucking deaf!"

Blake shifted where she stood, trying her best not to climax in front of everyone even as the buzzing continued. She desperately wanted to grab Jaune and get back to the Beacon dorms to satisfy the urges she'd been having that had only grown stronger the longer she spent in his presence. His strength, beauty and obvious tolerance towards Faunus only stoked the fire within her and she wanted it quenched _yesterday._

"W-w-we s-should go b-back to Be **acon!** " She finished with a small yelp, her cheeks going pink. She was so damned close!

"Mr. Arc and Ms. Belladona both have good points. For now, we should make our way back to Beacon campus. If someone could grab Ms. Goodwitch and follow me to the bullhead?" Ozpin queried, taking another sip of his coffee.

Suddenly Yang's voice shouted, "Not it!"

"Not it!" Ruby added.

A chorus of 'Not it!' rang out over the clearing from all except Jaune, who realized too late what was going on. With a growl and a mutter of swears, Jaune walked to the unconscious blond woman and picked her up, tossing her over his shoulder with all the care and consideration of a very apathetic moving person.

"Today has been the worst day ever... when I'm done with you, Ozpin, I'm going to spend the rest of the day locked in the library. Maybe even get some reading in with you Blake, if you don't mind." He growled.

Unfortunately, Jaune's request was unsurprisingly misconstrued, and Blake, hearing Jaune requesting something far dirtier from her, finally spilled over the edge.

With a loud " **NYAAAAAAH~!** " She collapsed to her knees, eyes tearing in sheer pleasure as she fell over, twitching on the ground.

Everyone stared down at Blake's twitching form for what seemed like an eternity before the cliff side rang with another chorus of "Not it!" followed by silence, and then;

"Son of a bitch..."

 _Death Count: 2,039_

 _ **Author's Note: A double whammy! Two updates this week, for this, as well as the start of the new Phantom Nevermore! If you guys would like more up to date information on my updating process, or any off hand questions, feel free to follow me on Twitter under LaughingLefou!**_

 _ **(And this chapter was beta read by the awesomely amazing Maxaro!)**_


	8. Fuck You Ozpin

_I don't own RWBY. It's been a hard day's night, and I've been working like a dog!_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 8: Fuck You Ozpin**

The walk back to Ozpin's office was an odd one for Jaune. Luckily for him, on the Bullhead ride back to the school, Glynda had woken up, so he didn't have to worry about dragging her over his shoulder the entire time back. Blake however, who was still too weak in the knees for some unknown reason and couldn't walk, and as such required Jaune's help in order to make it to the school. This wouldn't have been a problem if it hadn't been for the fact that Blake was acting... oddly affectionate. Between her loud purring and the fact that she kept nuzzling Jaune's face with a dumb smile, Jaune was starting to feel a little uncomfortable. Not to mention he _swore_ he could occasionally feel her humping his arm, but it might have just been the way he was moving. He hoped, anyway.

Once they actually made it back to the school, Jaune put Blake down (earning a very sad pout and a strange movement of her bow) and followed Ozpin up to his office. Once inside the large, spacious room, Ozpin made a movement to Jaune to sit down in the chair in front of his desk, which he complied with, watching as Ozpin poured himself another cup of coffee from his thermos.

After a few moments of silence, Ozpin finally spoke. "Immortal. Never before in my life have I ever encountered a Hunter with your particular Semblance. Tell me, do your parents know about this?"

Jaune's eye began to twitch and he gave a loud, high-pitched, and _incredibly_ strained laugh. "D-d-do they know? Ohohoho, _you're damned right they do_!"

Ozpin raised a single eyebrow as he took a sip from his mug. "I see. Your... skill was impressive as well. I've never known a Hunter to kill a Nevermore with its own feather... nor kill a Deathstalker by, well... stinging it with its own stinger. Though, did you have to do it through the creature's... rear?"

"Hey, when you've been both decapitated and impaled by a Deathstalker in a single day, then you can kill said Deathstalker anyway you want." Jaune hmphed and crossed his arms, tapping his foot. "So, besides restating the obvious, what exactly did you want to call me up here for?"

"Well, I _was_ hoping that I could convince you to possibly act as a Student-Teacher aide, helping other students with some of your experience, which I'm sure you have much of." Ozpin took a sip of his coffee once more, but paused when Jaune started laughing again, this time much calmer than before.

"Sorry, won't be happening."

"And why not?" Ozpin cocked an eyebrow.

"Because I quit."

Ozpin blinked, eyes widening. "Sorry?"

"I quit. I'm done. I'm no longer a Beacon student. I won't be going to classes and I won't be going for my hunting license. Did it ever occur to anyone that just because I'm immortal and just because I've been forced to get good at killing Grimm that maybe I don't _want_ to become a Hunter? I have other dreams, you know."

Ozpin gripped his coffee mug tighter, his lips narrowing into a thin line. This wasn't good. He was about to lose his entertainment for the next four years! Not to mention the fact that the Arc scion was perfect for his shipping hobby! He'd already been setting up a list of women to set him up with! He would not fail the task that Violetta had so kindly asked of him!

Mainly because that woman could be a million times more terrifying than Goodwitch when she was angry.

"Mr. Arc..." Ozpin began, his mind desperately trying to pull up anything he could in order to keep Jaune in Beacon, "Shouldn't you give this a little more thou-"

"Nope! Already thought about it! Just pull up the paperwork!" Jaune's smile was too cheerful for the Headmaster's liking.

Ozpin groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Great," He murmured as he removed his glasses and rubbed his face, replacing them afterward. "When she hears of this, Viole-" Ozpin's complaints were suddenly cut off when Jaune blurred next to him and clamped a hand down over his mouth.

" _Shhhhh!_ " Jaune shushed him, eyes flickering all over the room, his boyish face going pale. " _Do not say her name! She can hear you!_ " His eyes continued to glance about the room, cringing at the shadows.

Ozpin waited until Jaune had gotten his strange behavior out of his system and let him go before speaking up again, grinning. So Jaune was terrified of his own mother, was he? Smart lad, but that gave Ozpin exactly what he needed to keep the Arc boy around. "Mr Arc, you must understand, due to Beacon policies, if you do decide to drop out, we must contact your parents."

Jaune gave a _very_ nervous laugh. "W-w-w-why would y-you have to d-do that? I mean... c'mon! There's no reason t-to get my parents i-involved!" Jaune rubbed his arm with one hand, his smile looking more like a grimace than an expression of joy. "I-I mean, I _am_ seventeen years old, I _think_ I can make my own decisions, you know?"

"I'm sorry, Jaune," Ozpin began, unable to keep the grin from his face as he straightened some papers on his desk, "But these regulations are here for the students safety, regardless of whether or not they can come back from the dead."

"That... that doesn't make any sense!" Jaune shouted, slamming his hands down on the table.

"I can't show favoritism towards students, Mr. Arc. Surely you can understand?" Ozpin reached for his Scroll, moving slightly slower than usual in order to give Jaune the time to back down. He and Jaune locked eyes, as if daring the other to back down. Ozpin's hand inched closer and closer to his scroll, the tension in the room building and climbing as the distance between his fingers and the scroll lessened…

"... nnnyyyaaaaaggghhhh!" Jaune gave a strangled cry and grabbed his hair. "Okay _, fine! You win!_ " The young blond man slumped forward and groaned. "I'll... stay..."

Ozpin struggled to keep the triumphant smile from his face, trying to remain impassive. "I'm very glad you decided to renege on your decision. Now, about the Student-Teacher aide position?"

The office was silent for a few moments, as neither student, nor Headmaster, spoke a word.

Finally, after what felt like an hour of silence to Ozpin, Jaune spoke up. "Fuck you, Ozpin."

Sip.

"Rude."

Jaune sighed and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "You know what? Fine. I'll just make you _kick_ me out!"

"Oh?" Ozpin cocked an eyebrow.

"Hell yeah. Beacon's got all sorts of rules I can break!" Jaune's face broke out into an almost psychotic grin. "By the time I'm finished, the entire staff will be begging for you to kick me out!" He leaned forward, his bangs shadowing his eyes as he continued speaking, "I'm not going to let anyone control my life anymore. I've dealt with that for seventeen Dust forsaken years and I'll be damned if I deal with it for another year longer. So, what do you say to that, Ozpin?"

Ozpin remained silent for a few moments, sipping on his coffee and messing with the papers that littered his desk. Jaune continued to stare, frowning as he waited for Ozpin's response, but, as the moments turned to minutes, the tension in the room started to build once more. Jaune's expression tightened into a thin-lipped grimace.

 _I never thought I'd ever say this in regards to you, but TALK ALREADY!_ Jaune twitched, trying to fight the urge to pick up the massive desk and throw it right at Ozpin's head.

After what seemed like an eternity, with Jaune's patience wearing _dangerously_ thin, the Headmaster spoke. "Is that a challenge, Mr. Arc?"

Jaune growled. "You're damn right that's a challenge!"

For the first time since he arrived at Beacon, Jaune felt a feeling he hadn't from anyone save his mother. Fear. Ozpin matched Jaune's earlier psychotic grin and he took another sip of his mug. "Mr. Arc... challenge accepted."

Jaune blinked, taken aback by Ozpin's sudden change into a terrifying countenance. "W-what?"

"You'd be surprised at what this school will let me get away with. Everyone here trusts my judgment, and if I say you should stay, they'll agree with me." Ozpin took a satisfied sip of his coffee, leaning back in his seat.

"Oh yeah? I'm the next in line for the head of the Arc Clan. I've _created_ my own Arc Family Blade Technique. What makes you think I _can't_ get kicked out of a school?" Jaune snapped back, eyes narrowing.

Ozpin laughed heartily. "Oh, I think these next four years will be the most entertaining I've ever had."

Jaune stood up from his seat, now glaring daggers at Ozpin. Turning on his heel, the blond man stormed off, walking back into the elevator down the tower. With a growl, he pushed the button on the elevator for the bottom floor, and as the doors began to slowly close, Jaune sent one last glare towards the Headmaster.

"Fuck you, Ozpin!"

Ozpin watched as the doors closed on Jaune's features and took one last sip of his coffee mug, frowning. "Rude."

 **[Beacon Academy – Auditorium]**

"... Ruby Rose, Weiss Schnee, Blake Belladona, and Yang Xiao Long. You will compose team RWBY, as led by Ruby Rose!"

Ruby gave a cheer and pumped her fist in the air. "Woo!"

Yang grinned and ruffled her younger sister's hair affectionately. "Great job Ruby!"

Standing behind the newest team, team JNPR waited. Jaune flashed Ruby a grin, his foul mood momentarily forgotten. Pyrrha placed a hand on his shoulder, catching his attention and he looked back to his red haired partner who flashed him a smile.

"I cannot wait to hear about our Team, although I fear we might overshadow anyone we're partnered with. Perhaps you and I shall be in a Team in and of itself?"

Jaune groaned and his back slumped. "No, Pyrrha. We're getting put on a four person team just like everyone else. Regardless of who or... _what_ , we are, we're still being treated as normal students."

Pyrrha nodded sagely. "Oh, of course. You're absolutely correct. In the world of mortals, we must _act_ as mortals."

"... you... you're actually serious about this whole 'divinity' thing, aren't you?"

Before Pyrrha could speak up, team RWBY had made their way off of the stage and Ozpin spoke up again. "The next team. Jaune Arc, Pyrrha Nikos, Lie Ren, and Nora Valkyrie." The four named students walked up to the stage, overlooking the audience before them. Pyrrha flashed her usual award winning smile, Nora was bouncing up and down, Ren was relatively calm, and Jaune looked like he'd rather be anywhere else, alternating between staring incredulously at Pyrrha, and glaring daggers at Ozpin once more. If the Headmaster noticed the blond man affixing him with a death glare, he didn't make it known, instead speaking up once more. "You will be... Team JNPR!"

Pyrrha smiled, waving to the audience with one hand and holding Jaune's shoulder almost possessively with the other. Nora let out a yelled "WOOHOO!" before squeezing Ren in a hug that Jaune swore had the boy's back cracking painfully and sympathetically winced.

"... as led by... Jaune Arc!" Ozpin finished, briefly turning to Jaune with an almost evil smile.

Jaune stared back, even as his partner embraced him, smiling like crazy. "Jaune, that's wonderful! I know you'll be an excellent and perfect leader!" Pyrrha's voice was proud and joyful.

"Jaune-Jaune's a leader! What does a leader do? Can I be a leader too? What are you leading? Are you leading us? Where are you leading us to? I'd like to go to the zoo. The zoo has sloths! I like sloths. Sloths are fuzzy and furry and I wanna hug them. Ren is nice to hug." Nora's rambling began once again and Jaune groaned, over looking the crowd of students in front him before throwing up his hands and affixing Ozpin with the dryest possible stare he could muster and spoke, loud enough for the entire auditorium to hear.

"Fuck! You! Ozpin!"

The entire room went quiet, the eyes of the assembled students widening in shock. Another student, a _first year_ student, just swore at Ozpin so disrespectfully! Everyone sat stock still, waiting for Ozpin to chew out the young man, or perhaps even kick him out of the school for such a thing!

Sip.

"Rude."

Jaws dropped and eyes widened even further. That was it? No punishment? No lecture about treating his elders with respect? Not even a slap on the wrist, either physical or metaphorical? What was going on? Who was this blond kid? Did he know Ozpin personally?

Murmurs began to rise from the audience as they continued to stare at Jaune and Ozpin, the former glaring wrathfully at the Headmaster and the latter smirking back.

Ren stared at the two, then at his partner, and then at Pyrrha. He sighed. _So much for getting some reading in…_

 **[Beacon – Team JNPR Dorms]**

The door to the dorm room was kicked in, almost flying off its hinges, and Nora jumped in excitedly, bright eyes flickering about the room. "Alright guys, let's get this thing decorated! We should decorate it with pink! Lots of pink! I like pink! Ren dyes part of his hair pink! You should dye your hair Jaune. Hey, dye sounds a lot like die! Does it hurt when you die?"

Jaune groaned and sighed as he slowly walked in behind his orange haired teammate. "Yes. Yes it does hurt. A lot. It's one of the many reasons I hate it."

"You don't sound happy about your... er... promotion." Ren spoke up.

"I'd been hoping to scoot by under the radar, not thrown into the spotlight. The last thing I need is for everyone in Beacon to find out about my immortality _and_ my skill..."

"Just how skilled are you?" Ren asked curiously.

"Enough." Jaune quipped. The young blond man looked around the empty room and scratched his head. "So... we're supposed to decorate our own rooms, huh? Sadly, I didn't bring much in the way of interior decorating, although if you gave me some paint swatches and a budget of say... 5000 Lien, I might be able to make this place look fairly ritzy."

Pyrrha blinked in confusion. "Interior decorating? What... what else can you do?"

Jaune gave a tired grin. "We don't have enough time for me to list them all before the end of the day. Combat is just a side skill of mine."

"Where are we going to get 5000 Lien?" Ren asked, more to himself than to anyone else.

"I brought stuff!" Nora shouted, jumping into the air again. "I have lots of posters and pink curtains and lots of stuff to make the room extra PRETTY! I like pink, pink is my favorite color! Ren's hair is kind of pink! He dyes it every so often! I'm hungry. When's dinner? Could you make me pancakes Ren? Ren's pancakes are the best. I like pancakes with syrup!"

"Actually, Nora brings up a good point." Jaune admitted. With lack of care, Jaune tossed his bags onto a bed in the corner. "Although we should at least move some of the furniture around here to our choosing."

Nora quickly rushed forward and pushed one of the beds close to the other and pumped her fist. "Alright, this bed will be mine and this one will be Renny's!"

Jaune frowned for a moment, stroking his chin before moving forward himself and moving the other two beds in the room close to each other, mirroring Nora's actions. "There. We can't have asymmetry in the room. Pyrrha, what do you think?"

Pyrrha's face went red as she noticed how her bed was so close to Jaune. "I love it! It's absolutely perfect!"

Jaune grinned and gave Pyrrha a thumbs up. "Awesome. I really think the way the beds look really ties the room together."

Ren blinked. "Er... Jaune?"

"Yeah?"

"You... do... realize what you're hinting with the bed placements, right?"

Jaune cocked an eyebrow. "What? It's a nice mirror! Can't have the two beds apart like that if the other pair is connected, it would make the room look horrible!"

"Not that I'm arguing with your choice in interior design and burgeoning knowledge in Feng Shui, I don't think that-" Ren began. He froze solid however, the words dying on his lips when he caught Pyrrha affixing him with a withering glare, as if daring him to separate them. "You know what? On second thought, you should keep it like that. We can work with this."

Pyrrha's face adopted her usual smile and tilted her head. "I'm glad you think that way Ren. Now, Jaune, I will admit that I tend to move around quite a bit at night, so don't be surprised if I _accidentally_ end up in your bed..." Pyrrha's smile turned almost predatory in nature, but Jaune had his back to her, still looking over the room.

"I say we split this place up into fourths. We can decorate it in our own choice. It might seem chaotic, but I like to think that if we can keep a very distinct line between the different areas of the room, it'll be a very interesting controlled chaos." Jaune nodded. "Yeah, that seems like the best idea. Heck, we can make it a team outing and head to Vale for some decorations!"

"Sounds like fun! Woo hoo! We should totally do a team outing! I like outings! Can we stop by the zoo! I should get a baby sloth for our room! I-" Nora started

"Gonna cut you off _right_ there. No live animals in the room. Ever." Jaune crossed his arms, frowning at Nora. "Consider that my first decree as a leader."

Nora slumped forward with an "Awwww..."

Jaune suddenly turned to the door of the dorm and stroked his chin. "Hey, if we're gonna go to town, let's go invite team RWBY!"

"Good idea!" Pyrrha replied, clasping her hands. "Sounds like fun! I'm sure Ruby will be delighted to join us."

Jaune grinned. "I'll head over right now and let them know!" The young blond man threw open the door to their dorm and walked across the hall, to the room where team RWBY had been assigned. He approached their door, and rose a fist to knock on the door, but stopped when he heard noises. The door had been left open a crack, and Jaune very slowly peeked into the room out of curiosity. What he saw had his jaw on the floor and he froze in shock.

There was a small television in the far end of the room, and playing on the screen was a cartoon show, one that Jaune recognized. "Sailor Lunar." A magical girl anime. But this... this was not the most shocking thing he saw.

No. The most shocking thing was the lone person in the middle of the room. Yang. Wearing a very small schoolgirl outfit, twirling around in a circle before stopping with her hips cocked and her fingers held in a sideways V over her eye, her voice shouting out "Transform! Here to save the world, Magical Girl Yang-Chan!"

Jaune blinked and slowly turned away, his face turning pale. _Pretend you saw nothing... pretend you saw nothing… just begin repressing the memories..._

 _ **Author's Note: Sorry about the lack of updates, but life has gotten right in my way. With the risk of the loss of my job in the horizon, it's been hard to come up with the time and motivation to write. But, you folks are amazing, and with so many people following me, I cannot let you go without your dose of utter and complete insanity! Look forward to the Phantom Nevermore: Moonlit Sonata Chapter 2 soon!**_

 _ **And yep. Yang's big thing is she's a Magical Girl fan.**_

 _ **(This chapter was beta read by Maxaro! Read his work! Nao!)**_

 _ **And keep the reviews flowing!**_


	9. Have a Day (Morning)

_I do not own RWBY. When in doubt, whip it out. Except in front of Blake. Then keep it in. And lock it up. Even then you probably won't be safe._

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 9: Have a Day (Morning)**

" _... and the winner, of Remnant's 51_ _st_ _Platinum Chef competition is... Jaune Arc!" Cheers erupted from the audience as the young blond man stepped forward, dressed immaculately in a white chef's outfit, his hat tucked neatly underneath his arm as he gave a low bow. Next to him, a black haired man (strangely with a magenta stripe in his hair for reasons Jaune couldn't explain) raised a hand, quieting the audience. "With this, I am proud to present to you the Platinum Knife, as a token of your astonishing technique in the culinary field. Do you have any words for our viewers?"_

 _Jaune gave the crowd a smug smile. "Well, I must admit, the competition was fierce this year, but I owe it all to my Filet Mignon with Bearnaise sauce. I've worked long and hard to perfect my craft, and I'm glad to see that such effort has paid off. I'd like to thank my seven sisters, for always supporting me, my father for giving me advice when I needed it, and my grandfather for giving me even better advice." Jaune flashed the audience a smile, knowing his father was watching, "Sorry old man, but you have to agree, old Grandpa Arc is the wisest person we know."_

 _Jaune's mountain of a father grinned widely, nodding in agreement. The host of the show (_ _w_ _hy did he look so familiar?) turned to him. "Well said! What happens to be your plan after winning the Platinum Knife?"_

" _Well, I'm hoping to open up my own restaurant, The Golden Goliath, and serv_ _e_ _the highest quality and most delicious meals that any palate would be happy to partake of." Jaune flashed another smile, amidst the cheers of the audience._

" _Wonderful! We're all looking forward to seeing your restaurant open soon! For a short term reward though, please, allow us to introduce you to your next reward; a date with Pyrrha Nikos!" The host (wait, REN?!) cried out triumphantly._

" _Wait, WHAT?" Jaune asked, eyes widening in terror. A pair of arms suddenly wrapped themselves around his chest and the smell of 'girl' filled his nostrils. His gaze flickered to the side to see locks of bright red hair draped over his shoulder._

" _Jaaaaauuuuunnnneeeee..." Pyrrha singsonged in his ear, causing him to shudder (though whether from fear, arousal or something else entirely he wasn't sure). "Are you ready for your_ real _reward?"_

" _R-r-r-real r-reward?" Jaune asked shakily, face going pale._

" _Yes Jaune... now, let's make a baby..." Pyrrha whispered huskily before nibbling on his earlobe._

 _Jaune's eyes shot open in abject terror (or was it arousal?) and-_

 **[Beacon – JNPR Dorm Room]**

Jaune's eyes flew open, staring up at the ceiling of the dorm room, and softly groaned. _Damn it! I was enjoying that dream until_ that _happened…_ the young blond man sighed and closed his eyes again, putting his arms underneath his pillow, supporting his head. He just wanted to get back to sleep, and forget about the molestation in his dream. He took a deep breath, stretched his back and held his arms tighter around his sleeping partner, letting himself relax.

…

He froze.

 _Wait a minute... I don't own any stuffed animals... in fact, this doesn't feel like a stuffed animal at all... wait, is that 'girl' I smell?_ Jaune slowly opened his eyes again and looked downward, his entire body stiffening upon what he viewed.

With her arms clutching him and an _extremely_ contented smile on her lips, was Pyrrha. Jaune groaned inwardly, letting go of her. _Dust damn it, Pyrrha!_ His thoughts drifted back to the previous day and he ran a hand over his face. _Right. She said she moved around a lot, didn't she? Maybe we should change the room layout a bit. Either that, or I need to find some sort of way to keep her out of my bed._

Pyrrha's arms hugged him a little tighter, her smile growing. "Jaune~..." she moaned happily in her sleep.

 _You know, she's kinda cute when she's asleep- NO! She's coo-coo for Cocoa Puffs! Remember what Grampa Arc always said! 'Never stick your dick in crazy'! I'm fairly certain that also includes sleeping with, dating, or anything of the sort! I need to get out of here._ Jaune waited until Pyrrha's arms slowly loosened their grip on him, and he began the arduous task of attempting to free himself from the clutches of his, admittedly attractive, partner without waking her up. This however, was a task easier said than done, and he found himself spending what felt like an eternity slowly inching his body out from her arms.

It took in actuality about twenty minutes for him to finally get down to head level with Pyrrha's chest, ready to pull his head away, thoughts of a nice shower and some early breakfast already beginning to cheer him up.

If you've been reading this however, you know that life seems to enjoy shitting all over poor Jaune, and at the most comically entertaining moments.

At that very moment, Pyrrha had decided to tighten her grip on Jaune once more, still slumbering peacefully. This action had the unintended, or merely subconscious, consequence of shoving Jaune's face directly into her cleavage.

The action happened so quickly that Jaune didn't even have the chance to cry out in shock, instead finding himself being pushed tightly into the softest, warmest, most lovely pair of- _AGH! NO! BAD LIBIDO!_ Jaune chastised himself, eyes widening. _Damn it Pyrrha, do you have to leave the top buttons of your pajamas unbuttoned when you sleep! Crap, I can't move my head! I'm stuck! For the love of Oum, Pyrrha, let me go! Come on, you can't tell me you can't feel this!_

Pyrrha gave a giggle, still slumbering. With the tone that only those still fast asleep could speak in, Pyrrha softly replied, "Oh Jaune, you naughty boy... you make me a _very_ virtuous Goddess..."

Jaune groaned (the sound muffled by Pyrrha's prodigious bosom) and his mind raced as he attempted to figure out how to extricate himself from the embarrassing (if slightly enjoyable) position he was in. Hearing Pyrrha's soft giggles and little moans wasn't doing him any favors either; and it was becoming increasingly hard to ignore just _how_ attractive his partner actually was. _Think Jaune, think! Do not let Pyrrha's supple, firm, yet soft body distract you! Just because she has such smooth, unblemished skin, such lovely soft- AGH! NO! THINK DAMN IT!_

Unfortunately before his brain could wrest control from his libido, Pyrrha's grip tightened further, forcing Jaune's face even deeper against her chest, almost purring in enjoyment. Jaune felt some semblance of relief, mainly because his libido became quashed. However, this was far overshadowed by a sudden dread due to the reason his libido went quiet: He couldn't breathe. Pyrrha was pushing his face so tightly against her chest that it became less pleasant and more suffocating.

"Mmmf!" Jaune tried to catch her attention, but Pyrrha still slumbered away happily, her mind gone off to places we should _not_ in fact follow.

 _Crap. This isn't good... I could try shaking her awake, but that might end up being exceedingly embarrassing for the both of us. Or even worse, she might actually try to attempt a repeat of my dream…_ Jaune shuddered. _Damn it, I can't breathe... this is going to be the most embarrassing death ever. Who ever heard of someone dying from suffocation in your partner's breasts? Pyrrha, let go! I do_ not _want to die like this! For the love of Oum, someone save me!_

As if the ear of Oum himself was listening in, a sound caught Jaune's attention: a familiar giggle. He wanted to turn his damn head, but Pyrrha seemed bound and determined to keep his face against her pillowy chest as tightly as she could. Though he didn't really need to; he knew already whose giggle it was.

Nora's.

Jaune's breath became slower and shallower, and his hand reached to the side to the bed, smacking the mattress in order to signal a tap out, praying that Nora would get the hint and give him a hand before he passed out and died of too much boobs.

"Teehee! Ren, look! Pyrrha's so forward! Do you think they're gonna boop? We should leave so they can boop." Nora giggled again, merrily.

 _NO! DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!_

Jaune began to hit the side of the mattress harder, trying desperately to signal his distress. Luckily for him, Ren seemed to notice and cleared his throat. "Nora, I don't think that's the case. I think Jaune's trying to tap out."

"Oh, you mean like you do when I accidentally-" Nora started

"Yes. Yes he is." Ren sighed. "Pyrrha!"

Pyrrha gave a muffled noise and only hugged Jaune harder, like a beloved stuffed animal. "Mrrrff!"

"Pyrrha!" Ren spoke up again.

Pyrrha's green eyes slowly flickered open and she yawned. "Oh... is it morning already?" Pyrrha asked, still sleepy enough to not realize she was clutching her partner tightly.

"Pyrrha, I think Jaune's having difficulty breathing." Ren replied, the ghost of a wry smile flitting around his lips.

Pyrrha blinked and looked down in confusion. Her face slowly broke out into a smile as she noticed Jaune, face first in her breasts. _I knew he couldn't resist! Are you enjoying yourself, love?_ Pyrrha turned back to Ren, still smiling widely. "Oh, nothing to be concerned about. Jaune's just enjoying himself."

Ren deadpanned. "Pyrrha?"

"Yes, Ren?" Pyrrha asked, her tone just a little more irritable than before, annoyed that the man was interrupting her and Jaune's special time together.

"I think he's trying to tap out." Ren pointed to Jaune's hand, which was starting to slow in its thumps, as though its owner was currently losing consciousness.

Pyrrha looked down once more, and her emerald eyes widened in realization, letting quickly go of Jaune. "I'm sorry!" She cried out.

Jaune rolled over and hit the floor, coughing and breathing heavily. " _I can breathe! Dear sweet Monty Oum, I can breathe!_ " Jaune shouted on his hands and knees. Slowly, he picked one hand up off the floor and pointed at Pyrrha, his face still facing the floor. "YOU!"

Pyrrha sat nervously and looked around, unable to meet Jaune's gaze. "I... I'm sorry..." she hung her head as dejectedly as she could, looking as absolutely miserable as she could at the same time. Of course, if anyone saw inside her head, they'd notice she wasn't feeling the least bit guilty, and was, in fact, trying to get Jaune to forgive her merely so that she could hold Jaune so close again.

"You... need to sleep in your own bed!" Jaune huffed, clutching his chest. "My heart can't take much more of this..." he finished with a whimper, eyes wide.

 _His heart? Oh Jaune, just admit it, you love me!_ Pyrrha couldn't help but smile down at Jaune, her gaze dreamy and out of focus. It was only the deep sigh of Lie Ren that brought her back to reality.

"Pyrrha. Whatever you're thinking, you're probably wrong."

"And how would you know?!" Pyrrha snapped at him, crossing her arms irritatedly. _Blasphemer!_

"Because Nora does the same thing to me all the time, and I personally prefer breathing. I need to do it to live, and while Jaune can bounce back, I'm sure death isn't something he looks forward to." Ren explained calmly.

"THANK YOU!" Jaune shouted from his spot on the floor.

Pyrrha actually pouted, arms still crossed. "Hmph. Fine."

Ren walked forward and offered a hand to Jaune, who gripped it and let Ren help him to his feet. "Thanks."

Ren nodded. "Don't mention it. I've been in your position with Nora more times than I can count."

Jaune grimaced. "How the hell do you survive?"

Ren gave a wry smile. "I've learned where to pinch Nora so she actually wakes up."

Nora crossed her own arms and pouted. "Pinching my nipplies hurts, Ren!"

"... really?" Jaune fixed Ren with a deadpan expression.

Ren returned Jaune's look with one of his own. "When you're suffocating in your friend's bosom, you do what you can to survive."

"... fair enough."

 **[Beacon Academy – Cafeteria]**

Blake was upset. Here she was, poking at her tuna sandwich (she was surprised they were actually serving such a thing for breakfast, but she wasn't going to complain) when she _should_ have been having someone poking at her tuna sand-er, taco. That someone being a certain blond knight who captured her attention the day before. It was odd. She was never one to focus on one man at a time, but there was something about Jaune that had captured her attention. Maybe it was his lovely figure? Maybe it was his charming and charismatic personality (remember, Blake-o-vision™?)? Whatever the reason, Blake was depressed. The previous day she had waited, in the correct position, for Jaune to come by and, how was it he put it?

 _"When this day is done, I plan to spend the rest of the day locked in the library, going down on Blake until everything I taste from then on tastes faintly of her..."_

Butno, instead she spent the entire day waiting for him, doing nothing and having to enjoy herself. Her bow was flat against her head as she pouted, poking at the sandwich some more.

"Aw, what's got you down Blake?" The cat-girl looked up and frowned as her blond partner approached with a grin. "Come on, I'm just worried about my partner." Yang's smile became warmer and she rubbed Blake's back.

Despite herself, Blake gave a low, rumbling purr. "It... it's nothing."

"Oh, no it's not. Come on, talk to me!" Yang replied.

"I... got stood up."

Yang punched the table angrily. " _Stood up?!_ Who the hell would stand you up?! Are they blind?"

Blake gave a little blush. _I'm not much for girls but... I can make an exception for her... maybe her AND Jaune?_ "T-thanks Yang." Blake picked up her sandwich and took a large bite. Yang had apparently grabbed herself a breakfast burrito and started on it as well. As they ate, Ruby, Weiss, Pyrrha, Ren and Nora all approached the table, all carrying their varying breakfasts. Unsurprisingly, Weiss had apparently decided to choose the healthiest breakfast imaginable, while Nora had a stack of pancakes so large that it was threatening to fall over with every step she took. Ruby's plate was-

"Ruby? Why is your plate nothing but cookies?" Yang's voice was strained, and she was affixing her little sister with a stern look.

"Ehehehe..." Ruby nervously laughed, scratching the back of her neck. "I...it's a cookie based cereal?"

"Ruby?" Yang frowned deeper.

"... fiiiiine." Ruby pouted and walked off with her plate of cookies, trying to stealthily eat them before she got to the breakfast line.

"HEY! YOU BETTER NOT BE EATING ALL OF THOSE ON YOUR WAY BACK!" Yang yelled after Ruby.

"Awwwww!" Ruby pouted as she hung her head, mourning the loss of her favorite food.

As Ruby made her sad, slow way back to the breakfast line, Yang turned back to Nora, Pyrrha and Ren. "Hey, where's Vomit Boy?"

Pyrrha frowned. "I'm not sure. He said he'd be meeting us for breakfast after he finished his shower."

Ren nodded in agreement. "He should be here by now. I wonder what's taking him?"

 **[Beacon Academy – Teacher's Lounge]**

"Bart, I'm just saying, I think there's a reason as to why no student has ever passed your class." A large portly man with the most magnificent mustache on Remnant spoke in a low, bass rumble. Sitting across from him, a thin, wiry man with green hair and thick, coke bottle glasses shook his head silently. "I'm not saying that you don't know your material, you've proven that you know more than any of us on more than one occasion. I'm just saying, you should really consider finding a teaching aide, someone who can do the class work for you so the students aren't confused by your... er... _condition_."

"Peter," one Professor-er, _Doctor_ Bartholomew began, "I would never hire an aide! I refuse to miss out on personally filling the minds of the youth with the history of Remnant myself! I _also_ do _not_ have a condition! I am the picture of perfect-..." interrupting the middle of his rant, Oobleck's head suddenly drooped, and a soft snoring could be heard coming from the wiry professor.

Peter Port sighed and shook his head, munching on a croissant he'd attained that morning, washing it down with a cup of coffee. Oobleck continued to snooze softly, his chin resting on his chest. Seconds ticked by. Then minutes as Port continued to eat his breakfast and sip his coffee. The door opened up and in stepped the familiar face of one Glynda Goodwitch.

"Ah, Glynda!" Port greeted her with a jovial smile. "How is your morning?"

The disciplinarian gave a thin lipped smile. "I... it's been better."

Port frowned and started to speak up, ready to ask what was the problem, when Oobleck's head shot up and his voice beat him to the punch. "... and that's why Christmas was invented!"

The lounge went silent for a few moments before Port sighed again. "Bart, I couldn't follow your thought process."

Oobleck frowned. "I don't know how I could have made it any clearer!" The green haired professor paused and looked up at Glynda, his face a mask of confusion. "Glynda! When did you get here?"

The blond woman sighed and took a seat next to the two. "When you were having a nap, Oobleck."

" _I am not narcoleptic!_ " Oobleck shouted.

"You fell asleep in mid conversation."

"If I fell asleep, it's because of you and your boring stories!"

Port's eyes widened. "B-b-b- _BORING?!_ "

Oobleck's eyes widened and he shook his head. "I... I'm sorry Port, I didn't mean it. But I am _not_ narcoleptic!"

"Bart, I've showed you video evidence of you falling asleep in mid conversation. It's not bad enough you do that, but then you end up somewhere else from where you began. People can't follow your train of thought because it goes on while you're asleep!" Port shook his head. "Bart, we're not saying you shouldn't be a teacher-"

"Speak for yourself." Glynda muttered, using her telekinesis to make herself a mug of her favorite tea.

"- **But** we still think you should change your teaching habits so students can pass your class!"

"Students do!" Oobleck argued back.

" _Student_ " Port emphasized the lack of plural. "And the only reason she passed is because she literally managed to luck out and guess correct answers during her final."

The green haired man's face fell and he slumped in his seat. "Am I really that bad?"

"Well, I think that _bad_ is a relative term, I mean I've had difficulty with-" Peter's voice trailed off as the door to the teacher's lounge opened up again, but instead of Ozpin stepping in, as he expected, a young blond male stepped in, whistling cheerfully to himself. "Erm... excuse me?" Peter spoke up, trying to get the young man's attention.

Glynda suddenly winced and recoiled away from the young blond as he turned to the table, giving a cheerful wave. "Ah, hello!"

Port's face twisted in confusion. "Who...who are you?"

"You do understand that this is the teacher's lounge, right?" Oobleck added, fixing his glasses as his eyes narrowed.

"My name is Jaune Arc! This is the teacher's lounge, you say?" Jaune asked, tilting his head and smiling as though he hadn't a worry in the world.

Port frowned. "Yes, Mr. Arc, this is the teacher's lounge, which means you must leave at once."

Jaune put his finger to his chin as if deep in thought, then, with a great, shit-eating grin, shook his head. "Nope. Don't think I will." The sheer audacity of the situation stunned both Port and Oobleck into silence, leaving them sitting with their mouths agape. Glynda on the other hand gave a small squeak, and Jaune turned to her, cocking an eyebrow. "Are you okay?"

The older blond woman looked absolutely terrified, her face pale as a sheet. She suddenly reached out onto the table, grabbing a shaker of salt and pouring its contents onto her hand before tossing the salt at Jaune. "G-g-g-g-get b-b-b-back!" Glynda squeaked, her entire expression uncharacteristically scared.

"W-what'd I do?" Jaune asked, confused. "What are you doing? St-stop that!" Jaune slightly recoiled as the Headmistress kept tossing salt at him, raising his hands slightly. "Come on... stop that, you're getting salt all over my shirt..."

"B-by the p-power invested in M-Monty Oum… B-begone, undead!" Glynda shouted, eyes wide.

"I'm not a zombie!" Jaune replied, his face exasperated. "I'm as alive as you are! And stop throwing salt on me! I don't want to have to do laundry again this early in the morning!" Jaune backed off, trying to avoid the salt, instead choosing to dig through the cabinets within the teacher's lounge for a coffee mug and a small cup of instant coffee, working the coffee machine that had been installed in an age long past.

"M-m-mister Arc!" Port managed to recover from the strange situation he found himself in, at least enough to be able to chastise the young man. "If you continue to act in such a manner, I will be forced to discuss this with Ozpin!"

Jaune whistled while he made himself a cup of coffee, turning to Port with an ear to ear smile. "Oh, you will? Excellent!"

"Mr. Arc! Insubordination of this caliber will be met with possible expulsion!" Oobleck added, standing to his feet with an angry glower.

"Ooh, goody!" Jaune smiled, removing the cup of coffee from the machine, bringing it to his nose and giving it a sniff. "Mmm, nice blend."'

Another voice spoke up from the doorway, both somehow bored and mischievous. "Ignore him. Mr. Arc is just trying to get kicked out of Beacon on purpose." Jaune turned to the voice with a death glare as Ozpin walked into the room, a mug of steaming coffee in one hand, and his cane in the other, his usual mysterious smile gracing his features.

"Wait he's _trying_ to get kicked out?" Oobleck asked, his glance flickering between Jaune and Ozpin.

"Well, why not just quit then Mr Arc-" Port started, then stopped, realization hitting him. "Jaune, would your mother happen to be Vio-" Port was cut off abruptly when Jaune seemed to just _appear_ next to him, eyes wide in fright, frantically covering the portly teacher's mouth.

" _DON'T SAY HER NAME!_ She can hear you!" Jaune's eyes were wide in a panic and terror that put Glynda's to shame.

Port's face was oddly understanding and when Jaune removed his hand from his mouth, the mustached man speaking up again. "Ozpin, don't you think we can waive the parent contact rule for Mr. Arc? I mean, the lad is... 17? 18?"

"Seventeen." Jaune confirmed.

"Exactly. You and I were out on our own at that age! Why not let Mr. Arc free then?"

Ozpin shook his head. "I'm sorry, I can't bend the rules."

Port frowned and raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "Ozpin, you outright break rules all the time."

Ozpin's face broke out into a smile as he took a sip of his coffee. "Sorry, but I'm afraid I won't be breaking this one. If Mr. Arc wants to leave, I _have_ to tell his parents."

Jaune glared. "Oh yeah? Well... I'm drinking your coffee! What now?!"

Ozpin's smile became even more trollish. "Oh? Didn't you know that over 30% of the school's budget goes to coffee? I hope you do enjoy the teacher's blend, it's a personal favorite of mine."

There was silence as Jaune angrily took a sip of the coffee, admitting that it was, indeed, a damn good cup of coffee. That still didn't stop him however, from lowering the cup of coffee and muttering his usual phrase for having to deal with Ozpin.

"Fuck you, Ozpin."

As his colleagues fixed him with looks of shock and surprise, (and Glynda a look of pleading to save her from the unholy, blond terror drinking coffee in the lounge with them) Ozpin took a sip of his own coffee, savoring the taste. Then;

"Rude."

 _ **Author's Note: Sorry for the delay, AGAIN! I've been distracted by life, as per usual and I've finally managed to get some time to sit down and crank out another chapter. Over 1000 followers? A FANFIC RECCOMENDATION ON TVTROPES?! (By the way, a super special shoutout to magictoaster for the generous offering) I wasn't ever expecting Immortal to be THIS popular, but there you have it! I hope to have many, many more chapters in the future, with all sorts of insanity and zaniness!**_

 _ **And remember to leave a review!**_

 _ **(This chapter has been Beta-read by Maxaro!)**_

 _ **By the way, do you enjoy writing, but find ideas hard to come by? Do you like the ideas I have up on my profile page and would like to see them sooner, rather than later? Well, I'm looking for someone who'd enjoy collaborating with me on a particular work (anything that isn't the Legend of Zelda fic or the OC fic). I can help give whoever I'm working with a basic storyline with events, and you guys can fill in the rest as you see fit! Just shoot me a PM with the title being the fic idea you'd like to help work with me on, and we can discuss things from there! Oh, and I plan on adding some new ideas to the page as well (because I have TOO many of them!).**_


	10. Have A Day (Afternoon)

_I do not own RWBY. Back, by popular demand, it's:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 10: Have A Day (Afternoon)**

The safe house smelled like pot. It _always_ spelled like pot. No matter how many air fresheners she placed all over the house, or how many time she sprayed potpourri, she could never, _ever_ eliminate the smell. To make matters worse, the pot smoke was so thick and cloying that she swore that she was getting a contact high simply just being in the area. The petite woman waved a hand in front of her face as she stepped over the countless empty bags of chips and other various assorted junk foods that had been left scattered all over the floor. She stopped when she saw _him_ lying on the floor, smoke billowing out from the cigar in his mouth as he stared up at the ceiling. His usual cream colored suit was wrinkled from being laid about in and his bowler hat was balanced on one finger, being twirled around nice and slow.

The petite woman approached the man lying down and raised one stiletto heeled foot before driving it hard into his side. The man's only reaction was to give a grunt, and open his eyes, his lips upturning in recognition. "Heeeeeeyyyy... Neo..." his voice was a lazy drawl, the kind of drawl that only those who reached the upper echelons of '420-blazed' could speak in. "Did you, like... bring any chips?"

Neopolitan smacked her forehead with her hand. Why Cinder had ever decided to hire this insane, lazy, pot smoking weirdo was beyond her. Couldn't she tell from the smell alone that the cigar in his mouth wasn't a cigar, but, in fact, the largest blunt ever rolled on Remnant? The only reason Neo could ever possibly think anyone would want to hire Roman for _anything_ was that he looked extremely intimidating with his blood red eyes. The only reason his eyes were so red, though, was because they were _beyond_ bloodshot. Other than looking terrifying though, Roman was as threatening as a declawed and slightly brain damaged gerbil. In fact, now that she thought about it, why on Remnant did _she_ work for him?

Oh, right, because Roman was so high that he paid her stupid amounts of Lien to do his work for him. Which she then foisted off onto the hired help. Yeah, thinking about it, she could put up with having to deal with the stoned bastard if it meant getting paid disgusting amounts of money in the process. Neo just assumed it had something to do with the fact that she dressed like her favorite sweet treat and namesake.

[How high... are you right now?] Neo 'said' to Roman. Neo, of course, couldn't speak, and how Roman could understand her was beyond her. If she had to theorize on it, she'd believe that Roman was so absolutely blazed that he somehow didn't know that he _couldn't_ understand her. Or he had simply reached a level of absolute stoned-ness that let him _see_ thoughts.

Roman let out a stupid laugh and grinned, still lazily twirling his bowler hat around. "Like… more than five..."

[… right. Why did I ever think you'd answer that normally?] Neo sighed and rubbed her temples. [You've left chip baggies all over the damn safe house. By the way, I finished the damn heist on the Dust shop in South Vale. I'm guessing you got super high and forgot to steal from Dust Til Dawn two weeks ago.] Neo glowered, crossing her arms. [Cinder's gonna be pissed at you for this.]

"H-... hey now... like, it totally wasn't my fault... Little Red Riding Hood was like... totally harshing my mellow, you know?" Roman managed to 'explain', as he took another long drag of his blunt.

[… Little Red Riding Hood? How high _were_ you _then_?] Neo adopted an incredulous expression. [And I still have no fucking clue how the hell you can understand me. I'm not even saying anything! Are you a mind reader, because you _have_ to tell me if you are.]

"Nah... I'm like... totally reading the subtitles."

[… right. Never going to get a straight answer out of you. Why do I keep forgetting that?] Neo sighed and leaned against the wall. [So... a fairy tale character stopped your last heist?]

"Yeah... she, like... had a big scythe... I thought she was, like... little girl Death or something... totally harshed my buzz, you know?"

[Right. High translation: "I ran afoul of a hunter, she totally kicked my ass."] Neo sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose. [Oh, you might want to hide... everything.]

"Huh?"

[Emerald is coming over.] Neo 'murmured.'

"... oh maaaaaan… but she always... like... takes my weed... and my hat... and my cane... and the chips..."

[She's a fucking kleptomaniac! She takes _everything_!] Roman's eyes widened when she 'said' this and Neo groaned. [You can _not_ tell me that you haven't noticed! I don't care how much pot you've smoked!]

"Wha…? No, not that..."

[Then why do you look so surprised?] Neo raised an eyebrow.

"I'm just, like... wondering how the hell you managed to talk in italics..." Roman slowly muttered, his eyes still wide as dinner plates.

Neo stared down at him, her cute face impassive for a few moments. Slowly she raised another one of her lovely legs and slammed her stiletto heel back down against Roman's side. This time she got a reaction. Sadly, it wasn't what she was hoping.

"Like... ow..." Roman muttered.

 **[Beacon Academy – Professor Port's Class]**

Ruby was _so_ bored. Beyond bored. She had reached a new level of boredom that she never thought previously possible. She was so bored that even sleep was past her! The only thing that could keep her sanity intact was doodling in her notebook while the teacher talked. And talked. And talked. And _talked._ Okay, so maybe not as much as Ozpin talked, but at least she thought Ozpin was interesting in that mysterious mentor sort of way. Professor Port though? There was a reason she was currently drawing a very unflattering drawing of the portly professor with the title of Professor Poop. She giggled to herself as she drew a mustache the size of the man himself on the drawing.

She looked up and noticed that she wasn't the only one who looked bored. Blake looked like she kept nodding off (Ruby wondered where her hands were), Yang was actually asleep, drooling slightly, Nora was busy whispering incessantly to Ren, who himself was trying to take notes ( _trying_ being the key word), Pyrrha was staring at Jaune and fluttering her eyelashes at him, Weiss was actually listening (although she looked like she would have rather been anywhere else) and Jaune? Ruby blinked in confusion, her head tilting as she stared incredulously at him.

Was he... _enjoying_ this?!

The young blond was leaning forward, his face eager with rapt attention to the Professor's latest tale about how he'd managed to kill a Goliath with a toothpick. One hand was busy taking notes almost religiously, his other hand on his scroll taking a recording of the Professor's speech. _How?! How can he enjoy this?!_

"... and of course, the Goliath stomped towards me, its Brobdingnagian feet causing the ground to quake with each step, knocking down all of the lesser Hunters at my side, but **I** stood fast, axe at the ready! However, the beast gave a loud howl, and the sheer force of it tossed aside not only my companions, but my weapon as well! The only thing I had left was a small toothpick from when I'd eaten breakfast at Danny's that morning, so I prepared the toothpick between my thumb and forefinger, ready to give the beast a good poking!"

Ruby noticed Blake give Jaune a strange look at that last sentence, but she couldn't figure out why.

Ruby...

"Yes, Crescent?" Ruby whispered to her weapon, sitting next to her at her desk, on her own seat of course.

You should present that picture on Port's desk when class is finished, then use your Semblance to escape before he sees you.

"Crescent! That's mean! I can't do that! Even if he _is_ a super boring, fatty fat Professor..." Ruby whispered to her weapon, silver eyes flickering back and forth between her weapon and the Professor who was still blissfully unaware of Ruby's activities, or the activities of any of his students for that matter. He was still far too absorbed in his own story to notice how the class was mostly not paying attention in any way.

"... of course, I'd been preparing for this day for years, and when the Goliath advanced upon my position, I was ready! With toothpick in hand, I charged, managing to use the force of the creature's own thunderous footfalls in order to leap up into the air and dive down with the toothpick held fast! I channeled my Aura through it and with a cry that split the heavens I slammed the toothpick into the creature's skull! With a bellow, the creature slumped forward, its horrible blood red eyes going dim as the life was driven from it and, at last, I stood triumphant atop the creature's head!" Port's voice became more and more bombastic as his speech continued on until at last he was standing with one leg up on his desk chair, one arm akimbo, the other arm raised into the air in triumph.

Seriously, Ruby, this guy is so boring! No, wait! Put some glue in his chair! Ooh! And you should totally steal Blake's vibrator when she isn't using it- never mind. I don't think you'll ever get that chance.

"First of all, no glue! Remember back in Signal when we did that to Uncle Qrow? And you still haven't told me what a vibrator is!"

Oh, you see, a vibrator is-

"... and who here thinks they have what it takes to be a Hunter!" Port's voice boomed out, drowning out Crescent Rose's 'voice.'

The moment the last syllable of the last word exited the professor's mouth Weiss' hand shot up into the air. "Me! I have what it takes to be a Hunter, sir!"

Ruby groaned. It was no surprise that _she'd_ be the one to try to jump to the center of attention. It was bad enough that the heiress was already throwing the world's biggest and longest hissy fit because she never got to be leader, but now she had to steal the _glory_ from everyone else too? Ruby hated that Weiss kept blaming her, like she'd bribed Ozpin or something. It wasn't fair. She was just trying to be a good partner, and all Weiss ever wanted to was yell at her and act like a big fat... butt head. _Yeah, a butt head! A giant fat butt, like Professor Poop!_

"Very good Ms. Schnee! Let's see if you really do have what it takes! We have here a Boarbatusk, ready and eager for combat! Why don't you show everyone here what exactly a Hunter is made of!" Port announced, walking jovially over to a cage in the corner of the room (Jaune wondering why and how he hadn't seen it earlier), putting a hand on the top of it where the opening pin holding the cage door shut was located. A pair of glowing red eyes opened up and a deep squeal could be heard from coming within the cage.

Weiss got up and strolled down to the center of the classroom, smiling as though she was at a concert. She gazed out onto the crowed, all of whom looked relieved. To her, it was as if the students were eager to see her prove herself. Little did the wannabe dominatrix know that the students were all simply happy to have Professor Port actually stop talking about himself. Her icy gaze wandered over the students until she reached Jaune, and her face twisted into an ugly frown. Jaune had gone from being wide awake and enjoying the lecture, to fast asleep the moment she'd gotten up!

" **AHEM**!" Weiss cleared her throat as loudly as she could. How dare her chosen slave fall asleep when he should be witnessing her greatness!

However, Jaune still appeared to be fast asleep, his head resting on his arms. Weiss also noticed, with no small displeasure, that Pyrrha had somehow gotten from her seat on the other side of the room to the seat next to him, currently running her hands up and down his back with a very satisfied smile on her face.

Weiss began to open her mouth to start unleashing a horrific tirade against Jaune, ready to tear him a new one verbally at his complete disrespect. However, whatever insults she had on her tongue died there when before they could be spat out as _something_ slammed into her back, tossing her aside like a mini-truck made of pain, spikes and pig. That something, of course, being the Boarbatusk that Port had released while Weiss was distracted. She flew forward hitting the ground with a thud and groaning in pain, turning around with a glare that would have shaken any lesser man. Sadly for her, the Boarbatusk was not a man, but in fact, a Grimm.

"Always watch your back, young Weiss! An attack can come from anywhere at any time! Staring at young Mr. Arc can always come later!" Port boomed out, laughing merrily.

Weiss glared, her cheeks going red with embarrassment as she readied Myrtenaster, facing down the Boarbatusk. The creature let out a loud squeal and charged once again, ready to show the annoying white human why she should be paying attention to it.

As the creature rushed forward, Weiss prepared a black glyph and rushed forward with an air shattering thrust. Blade and Grimm mask collided... only for the blade of Myrtenaster to slide up the creature's mask, leaving its momentum unaffected, the creature slamming into Weiss once again and tossing her aside. She hit the floor with a **thud** , pain lacing throughout her body.

Groaning Weiss got up again, the entire classroom tilting dangerously in her vision, her figure wobbling unsteadily. The creature turned around and released a squealing snort that everyone (everyone who was awake, that is) swore sounded like laughter.

The heiress let a growl that could have had its home in the throat of any Grimm and whipped her dust rapier in a circle, creating another glyph and launching a series of razor sharp icicles at the Boarbatusk. This time, the attack actually did something, slamming into the creature and slicing through its side, wounding it. This only served to anger the Grimm, however, and the creature squealed with an earsplitting force, managing to actually awaken Jaune who looked around, shocking Pyrrha who tried to look like her hands hadn't been rubbing further down to his rear.

"Huh? Wha…?" Jaune blearily asked, trying to figure out what the hell had sounded like nails against a chalkboard.

With dexterity and grace, Weiss managed to avoid the Boarbatusk's third charge and slammed her rapier down into the ground, another black glyph appearing underneath the Grimm and launching it into the air. Weiss smiled and switched dust once more, summoning a blue glyph where the creature was about to land, and with a sickening squelch, the Boarbatusk landed onto the razor sharp ice spire she'd created, impaling itself. Turning to the students, Weiss gave a bow and smiled, waving to everyone. Once again, however, she found herself frowning deeply when she noticed Jaune had gone right back to sleep!

"Haha!" Professor Port laughed merrily. "Wonderful work! The beginning could have used some more work, but you managed to pull through! Now that is what a Huntress looks like! I believe you'll go far!"

"Hmph! Of course! As to be expected from a Schnee! After all, I am-" Weiss haughtily began, until a sound interrupted her.

The sound of Jaune beginning to loudly snore.

Wiess' scream of fury could he heard as far as Vale, causing a certain ice-cream themed girl to freeze in her beatdown of her impossibly blazed partner and cock her head. [What the fuck was that?!]

 **[Beacon Academy – Cafeteria]**

"This is your fault, Arc!"

Jaune turned to the speaker, groaning when he saw Weiss glaring at him with all the fury she could muster. Or at least all the fury she could muster sweating with dirt staining her hair and clothes.

"I refuse to take responsibility for your anger issues." The blond male muttered, rolling his eyes. "You were the one who wrecked Port's classroom, not me."

"IF YOU HADN'T DODGED," Weiss screamed, stomping her foot, "THE ROOM WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN WRECKED!" The entire cafeteria went silent and slowly stared at Weiss who had the decency to look both furious and totally embarrassed.

"... oh my god, you're serious." Jaune deadpanned, smacking his forehead.

"Now, now, Weiss." Pyrrha began. "There's no need to attack Jaune. Perhaps some therapy would help with your... erm..." She stopped herself. _I should tiptoe around his issue with all the subtlety and tact that a Goddess like myself is capable of. She is a prideful worshiper, and it would be amiss of me to be unmerciful to chastise her so._ "Ahem, anger issues." _Perfect._

"..." Weiss turned slowly to Pyrrha, her eye twitching, jaw dropped.

Pyrrha smiled her usual calm, unperturbed smile. _Yes, absolutely flawless._

Jaune stared at his partner, his own blue eyes wide. "That was... blunt. I thought that was my job? You know, good cop... er... sarcastic asshole cop?"

"Look," Blake began, accompanied by her usual low buzzing that seemed to follow her permanently, "You're the one who attacked Jaune. It's not his fault that you ended up destroying half of Port's classroom. Did you really expect him to not dodge?"

Weiss pulled at her hair in frustration. "But... but... HE WAS ASLEEP!"

"I think that's my problem if I miss part of the class." Jaune muttered, munching on his lasagna. "Oum in heaven, this lasagna is crap..." the last sentence was murmured under his breath as he poked the pasta with his fork, paying more attention to it than to Weiss.

"THE PART WHERE I'M FIGHTING?!" Weiss screeched.

Jaune shrugged nonchalantly, his gaze still down at his pasta. "Seriously, I could cook a better lasagna in my sleep than this. The ingredients probably aren't even fresh... is this thing frozen?"

That was the last straw for Weiss. Jaune having ignored her during her spectacular (the delusions are spreading!) fight against the Boarbatusk, dodging her punishment for him, and now paying more attention to his pasta than her righteous anger? The heiress couldn't take it any longer. She simply did what she could, and began to froth at the mouth in sheer impotent fury and fall over, twitching. Jaune slowly looked down at her and blinked.

"Huh. Broke her again. Is it bad I'm finding this entertaining?"

Before anyone could answer, a humming reached their ears as Yang approached the table, pausing to look down at Weiss. "Aw, it looks like someone spilled their... _Weiss-cream!_ " She looked around, expecting laughter. "Eh? Eh? Get it? Weiss-cream?"

She was met with a series of groans of pain and dark mutters.

"Damn it Yang, I'm trying to eat here!" Jaune groaned. Even worse, he recognized the song she was humming. _Dear lord, I'm trying to forget this morning, stop humming the theme song to Sailor Luna!_

"Aw, c'mon, Vomit Boy! You know it's funny! You don't have to deny it." Yang winked at Jaune, sitting down across her sister and next to her partner. It wasn't soon until her face twisted into a scowl. "Okay, seriously, the vibe _again_? It's lunch! For Oum's sake!" Yang growled and smacked her face with her hand.

Jaune blinked. "Wait, _that's_ what that buzzing is?!" He looked around, frowning, before turning slowly to Pyrrha. He stared at her for a few moments, trying to ascertain if his partner was perverted enough to try and satisfy herself during lunch, but shook his head. _No, she's coo-coo, not a pervert. At least not an intentional one... I think._ He looked around the table, then down to the frothing, twitching Weiss and shrugged. "Maybe someone has one that's seriously super loud and they're somewhere else in the cafeteria? I don't think anyone here is that... er... dirty..." Jaune trailed off. _Can't possibly be Blake, right? Nah, she seems way too calm and collected for that to be the case._

Yang groaned. "You're probably right. Still, they seem to be following us around as of late, right Blake?"

Blake's bow twitched like mad. "R-right..." her gold eyes looked to the side, avoiding Yang's gaze. She knew that her partner wasn't ready to know of her hobbies... _yet._

"So," Yang started up, trying to distract herself from the infernal buzzing, "What classes do you guys all have next?"

"Renny and I have Explosives! I love explosives! Explosions are fun! I like I when things go boom! My weapon uses explosives. I should make super big explosives! They should be pink too. Did I mention I like pink? My explosions should also leave behind fire. Pink fire! How do you make fire pink? Do you know Renny? I think pink fire would be super cute! I like cute things..." Nora rambled on as per usual, everyone already learning how to simply tune her out and continue the conversation.

"I believe I have Combat Class." Pyrrha replied. "You as well, Jaune?"

Jaune shook his head, his face twisting in confusion. "Yeah, for some reason I don't have that."

"Er, what." Yang flatly asked. "Everyone has that. It's a requisite class."

Jaune held up his scroll with a grimace. On it, a message from Ozpin:

 _Dear Jaune_

 _You are now hereby exempt from Combat Class. We'd like our hunters to survive Combat Class, and we fear your..._ _ **advanced training**_ _might be detrimental to that cause. Also, Headmistress Goodwitch has banned you from her class stating something about you being a, and I quote, "Soul sucking abomination against nature against whom all laws of society and all things good and holy shrivel." I personally think she's being a bit over dramatic, but she also threw a fit when I increased the school's coffee budget, so her opinion is a little off to begin with. Enjoy having some extra free time!_

 _Ozpin._

 _P.S. Please stop trolling the students. That's my job._

 _P.P.S. Yes, I have noticed you breaking Ms. Schnee. No, technically it's not against the rules. Yes, I'll still complain about it._

 _P.P.P.S. Yes, I am watching. ALWAYS._

 _P.P.P.P.S. No, not then. That's disgusting._

 _P.P.P.P.P.S. Or then. Seriously, that's just wrong._

Yang blinked. "R-... right. So...you've got a free period." She blinked and shook her head. Asking questions by this point just seemed like a bad idea.

"Wow! Jaune is a prodigy like me!" Ruby shouted excitedly.

"If this was a cooking school, maybe, but no one is-" Jaune began

"Ow!" A voice shouted out in other side of the cafeteria. "P-p-please st-stop pulling my ears!" A young woman cried out.

Jaune's eyes flickered over, noticing a young bunny eared Faunus woman surrounded by four other Hunters-in-training, all laughing at her as the biggest one, Cardin was his name if Jaune remembered correctly, yanked hard on her ears. "Ha! Take that you adorably cute freak! I-it's not like I l-like you or anything you... you... weird... fluffy girl! Baka!"

"Ugh." Blake's voice cut in nearby. "I can't believe they're picking on her like that. It's terrible how Faunus are treated in today's society. If it wasn't for people like Cardin, the White Fang would have no reason to exist..." Blake bitterly replied. _I'm not bitter that they kicked me out... I'm not bitter that they canceled my massive orgy... stupid Adam... stupid unnamed Lieutenant…_

 **[Unknown – White Fang Base]**

"At-choo!" A young, male cat faunus sneezed hard, his striped hair bouncing as his head snapped back. "Ow... why do I feel scared? And slightly aroused?" He looked around at his brethren, all of them looking at him confusedly. "What? Get back to work! Adam will yell at us all if we stand around here doing nothing..." the unnamed feline Faunus muttered, looking terrified. Everyone agreed, quickly getting back to work.

 **[Beacon – Cafeteria]**

"Well," Blake continued, taking a bite of her salmon, "At least I know you'd never do anything like that, Jaune." Silence answered her. "Jaune?"

 _ **WHAM!**_

Blake turned around to see Cardin's body rocket from his position straight upwards into the ceiling, courtesy of an uppercut from Jaune, his blue eyes glowing and a psychotic grin 'marring' his face.

"So! Team CRDL, was it? So sorry about your buddy there, but I'm afraid I just don't know my own strength! Hey, you guys look like the friendly sort! How about we all go out for a spar! Don't worry, _I'll go easy on you._ " Jaune let out an evil little chuckle.

The remaining three members of team CRDL looked upwards, where their leader's head was embedded into the ceiling, then down at Jaune again, collectively gulped, and with speed that made Ruby's Semblance look like a snail taking its time, all vanished; only a slight popping sound of air rushing into the space that they vacated and the faint scent of urine being the only signs that they were ever there in the first place.

With a sigh, Jaune's face quickly adopted a soft smile and he turned to the bunny Faunus. "Hey there, sorry to step in like that. I'm sure you could have handled it, but I can't stand to see someone get bullied like that, Faunus or otherwise."

The bunny Faunus looked up into his eyes, her own chocolate orbs widening. "N-no! You... you protected me... thank you..." she looked as if she were about to break into tears at any moment. "What's... what's your name?"

Jaune's smile grew warmer. _Poor girl. Innocent victim of those bastard's bullying! Who'd ever pick on someone who looks so sweet and innocent?!_ "Jaune. Jaune Arc. I'm happy to have helped."

"I-I'm... Velvet Scarletina..." the bunny Faunus murmured, cheeks pink.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Velvet. If those bastards ever bother you again, just let me know, and I'll help sort them out." Jaune gave the girl another soft smile and turned on his heel, waving lazily goodbye.

Everyone back at Team RWBY/JNPR's table (sans Weiss, who was still looking like she really needed to go visit Beacon's psychiatrist) was staring at the exchange with dropped jaws. Blake had already dropped her hand under the table, and suddenly the ever present buzzing increased tenfold, the catgirl's cheeks going bright red and her mouth open and panting.

Yang groaned and dropped her head onto the table with a sigh as Jaune approached. "It's back. It'll never leave..." The blond faux sobbed.

As Ruby and Nora continued to innocently chow down, Ren ignored the entire table hoping for inner peace, Weiss continued to twitch angrily, Pyrrha stared adoringly at Jaune, and Yang continued to groan in irritation. No one noticed sweet, innocent little Velvet on the other side of the room, her watery eyes suddenly adopted a disturbing expression, terrifying anyone sitting within twenty feet of her, and her lips upturned into the cheeriest and most horrifying smile ever given on Remnant.

 _Jaune... I... love you... I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you..._

 _ **Author's Note: GAH! YANDERE VELVET! AAAAAAHHHH! Oh, right, and an extra large update for all you lovely folks! I can't believe just how much Immortal keeps gaining followers! Glad you all love my insanity, and expect much, MUCH more as this fanfiction continues!**_

 _ **And remember to leave a review!**_

 _ **(This chapter beta read by the great Maxaro!)**_


	11. Have A Day (Evening)

_I do not own RWBY. Like a bad rash that you can never quite seem to get rid of, it's:_

 **Immortal**

* * *

 **Chapter 11: Have A Day (Evening)**

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy – Team JNPR Dorm Room]**

"What the hell am I looking at?"

Jaune looked down at the piece of stationary in his hands, his face twisted in a mixture of confusion and terror. Ren looked over his shoulder and he frowned deeply. "Well, I'll tell you what you're not looking at: Something sane."

The object, or objects, in question were a couple sheets of flower printed sheets of stationary filled with writing. Jaune had found the sheet placed atop his pillow in their dorm room when he had gotten back from Ooblecks' class (which Jaune left early when Oobleck fell asleep) and wondered if perhaps Pyrrha had left him a note. However, if she had, he was now terrified shitless of his partner. The first letter wasn't that bad. In fact, he'd downright call it romantic at first. It talked about how the writer found Jaune to be brave, kind and handsome, and how they fell in love with him at first sight. Jaune wasn't really the type to believe in such things (life had beaten such concepts out of him by this point) but he still appreciated the feelings as they were. The person had even ended the letter with the words, 'I love you.' Jaune couldn't help but feel a little warm and fuzzy after reading that.

Then he got to the second page.

It was nothing but line after line of the same three words repeated ad nauseum. 'I love you'. Over and over and over and over and over again. Even worse, while the first few lines were neatly written, if repetitive, the next few began to grow sloppier and more twisted until Jaune could barely read the ink (he prayed it was just ink) from how scrawled it was. A small part of Jaune laughed at how cliché the whole 'crazy stalker', angle was from this whole thing, but it was overshadowed by the much larger part of him that was silently screaming at Ozpin for allowing such people to join Beacon in the first place. 'Crazy Stalker' was bad enough, but 'Crazy Stalker-who-is-also-a-Huntress' was even worse!

"I... I just..." Jaune sighed, his hand going limp. "What on Remnant even is my life?"

Ren gently put a hand on his shoulder, nodding sagely. "There have been moments even in my own that I've asked that question." His stoic demeanor dropped for a few brief moments however, face twisting in confusion. "Though never to this extent."

"I'm cursed, I tell you." With that, Jaune put the papers together and began to tear them up, ripping them into tiny little shreds and dumping them into his garbage can- "Wait. Who emptied my garbage?"

Ren tilted his head as he pondered the question. "As far as I know, none of us could. I mean, you and I left early from Oobleck's class, Nora was busy testing out her new 'pink fire' grenades at the Training Grounds, and Pyrrha's been busy with her classes. Does Beacon have cleaning crews?"

Jaune grimaced. "I don't think so. It may very well be the same psycho lunatic that put the letter in here. How'd they get in anyway? I locked the door before I left this morning."

"So... they took your trash? Ew."

Jaune shrugged. "I'd be more disgusted if I had anything that important in there. All they're getting is a few old receipts, a print-out of the local restaurants in the area and an especially old bottle of cinnamon."

"Wait, cinnamon?"

Putting his hand in his pocket, Jaune nodded. "Yep. Carry some around with me wherever I go."

"Um... why?"

Jaune gave another shrug. "Why not? There's plenty of chances to use cinnamon. On toast, on bagels, in ice cream, on select flavors of pizza…"

"So are you some sort of cook too?" Ren queried. The stoic gunslinger made his way to his bed, digging around underneath it for something.

"The term is _chef_." Jaune insisted.

Ren turned back and cocked an eyebrow, but decided against pushing the issue further. His hands gripped something and he pulled out a long black case. The gunslinger set it atop his bed, then brought out his scroll, opening it up to check the time. "Hm. Almost."

With a snicker, Jaune murmured, "What are you, a professional hitman or something? That case looks like a sniper rifle case." This wasn't too far off, the case was quite long and made of a hard resin material that Jaune had seen used for weapon storage plenty of times.

Ren chuckled softly. "Well, it is a weapon, but no, professional hitman isn't in my list of talents."

"Oh? What kind of weapon?"

Before Ren could answer, the door to their dorm burst open and in stepped Nora, who practically blurred into the room and tackled Ren. "Renny! Can you make me pancakes! Please? I love your pancakes, they're the best! I like them with syrup, and whipped cream, and chocolate chips! Can you make me ten? No, twenty! NO! FIFTY!" Nora shouted eagerly, practically knocking Ren to the floor.

"Nora," came Ren's slightly muffled response, "I got out the cooking utensils for a reason."

Nora bounced to her feet, grinning. "Yay! These are gonna be the best pancakes ever! They're gonna be super delicious and there's gonna be lots of them!" She helped her friend to his feet, and the boy dusted himself off before turning around and picking up the case.

Jaune's eyes widened slightly. "Wait, cooking utensils?"

Ren smirked. "Yep."

Jaune went silent for a few moments before he ducked back under his own bed, digging around for something as well, pulling out a red resin case just like Ren's own. "Well. It appears we may have something in common." The blond smiled at his teammate.

"Ooh, Jaune can cook too? Can you make pancakes?" Nora asked excitedly. "Well, even if you could, Renny's pancakes are the best on Remnant!"

Jaune stared deadpan at Nora, crossing his arms with a frown. "Can I cook pancakes? Did you seriously _just_ ask if _I_ can cook pancakes? One of the easiest recipes on Remnant, and you asked _me_ if _I_ could cook them?" His tone was an insulted one and he re-crossed his arms just to make a point, a small tic vein pulsing on his forehead. "As Remnant's next greatest chef, I am offended!"

Ren cocked an eyebrow. "That... that's awfully egotistical to declare yourself as such."

"It's not egotistical if it's true." Jaune shrugged. "There hasn't been a recipe I haven't been able to master as of yet."

"I'm sure you're an incredible coo-er, _chef,_ " Ren began, "However, I'm afraid there's one recipe you can't master."

Silence fell over the dorm room. Jaune stared at Ren, his face impassive. Even Nora could feel the sudden tension grow over the room like a taut wire, waiting for the right moment to snap. No one moved or spoke as the seconds ticked on and on with such apparent slowness that Nora felt as though each second lasted a small eternity. Eventually the tension grew to a point to where when the door to their dorm opened up and in stepped the fourth member of Team JNPR, Nora leaped back with a squeak of panic.

"Is... everything okay?" Pyrrha asked curiously, looking between Jaune and Ren who were staring at each other, arms crossed and eyes narrowing.

"Is that... a challenge?" Jaune murmured, his voice low and dangerous.

Ren's eyes narrowed further. "Sorry, but I've been cooking pancakes for Nora so long that I've mastered them. I could create them in my sleep."

"Renny's right! He can make them in his sleep. I remember when he made me pancakes while taking a nap." Nora added.

Jaune went silent once more. Then, after a few moments, the young man suddenly turned on his heel to his bed and grabbed his red case. "Lie Ren! I hereby challenge you to a cook-off! I will prove my title as the best chef in all of Remnant!" Jaune proclaimed, pointing at Ren.

Nora gasped and Pyrrha blinked in shock. Ren stared at him, his lips upturning into a smile. "I accept. Nora will be our judge."

Jaune frowned. "Three judges."

"Sorry?"

"Nora and you already know each other. She's biased. I want a fair trial." Jaune explained.

Ren fell silent, stroking his chin. "Hm... perhaps Team RWBY can be the judges?"

"Sure." Jaune nodded after a few moments. "We can get Ruby, Blake and... Weiss? Yang doesn't seem the type to have a refined palate."

Ren began to speak up, but Nora suddenly cut in, jumping in between them. " **NO! YOU WILL NOT TAKE MY PANCAKES FROM ME!** "

Jaune's eyes widened and he squeaked in terror as he saw Nora's eyes suddenly turn blood red and her voice began to reverberate. He recoiled to the ground and held out a hand in a panic. "N-NORA, BLAKE, AND WEISS! THEY CAN BE THE JUDGES! I DON'T WANNA DIE AGAIN!"

Nora's face changed back as quickly as it had become terrifying and she smiled from ear to ear. "Yay! Pancakes! This is gonna be the best day ever!"

Jaune clutched his chest, panting hard. "I just saw my life flash before my eyes..." Pyrrha leaned over to help him up (and give him a very nice view of her cleavage), grabbing his hand to help him to his feet. He turned to her with a wry smile and finished, "The actor in it wasn't very convincing."

"Comeoncomeoncomeon! Let's go!" Nora shouted, grabbing Jaune and Ren before suddenly rushing out of the room in a blur of orange, pink and white, two trails of green and black following her, leaving Pyrrha shaking her head in confusion, slowly following along.

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy – Kitchen]**

* * *

"So how'd you get Goodwitch to let us use the kitchen for this?" Ren queried, tying the back of his pink apron.

Jaune shrugged. "I'm really convincing when I want to be?"

* * *

 _Glynda recoiled in fear, eyes wide in terror. In one hand, a wooden cross was held out in front of her, shaking with her terror. "Begone foul being! A-a-away with you!"_

 _Jaune groaned. "Look, I'm just asking to use the kitchen to make pancakes."_

 _"PANCAKES OF EVIL!" The normally unflappable Headmistress shouted, waving the cross at Jaune._

 _The blond male smacked his face with his hand and groaned. "First of all, I told you already, I'm NOT undead. Secondly, we'll clean up after ourselves. This is important, Ms. Goodwitch."_

 _Glynda shook her head vehemently. "N-never! You will not take over the school with your evil breakfast!"_

 _There was silence as Jaune stared at the terrified professor with a deadpan expression before finally responding with, "If you don't let Ren and I use the kitchen for this cook-off, I'm not leaving. Who knows, I might end up getting hungry and want a snack..." He stared pointedly at her, trying to inference a threat on... her soul, he guessed?_

 _Jaune watched as Glynda's face drained of color and her body began to shake even more. He felt bad for her, and started to speak, but Glynda spoke up in a rushed, panicked tone of voice. "F-fine! You can use the kitchen! Have mercy on me, oh evil one!"_

 _Sighing Jaune shook his head and turned on his heel to walk out the door. He looked down and frowned. "Pardon me, Ms. Goodwitch, you have salt on the floor. Do you know that?"_

 _Glynda sobbed in a comedic manner, realizing that her 'purification barrier' did nothing to stop the evil blond from intruding upon her office. His evil had simply been too strong…_

* * *

"Yep. Convincing." Jaune muttered, adjusting his chef's hat. "Regardless, the kitchen and ingredients in here are ours to use as we see fit. Although..." Jaune removed a small, very fine straining spoon from his red case and ran it through an open container of flour before him. "The ingredients are far from top notch."

"Trying to find an excuse in case you lose?" Ren asked, smirking.

Jaune harrumphed. "The best chefs can use just about anything to create delicious meals. Sub-par ingredients or no, I _will_ win this competition."

"We'll see." Ren mused, still smirking.

There was a sound of cracking as though someone were popping their knuckles and Ren turned his head slightly to see Jaune stretching and popping his joints. The blond turned around and fixated his teammate with a brilliant grin. "Oh, that we certainly will..."

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy – Cafeteria]**

* * *

"Where are the pancakes?!" Nora cried out, banging her fists on the table before her. Sitting to either side of her was Blake (along with the incessant buzzing) and Weiss, who was looking quite irritable. She had evidently gotten over her breakdown during lunch, and was somehow convinced by Nora to join in the pancake cook off as a judge. Well... not really _convinced_ , it was more like Nora repeatedly asking her until she finally became so annoyed that the heiress caved in. She would eat just a bite of each and decide from there; she had her figure to watch after all. Blake didn't seem too interested, or at least she wasn't until Nora had mentioned offhandedly that Jaune was the other contestant, then suddenly she seemed a bit eager to join.

The rest of Team RWBY had decided to join in as well, and they, with Pyrrha, were also sitting at the table, chatting amongst themselves.

"So," Yang began, tapping her chin in thought, "Vomit Boy has dreams of becoming 'Remnant's Greatest Chef?'"

Pyrrha nodded. "That's apparently what he said. I'm surprised. Someone as strong as he is, and yet he prefers to create dishes?" _Perhaps he's not a war god after all... wait, is he a god of family? Perhaps his defeat of the Grimm wasn't to simply wage war, but to protect us!_ Pyrrha's gaze became unfocused as her mind went off into another fantasy involving a picturesque scenario in which she and Jaune were married with two beautiful blond-haired, green eyed children; Jaune acting every part the devoted and loving father.

The wannabe Goddess sighed dreamily as her mind completely left the area. Yang noticed this and cocked an eyebrow in confusion, but didn't bother to say anything.

Instead, the buxom blond turned to her adorable sister. "So are going to have any of the pancakes?"

Ruby nodded. "Yep! They're not as good as cookies, but pancakes are still yummy!"

"Pancakes are the best!" Nora exclaimed, jumping onto the table.

"H-hey!" Weiss shouted, glaring up at Nora. "Get down from there!"

Nora wasn't listening though, striking a dramatic pose. "Pancakes are the food from the gods! Once you try Renny's pancakes you'll never want to eat anything else ever again!"

"That good, huh?" Yang queried.

"Yep!"

Weiss sighed. "Not that I want to defend that blond dunce or anything, but shouldn't you wait until you've tried both pancakes?"

Nora huffed, crossing her arms and rolling her eyes. "Please. Jaune's pancakes might be good, but Renny's are the best, hands down." The orange haired girl jumped down

"And in the event that Jaune's somehow are better?" Blake added in.

Nora puffed out her cheeks. "Please, that won't be possible."

"You realize you're being extremely biased, right?" Yang added, raising an eyebrow.

Nora started to speak to make her point, but was interrupted by the scent of something heavenly wafting in through the kitchen door. Everyone stopped, sniffing the air, and Nora started drooling. It was like Ren had cooked double the pancakes.

The door opened up and in stepped both Ren and Jaune, each dressed in a chef's outfit. Ren's was pink while Jaune's was a traditional white, and in their hands were two large platters topped with silver. The two approached the table, bowed low, and set the platters down with all the air of professionals.

With eager eyes and a drooling tongue, Nora watched as the two lifted the lids on the platters, revealing two large plates of steaming, golden, fluffy pancakes. The smell from both of them had everyone, Weiss included, salivating. Both sets of breakfast food looked incredible.

"So... tasty..." Nora whispered, looking as though she'd found El Dorado itself.

Still saying nary a word, both men proceeded to dole out the plates, procuring extra dishes from the platters. They served the pancakes to each of the other students waiting around, then bowed once more and stepped back, waiting for the three judges to eat first.

No one was surprised when Nora was the first to dig in. Her fork ripped off a large piece of one of the pancakes she'd been served and took a bite, chewing it for a while. Jaune and Ren exchanged glances, the room having gone silent as everyone waited for Nora to finish chewing and swallowing. She grinned widely. "Renny's pancakes are the best!"

Jaune growled, eye twitching in anger. "Excuse me, but you haven't even bothered to try mine out yet..."

Weiss took a small bite of her own pancake, chewing it thoroughly and savoring the taste. When she finally swallowed, she gently put down her fork and nodded. "Definitely palatable. Certainly enjoyable."

Blake followed suit, taking a bite of hers, savoring the taste for a while before swallowing and dabbing at her cheek with a napkin. "That's certainly good."

Ren turned to Jaune with a small, satisfied smirk. Jaune rolled his eyes and crossed his arms, harrumphing. Both boys turned to Nora as she turned to the plate with Jaune's pancakes, frowning. She poked at the pancake, almost pouting.

Weiss groaned. "Since Nora doesn't seem to want to participate in the job she herself asked for, I shall take the first bite of Jaune's offering." She took another small chunk of pancake, and slowly bit down on it. Once again, the room became silent as the people gathered watched for Weiss' reaction.

The heiress slowly chewed on the piece of pancakes for a few, heart pounding seconds before finally swallowing. She fell silent, then slowly placed her fork down on the table, her eyes closed. Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes, and everyone began to lean forward, the suspense driving them crazy.

" _Exquisite_!" Weiss breathed out, opening her eyes wide in shock as she stared at her plate. "I... I never thought it possible with such a simple dish, but the taste is absolutely incredible! Did... did you seriously make this, Jaune? Were the plates switched around or something?"

Her question was met with silence. She turned to Jaune, and almost immediately recoiled when she saw Jaune, arms crossed and brow twitching with silent rage, his body covered in a pitch black Aura. " **I'm**. C **ertain**."

"I-I-I w-was just m-making sure!" Weiss squeaked in terror, dropping her fork in surprise. Nora looked uneasy, looking at Weiss, then at the plate with Jaune's cooking on it, then to Blake, who looked ready to eat some herself.

The cat Faunus took a bite of hers, chewing slowly and swallowing. Her gold eyes slowly went wide and she murmured, "Is it possible for your mouth to have an orgasm? Because I think mine just had one..."

Ren's eyes widened and he looked back at Jaune, who was now smirking knowingly. The two looked down at Nora, who sighed and slumped.

"Alright," she groaned, "I'll try it out..." Nora cut off a piece of Jaune's offering, spearing it on her fork, and, with a wince, shoved the piece into her mouth in one glorious bite. She chewed... and chewed... and chewed... and chewed…

…

…

The girl finally swallowed.

There was a very long silence once more. No one dared made a sound, more tension in the room now than had ever been as they waited for Nora's judgment. Finally, Nora lowered her fork... and suddenly burst into tears. "I-IT'S SO GOOD!" She began to shove Jaune's pancakes into her mouth as a whole, tears falling down her face as she quickly devoured the breakfast food. "'M SRRY, RNY!" She sobbed around mouthfuls of pancake, her hands even reaching out to grab the pancakes off the plates of other students.

"H-hey!" Yang shouted, trying to stop Nora from grabbing the pancake off her plate. Nora's eyes suddenly turned blood red again and she gave a deep, reverberating growl, and Yang quickly flinched back, lilac eyes wide with surprise and fear. "Yeesh! Alright, alright! Jeeze, they can't be _that_ good..."

Her voice died out when she noticed that Weiss of all people was very quickly polishing off her plate with gusto, and Blake had already finished hers to prevent Nora from stealing it. Jaune smirked and turned to Ren. "Well. I think the people have spoken-" He froze. Ren was... smiling?

"Well, I guess since you are a better chef than I, I guess you'll have to be the one in charge of making pancakes for Nora while we're on this team." Ren explained calmly, though in his mind he was laughing manically.

Jaune opened his mouth, but no words came out, just a squeak. He held up a finger, his face contorting until he finally groaned. "Touche."

"Sorry, but it was a win-win situation. Either you ended up cooking for Nora or I got to show off my cooking skills to all the girls here. I think either way, I win." Ren explained, putting a hand on Jaune's shoulder.

"You... you got me." Jaune murmured back. "There's just one problem with this whole thing."

"What's that?" Ren asked curiously, head tilted. In the background they could hear the girls starting to yell and argue about something, Nora screaming about being 'Queen of the Castle,' and all that.

"Well... with the ingredients being what they were, I couldn't give my best effort." Jaune replied, sighing.

The commotion suddenly went dead silent.

"What." Nora slowly turned around, her eyes shining in a terrifying manner.

Jaune was slumped forward so he didn't notice his teammate's scary expression, nor the stunned faces of the others at the table. "Yeah, the ingredients weren't up to snuff. If I had some fresher milk, maybe some fresher eggs, some better butter, even some better flour, I could make something even greater than this. Hell, they didn't even have a decent spice rack!" A tiny thundercloud hung over Jaune's head as he sighed, hanging his head and putting his hand on the wall in an overly dramatic manner.

Nora was silent, then, "So what you're telling me is... you... can make **better** pancakes...?"

"With the right ingredients, yes."

Silence answered him. Jaune could hear clinking of silverware, and the sound of someone getting off a chair, and he turned to the table. Before he could say another word, a blur of pink, white and orange crashed into him, slamming him into the wall hard enough to leave spiderweb-like cracks. He opened his mouth to cry out in panic and anger, but _something_ pushed against his lips and occupied his mouth. His vision focused and his mind suddenly found out what had happened. Nora was pinning him to the wall, trying to give him a thorough dental exam with her tongue. Jaune tried to struggle, but Nora consumed by her pancake-lust, refused to budge. " _MMMMMPH!_ "

Behind her, Jaune could see everyone's reaction... which did _not_ in the _slightest_ help his current panicked mood. Blake's jaw was on the floor, eyes twitching. Weiss looked like she was about to slaughter him, Pyrrha had crushed the lid of the plate under her rage and fury, small metallic objects floating around her, Ruby was blushing furiously, Yang was smirking from ear to ear, and Ren…

Ren was actually on the floor, laughing so hard that he wasn't making any sounds, tears springing to his eyes, arms tightened around his midsection. Jaune wanted to start yelling at him, but his mouth was still being occupied by Nora's tongue. With a burst of his usual black Aura, Jaune managed to pull the girl off of him, panting hard.

Nora hung from Jaune's outstretched arm, her lips still pursed trying to kiss him for a moment before the crazed girl whipped around and struggled, dropping out of his hand before yanking him down by the collar and pushing his face into the side of her breast. With an Aura that _screamed_ possessiveness, she, along with the breast-pushed Jaune, turned to their impromptu audience.

" **THIS IS** _ **MINE**_ **!** " She screamed. " **HE AND HIS PANCAKE GOODNESS ARE ALL MINE!** "

Jaune started to open his mouth, when _something_ came flying and embedded itself in the wall inches from his head. The color drained from his face when his eyes slowly flicked towards it and noticed it was a massive butcher's knife. " _Help..._ " he whimpered.

Nora dropped him and pulled out Magnhild from... _somewhere,_ and got into a battling position. " **WHO THREW THAT?!** "

Suddenly, the room exploded into chaos. From nowhere, Jaune noticed Velvet crashing in through the window, looking... strangely scary. She threw a kick at Pyrrha, who countered by blocking with her shield... that she also pulled out from _somewhere._ Blake pulled out Gambol Shroud and fired a few shots at Nora, who turned Magnhild into its launcher form and fired a trio of grenades, to which Blake dodged... leaving Weiss to take the blast, her hair and dress becoming singed. Weiss screamed in rage and summoned a fire Glyph that launched at Nora, the attack barely missing her... and hitting Jaune.

The blond boy twitched in pain, the flames eating at him not burning nearly as hot as his rage at the moment, and his eyes narrowed. "Okay. That's it. I need a fucking drink."

* * *

 **[Vale – Junior's]**

* * *

Junior wasn't a stranger to having kids in his bar. Youngsters from Beacon often came by for drinks and dancing, and while he _technically_ wasn't allowed to serve them alcohol, their Lien was worth just as much as anyone else'. While most of the time this was a wise business idea, on some occasions he found that it had its drawbacks. Such as when that blond, big-boobed huntress wrecked his place because he didn't know about her mother or something. Or the time now, with the blond Hunter who'd been talking his ear off about... something. Junior had tuned him out about five minutes in. Maybe it was just blonds. He needed have to make a sign stating "No Blonds Allowed".

"And of course, I cook for them, and how do they repay me? By molesting me, then trying to kill me! That's not all though! My partner is a delusional woman who thinks that she's literally a divine entity, my other teammate is some pancake obsessed, over energized pile of explosives, and my third teammate is... alright. Then the other team has some crazy bitch with anger issues, a girl who can talk to weapons, a Magical-Girl wannabe and... Blake. Everyone else at the school also seems out of their minds, from the students to the teachers! Worst of all, I can't even leave! This suuuuuuucks! I'm... I'm... _I'm surrounded by idiots_!" Jaune groaned as he rubbed his temple with his right hand.

Trying to just forget about everything that had happened recently, he tilted his drink back and took a sip, groaning in frustration. He stopped when he felt something poke him in the side and he turned to see what, or who it was. He was met with nothing, which caused him to stop in confusion. Was Junior's haunted? There was a tug on his shirt and he looked down to see a young woman looking up at him with a sympathetic smile.

 _What is it with girls in Vale being so damn attractive?_ Jaune had to admit she was exceedingly cute; her entire ensemble resembled Neapolitan ice cream, from her braided hair of brown and pink, to her eyes which were pink and silver. Even her outfit, a very trendy outfit that looked gorgeous on her was in the same pink, brown and white colors. "Hey there." Jaune smiled at her.

"..." the young woman winked at him, waving hello.

"You're... not much of a talker, are you?" Jaune murmured, holding onto his glass. He turned to Junior. "Hey, a drink for the cutie here."

"Huh?" Junior looked down next to the blond who'd been rambling for the past hour, and froze in terror. It was Neopolitan, Roman's competent and (in his opinion) terrifying henchwoman. The bearded man began to lean in conspiratorially to warn the blond kid about Neo and how she was bad news, but he noticed the young woman affixing him with a hard stare, very subtly drawing a finger across her neck. He nodded slowly. "Y-y-yeah, g-gotcha."

"So," Jaune began while Junior began to mix Neo's usual drink, "You got a name?"

The girl grabbed a napkin and a pen from her purse and scrawled out one word. " _Neopolitan._ "

"Ne _o_ politan, huh?" Jaune chuckled. "How... fitting. So what brings a pretty thing like you to a joint like this?" The young woman gave him a wry smile and pointed at Jaune, then at herself. "Same reason?"

She nodded with a grin. Junior put her drink in front of her, withdrawing his hand quickly as though he were afraid she'd remove it if he kept it there for too long.

"Sorry to hear you're in my boat. How bad can it be though? I mean, I'm fairly certain that Beacon is built over some old Indian burial ground, or a natural gas main or something. Maybe both at the same time." Jaune grimaced.

Neo put her index and thumb together, bringing it to her lips and taking a breath, before adopting an addled and dumb expression before pointing at herself. Jaune thought for a moment. _Man, it's like the cutest game of charades ever._ "Your… partner is a stoner?"

Neo's eyes lit up, and she stood on her chair in an instant, leaning over to kiss Jaune softly on the cheek. The blond boy's face went red. Despite having been frenched like mad earlier that evening, that little kiss from the small woman felt... a lot nicer. The petite young woman sat back down, smoothing out her black jeans. She held up two fingers, then proceeded to grab Jaune's drink, then grabbed the napkin on the counter, then a bowl of peanuts, then grabbing Jaune by his collar, giving him a wink, and finally pointed at her own crotch.

"Let me see... second partner... a girl that steals things?"

"..." Neo nodded.

"She's… a kleptomaniac?"

"…!" Neo nodded again, grinning even wider.

Neo then held up two more fingers for four fingers, smacked her forehead, and then pointed to her wrist. Jaune tapped his fingers on the table, his face contorting in thought. "You've got two more partners... total of four... they're insane too... but describing it would take too long?"

Neo practically jumped onto him, throwing her arms around him. Jaune laughed, putting one arm around her waist. The petite girl settled into his lap, taking a sip of her drink with one hand as she held onto him with the other. "Gotta admit," Jaune began, "It's nice to meet someone else whose life is insane. Though, it couldn't happen to a cuter girl." Jaune flirted, grinning. He knew it was a dumb and cheesy line, but right now he just wanted to enjoy himself Monty-dammit!

The petite young woman on his lap brushed a hand against his cheek, winking. Jaune blushed a bit, but was unable to keep the grin off his face. Neo walked a couple fingers up his chest before pointing with her thumb out the door.

"So you... you want to leave? With me?"

Neo gave a thumbs up. "..."

Jaune blinked and shrugged. "You know what, it's better than having to go back to Beacon so soon. Sure. I'll walk with you."

Neo woman grinned and hopped off his lap stretching languidly in place and getting Jaune to stare curiously. He didn't mind that she was a head and a half shorter than him, she was still incredibly attractive. The woman looked up to see Jaune staring, his head quickly turning to look away, cheeks going a brighter red at having been caught.

"So..." Jaune trailed off. "Where did you want to go?"

Neo pointed to herself with a wink. "..."

"Y-your place?"

She nodded with a sly smile. Jaune scratched the back of his head, looking around him as though he were afraid one of his fellow students had followed him here. He conspiratorially leaned down, his voice dropping to a low murmur that could barely be heard above the din of the music permeating Junior's. "Sure, but I can't really stay too long. I do have to make it back to Beacon before the last Bullhead leaves."

Neo pouted, tilting her head. "..."

"Look, I'd love to chat with you more, but-" Neo's hand reached up and put a finger to his lips. She stepped back and pointed at Jaune.

"Er... yes?"

The petite girl then pointed to herself before making an 'OK' sign with one hand and then taking her other hand and sliding the index finger of it in and out, licking her lips. Jaune nearly spat out what little of his drink he had remaining, eyes widening. "You... you want... wait, really?"

The young woman nodded slowly, giving a lazy wink before thumbing the direction of the door, and putting a hand on her hip almost impatiently.

Jaune froze, his mind racing. _Holy crap, I just met her! Still... she's really cute... got nice legs... totally gets what I'm going through. Didn't Grandpa Arc say that if I had the chance to sow some wild oats, to do so? I mean, his advice hasn't steered me wrong yet... and she seems pretty damn eager. What could be the harm? I mean, even if she tries to kill you for some unexplained reason, you're immortal! You have nothing to fear!_ He ran a hand through his blond hair and shrugged. "You know what? Fuck it. Literally." He winked mischievously despite the bad pun.

Neo bounced up to Jaune and grabbed his arm, pulling him away with a happy grin on her face. The young man barely having enough time to toss some Lien on the counter for the drinks before being pulled back out into the cool night air…

* * *

 **[Beacon – Team RWBY Dorm]**

* * *

"Ow! Be careful!" Weiss complained as Ruby tightened the bandages around her midsection.

"Sorry, but we got to bandage up those knife wounds. Who could have guessed Velvet knew how to fight with butcher knives so well... kinda glad Glynda showed up when she did." Ruby muttered.

"Hmph. Second year student or not, I could have beaten her if she hadn't shown up. And why didn't the rest of you help me!" Weiss snapped at the other two remaining members of her team, both of whom were in no better shape than her.

Yang glared out from under her ice-pack. "Sorry, but if you didn't notice, I was getting smashed, and _not_ in the fun, alcoholic way. Jeeze, Nora really knows how to use that hammer..."

"Sorry Weiss," Ruby sheepishly answered, "I was just trying to stay out of it. I don't even know why everyone was fighting in the first place. I mean all Nora did was kiss Jaune." Ruby felt Weiss stiffen under her hands and a low, deep growling emerged from her throat like an enraged animal.

"Stupid Arc... stupid pancakes..." Weiss muttered angrily.

Suddenly Blake bolted upright in her bed, her bow twitching furiously, golden eyes widening and glancing about the room.

"Did you forget something, Blake?" Yang asked, looking down over the side of her top bunk bed.

Blake mouthed something, her breath suddenly catching before saying it again, this time in a manner that could easily be heard. "Pervert senses... tingling!"

 _Someone I know is getting laid! Who?! Where?! WHY AM I NOT THE ONE IN THE SITUATION!?_

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy – Team JNPR Dorm]**

* * *

"Renny, the bandages are too tight!" Nora whined as Ren bandaged the wounds she'd received in the all out brawl that had taken place that evening.

"Sorry, Nora, but we have to make sure that we stop any blood loss, at least until your Aura heals you. Still, never expected Velvet of all people to go all out like that..." Ren looked over to see Pyrrha in her pajamas, sitting cross-legged on her bed, glaring daggers at Nora. He rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his childhood friend. "So... you and Jaune?"

Nora nodded. "Those pancakes were godly, Ren! They were so good!"

"Didn't think you'd be the type to go for someone just because of food..." Ren chuckled, as he continued to patch up his partner, a little more gingerly this time.

"It's not just that! Jaune's cute too!"

"Oh?" Ren smirked. "Never said anything before today."

Nora crossed her arms and pouted. "Hey, I don't have to tell you every thought I think!"

Ren chuckled. "I'm sorry, Nora. I won't tease you about it. Promise."

"Thanks Renny."

Pyrrha growled. "You have Ren..." her voice could barely be heard as she continued to glare at her teammate. Nora, however, didn't seem to notice this.

"I must have him make pancakes for me every day, Ren!" She proclaimed, pumping her fist! "And I shall reward him with make outs and views of my back bumpers!"

Ren pinched the bridge of his nose. "Nora, please don't shove your butt into his face every chance you get. Jaune's got enough on his plate."

Pyrrha opened her mouth as her visage twisted into something ugly, when she stopped, and shivered. Her emerald eyes widened and she looked around before crying out, "Jaune senses... tingling!"

Ren blinked in confusion and looked over to the Spartan before looking out the window to their dorm. "Speaking of which... where is Jaune?"

* * *

 **[Vale – Neo's Apartment]**

* * *

"Woof." Jaune laid back onto the pink, brown and white silk sheets, feeling their cool touch against his bare back. Still straddling him, the young woman he'd just had... _intimate relations_ with turned over her shoulder and winked lasciviously at him. He grinned tiredly back up at her. "So, I think you confirmed it."

"…?"

"Ne **o** politan is my favorite flavor of ice cream." Jaune winked back, earning a silent giggle from the girl. She turned around, giving Jaune an unashamedly clear view of her chest before falling atop him and gently running a finger down his chest, smiling. He was glad that she couldn't speak; judging by the look on her face for most of their time spent together, he was certain that the neighbors would have been screaming at her to shut up if she could make any noise. "So, be honest with me. How was I?"

Neo looked up at him, cocking an eyebrow before raising both hands, all fingers raised. She closed her hands, then reopened them. "…!"

Jaune eyes widened. "Seriously? Ten out of ten?"

Neo nodded slowly, her lips still upturned in a wicked smile.

"You certainly know how to make a guy feel awesome... among other things." Jaune turned to the side and grimaced as he noticed the time on Neo's (unsurprisingly cute) bedside clock. "Crap, the last Bullhead to Beacon just left." He looked back at her with a chuckle. "Don't worry, I'm not gonna impose on you. I figured you'd... you know..." He motioned out the door. He assumed that this was a one time thing, that they'd bang, he'd leave and that would be the last they'd see of each other. Though, to be fair, the idea did make him a bit sad.

Neo just shook her head and held up two fingers, giving Jaune a tired grin. "Jeeze, you want to for Round 2?" He scratched his chin, his other hand running slowly up and down the side of Neo's naked body, earning a pleasant shiver from her. "So, just to be clear, is this a one time thing or..."

Neo tilted her head in thought and shook her head. She put her fingers together to make a heart, then pulled them apart and shook her head, then made an 'Ok' sign, sliding her index finger in and out of it. "..."

"So, friends with benefits?" Jaune replied hopefully. Neo nodded hard while grinning. "I... I can totally work with that. Stress relief for the both of us, and we need it!"

"…!" Neo nodded in agreement, her multicolored eyes widening, then switching positions.

"How do you do that?"

"…?" She shrugged, the motion doing interesting things to her nude form.

"The..." Jaune paused and motioned to his eyes. "The eye thing."

Neo shrugged again before suddenly grabbing his ears and shoving her lips against his own, and before Jaune's mind could conjure any more questions, the movement of Neo's body against his own replaced any concerns he had once again with bliss…

* * *

 **[The Next Morning – Beacon Academy – Hallway]**

* * *

Jaune Arc was whistling. _Whistling._ Okay, so he'd gotten only about four hours of sleep the previous night before due to Neo's insatiable sexual appetite. So what if he had been (playfully) kicked out early on that day, with only her Scroll number to show for it? So what if he smelled faintly of sexual fluids from their seemingly endless fun? Jaune Arc had gotten laid. Not only that, but the petite girl was fun, delightfully mysterious and best of all, wasn't looking for a relationship, which meant his parents wouldn't be receiving children any time soon. For once, _for once_ , everything was coming up Jaune. He'd been cheerful and whistling the entire way back through Vale, and even the Bullhead ride back was tolerable due to how great he was feeling.

And now that he was back in Beacon he was ready to start a new day, ready to face the insanity head on! He wouldn't be broken! He'd deal with his partners delusions! He'd face Nora's sudden pancake-fueled interest in him! Even his Stalker couldn't bring him down now! Jaune's whistling grew even more merry as he stood in front of the door to his dorm room. All he had to do was head inside, take a shower to wash the smell of Neo off of him, maybe shave and start the day off right!

"Hey Jaune." A slightly monotone voice replied from off to the side. The blond turned to the voice and grinned.

"Blake! How are you this fine morning!" Jaune answered merrily.

The secret cat-girl gave a yawn and waved. Her 'pervert sense' had kept her up for hours, finally dying down sometime early morning, so she was exhausted. She approached the young blond and froze, sniffing the air. Jaune rifled through his pockets, trying to find his scroll to open the door's electronic lock, muttering something about too many pockets and not enough organization.

 _WHAM_

Jaune was slammed against the wall next to the door hard, and his eyes widened as Blake suddenly got close, sniffing him all over, starting at his neck and making her way down his body. "Wh-what?! Hey! What the hell Blake?!"

Blake's head got to crotch level and she sniffed before shooting back up, getting right in his face with a glare. "Who was she?"

"W-w-who?" Jaune asked nervously. "I-I don't know what you're talking about!"

Her eyes narrowed and Jaune swallowed hard. "You're lying... I can _smell_ the sex on you..."

"W-what does it matter?!" Jaune squeaked.

"Who is she to you?"

"J-just a friend with benefits!"

Blake twitched, looking positively wrathful. She grabbed Jaune by the collar and brought his face in so close he could smell the fish on her breath. "Didn't you ever **think** that **someone else** might want those **benefits?!** Someone **close**!? **Like say a cat-girl ninja?!** " Blake hissed in frustration, Jaune cowering beneath her gaze.

Jaune started to try to decry his innocence, when a familiar sight came into view; a butcher knife buried itself near his head next to him, and Blake turned to the side, surprised. Velvet was standing next to her, eyes twitching madly.

" _Who was she Jaune? Was she good? Did she taste you?!_ " Her voice was seriously starting to disturb the poor boy even further, and his blue orbs glanced about, trying to find a way out of his situation.

 _What's with them all of the sudden?! Why are they so angry I banged someone?! What cat-girl ninja?!_

That was when the door opened up, and Jaune knew that the universe had decided that he needed some karmic retribution for _daring_ to have a wonderful night.

Pyrrha Nikos of all people stepped out of the dorm, and the look on her face told him all he needed to know.

She'd heard everything.

 _Death Count: 2,039_

* * *

 **Next on Immortal: Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney**

" _All rise, for the Honorable Judge, Pyrrha Nikos."_

" _Mr. Arc, you are hereby being charged with having sexual relations with some random floozy!"_

" _WOULD YOU STOP KILLING ME?!"_

" _I hereby find the defendant..."_

" _HOLD IT! This entire trial is a sham!"_

" _The hell are you wearing?"_

" _Living with Nora made it necessary to learn certain skills...like how to get out of legal trouble."_

" _Objection!...On the grounds that his evidence is hurting my case."_

" _I call to the stand...some random guy I met the other day while buying muffins!"_

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: GAAAH! It's finally finished! It took me way too long, but I did it! A 2.5x sized chapter, just for you folks! Yep, looks like our Jaune finally managed to get some, but not from any of the Beacon girls! I know the Neo thing was rushed, but Neo strikes me as the kind of girl who'd be into 'friends with benefits' as it were. She will probably get fleshed out a little bit more, but what you see is what you get. She's pretty much the straight man of Team CRMEN. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to get my requisite two hours of sleep and let my poor fingers rest for a bit! Hope you all enjoy!**_

 _ **And remember to leave a review!**_

 _ **(And this was beta read by Maxaro!)**_

 **(Edit: Whoops, screwed up the Death Counter. Fixed.)**


	12. Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney

_I do not own RWBY. You all asked for this, so you have no one to blame but yourselves, for the next chapter of:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 12: Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney**

How they got him into this situation, Jaune would never know.

Even years later when he looked back on it, Jaune was really unsure how he ended up in the empty class room that they'd somehow transformed into an impromptu court room. One minute Pyrrha was fixing him with a look that promised eternal pain, and the next moment he found himself being marched through the hallways of Beacon Academy by knife point by a very twitchy Velvet Scarlatina. When they'd entered the class room, the jury benches, judge podium, and seats were already in position, with Blake and Weiss standing behind a desk at one side of the room, both of them dressed in some very fancy suits in their respective colors.

Jaune was so utterly confused as to how they'd gotten set up so quickly that he really only started asking questions to himself once he was already sitting down in the defendant's seat. Questions like, 'how did I get here', and, 'where did they get the materials for the courtroom so fast', and, 'would they mind if I brushed my teeth, I can still taste Neo'... _Actually, that last one I can live with._ Even more confusing, Jaune noticed other students starting to file into the classroom in the seats behind him.

Then he noticed his fellow classmates. Ruby walked in confused, whispering to a Yang who seemed like she couldn't keep the shit eating grin off her face. The buxom blonde brawler's lilac gaze leveled on Jaune and her already wide grin grew even wider. Evidently word traveled faster than he'd anticipated. It appeared though that Ruby was at least confused, so Jaune would bet no one told her the reason why he was in the courtroom.

Actually, now that he stopped to think about it, _why_ exactly was he here? He was in the defendant's seat, so obviously he was being 'tried' for something, but for what exactly he had no bloody idea. _Do they even have the legal representation to try me for anything? Wait... why the hell am I going along with this?!_ Jaune twitched and shook his head. Sitting next to him, her figure twitching, was Velvet, handling a massive butcher knife. _Where the hell did she even get that?_ He shook his head again. It didn't matter, he wasn't going to sit there and deal with the inanity of the situation. He stood to his feet and turned to walk away.

 _SPLORTCH!_

Agonizing pain erupted in his throat and his hands went automatically to his throat, his airway suddenly becoming blocked. His hands touched something sharp and metal and a slight downturn of his gaze saw the blade of a butcher knife sticking out of his neck. He turned, eyes wide with a combination of fear, pain and exasperation to see Velvet grinning madly at him. "Ah, ah, ah! You can't leave until we've passed judgment on you, you cheater! Don't worry though, I'll forgive you for cheating on me if you tell me the name of the slut who had you." Velvet cheerfully informed him.

Jaune was barely aware of the screams of the students behind him as they noticed him proceeding to bleed out profusely onto the wooden desk, and before he slipped into unconsciousness, he lifted his hand up and flipped Velvet off, putting on the most deadpan expression he could possibly muster. He didn't know what her response was, as he bled out in a matter of seconds, and once again, Jaune Arc died.

 **[An Indeterminate Amount Of Time Later]**

Resurrection was always a strange thing for Jaune to experience. It was like someone decided to turn the television of his mind back on, and he'd go from being completely unconscious (well dead, really), to suddenly being awake, alert, and unharmed, as though he'd simply blinked funny. This time he resurrected to the sounds of people chattering behind him, and it took his brain a couple of seconds of restart time to process what exactly was going on.

"He... he got back up!"

"Is he a zombie?"

"Holy crap, he's invincible!"

"No you, moron, he's immortal! There's a difference!"

Jaune had to bite back the urge to go, as Grandpa Arc once so eloquently put it, "banana-nut-monkey-crazy" out of sheer rage. All the trouble he'd gone through in order to prevent word of his immortality from spreading any further than it had to, and now this crazy bunny-eared psycho spilled the beans! Even worse, neither Blake nor Weiss seemed to even register this latest death, instead talking quietly amongst themselves with a pair of briefcases in front of them, pausing every so often to stop and stare at Jaune for a moment before going back to their discussion.

Before Jaune could open his mouth to start yelling at them for the sheer stupidity of the situation, Velvet's voice spoke up loudly and cheerfully. "All rise for the Honorable Judge Pyrrha Nikos!" Jaune tilted his head in confusion. _When the hell did she get dressed in a cop uniform! Also, I'm pretty certain the cop uniform does not involve bunny patterned stockings and garter belt._ His gaze looked up to the front of the class to notice his red-headed partner making her way up to the center podium wearing a black robe, gavel in hand.

Jaune rolled his eyes, remaining in his seat. He'd already had enough dealing with the idiocy of the situation, he wasn't going to encourage them. Velvet turned to him even as Pyrrha sat behind the podium, the bunny Faunus' eyes narrowing with the same creepy smile on her face as before. Jaune stared back, eyes slowly narrowing into a glare…

 _SPLORTCH!_

Her hand shot out and Jaune felt a familiar pain in his throat. If any of his teammates were worried or bothered about his next death, they didn't seem to show it. Pyrrha simply looked down at him with an unconcerned look. _Where the hell does she keep those damn knives!?_ Jaune could hear the students behind him once again chattering excitedly amongst themselves and his vision grew dark once more. He reached towards the knife handle, pulling the blade from his throat and slammed it blade first into the desk at which he sat, then slumped forward, his neck pouring blood underneath him.

"Everyone look away!" Velvet cheerfully shouted, walking to the knife and pulling it out.

With strange looks, everyone, for the second time that day, looked away from Jaune's corpse. When everyone once more looked back, they saw Jaune rubbing his neck and growling. "Okay, this is bullshit!"

"Quiet!" Pyrrha shouted, slamming her gavel on the stand. "Order in the courtroom! Mr. Arc, if your outbursts continue, you will be punished for contempt of court!"

Jaune twitched. "You aren't even an official judge! There's no way in Remnant this can be legal! Hell, there's two damn prosecutors!" The blond angrily pointed to Blake and Weiss, who were smiling smugly, arms crossed. "And why does Weiss have a whip?"

 _WHA-PSSH!_

"Ow!" Jaune winced and cradled his arm, glaring at Weiss.

"Quiet you!" The heiress glowered, coiling up her white leather whip.

Pyrrha cleared her throat and everyone turned their attention back to her. "Mr. Arc! You are hereby charged with having sexual relations with some random floozy! How do you plead?"

There was a sound of skin hitting skin as Jaune's hand rose up quickly to smack his face. "You've **got** to be kidding me. _That's_ what this whole thing is about? Even if I _did_ have sex with some girl, who the hell cares?! This entire trial is stupid!" Jaune got to his feet. "I am leaving, and there's not a damn thing you people can do about it!"

Jaune felt wind pass by him and this time, he was ready. The young blond man quickly ducked down and a butcher knife flew over his head. "Oh no you don't!" Jaune shouted angrily, gripping onto his desk in order to toss it at Velvet who'd already pulled out another two butcher knives. He picked it up over his head, grinning wildly. "Bring it on!"

 _ **SPLORTCH**_

 __He wasn't sure if it was a terrible thing or not that the feeling of being impaled by various weaponry was vaguely familiar, this having been the second time he'd experienced it. Gambol Shroud, Akouo, Myrtenaster, and two Butcher Knives were run through his body. "For fuck's sake..." Jaune managed to cough out, twitching. Blake, Weiss, Pyrrha, and Velvet withdrew their weapons, letting Jaune slump to the ground, the desk falling with a clatter next to him. "I... guess... it's what... I get for..." he coughed up more blood, his expression irritated. "... holding back..."

With that, Jaune Arc died a third time.

This time, absolutely no one save for Jaune himself, seemed to care.

 **[Another Indeterminate Amount Of Time Later]**

Sight. Sound. Smell. Touch. Taste.

Jaune came to, having been laying on the floor. His current shirt was in tatters, but everything else was, unsurprisingly, fine. "WILL YOU STOP FUCKING KILLING ME?!"

"Mr. Arc, please refrain from interrupting court again." Pyrrha chastised him. "Blake, please present your case."

Blake, dressed in her black business dress, stepped forward. "Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury-"

"What jury!? There's no one in the jury seats!" Jaune shouted in exasperation, pointing to the Jury booth where, as he pointed out, no one was sitting.

"Mr Arc, please be silent or you will be punished again!" Pyrrha snapped angrily, glaring at him. Jaune threw his hands up and returned the look, but when his gaze fell upon Velvet, who was currently licking his blood off of one of her knives. Her eyes glinted and Jaune shivered, falling silent.

Blake continued on, uncaring towards Jaune's outburst. "Before you is the defendant, Jaune Arc. This young man would have you believe that he's a gentleman, but, last night, Mr. Arc performed a crime! He had sex with some random woman at a bar, when he had the opportunity, no, _obligation_ to render those services to those more deserving of it! Like a particular Faunus girl! Then, he had the gall, the _nerve,_ to try and hide his crime!" Blake turned to Jaune and pointed at him. "He should be punished for his crimes, lest he decide to please someone else without first consulting his teammates and asking them if they'd want to enjoy his ministrations!"

Jaune blinked. "What." His tone was drier than the Vacuo Wastes, his expression utterly incredulous.

"Well said," Pyrrha murmured. "Second Prosecutor Schnee, do you have anything to add?"

"Okay, this is bullshit, how come there's two Prosecutors and no Defense Attorneys?!" Jaune complained. Velvet's hand shot out and Jaune barely missed his hand getting pinned to the desk as another one of her knives found itself buried in the desk.

"Thank you, Miss Nikos." Weiss replied, getting up. Jaune noticed she was talking with an odd accent as she spoke, as though she were acting like someone else. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury..." Weiss uncoiled her whip and with blurring speed, whipped the desk causing Jaune to jump. "This... pathetic excuse of a man _dared_ to have a night of..." her voice dipped low, " _intense carnal desire_ without the express given permission of his allies!"

"What are you, my mother?" Jaune muttered before going slightly pale at the thought.

 _Wha-pssh!_

"Ow!" Jaune rubbed his wrist as Weiss narrowed her eyes at him, having whipped him.

"Jury, I believe you should convict this man and place him in the... _tender_ cares of the justice system so he maybe... _punished_ for his transgressions." Weiss concluded.

Jaune groaned. "What could you people _possibly_ do to me? If anyone here hasn't realized, _I'm immortal._ Whatever punishment you can possibly come up with would be a joke."

Weiss, Blake and Pyrrha all fixed him with wicked grins and Jaune groaned again. "Right. As Grandpa Arc once said, " _There are many, many fates worse than death"._ "

Pyrrha cleared her throat. "Well, if our Prosecutors have no more to say, then I hereby declare the defendant-"

At that moment, the doors to the classroom burst open and a blinding light shone forth. " _HOLD IT!_ " Everyone turned around, and even Pyrrha's hand froze, the gavel hanging above the podium. Jaune shaded his eyes and watched as a silhouette stepped into the room. "This trial is a sham!"

"Who are you?" Weiss demanded, glaring angrily at having her victory taken away from her so soon.

"Me? I'm Phoenix Ren, Ace Attorney, here to represent Jaune Arc!" The figure stepped forward to reveal himself as Ren, dressed in a bright blue suit, a bright red tie and his hair slicked back into a strange style.

"Ren?" Jaune asked. "What are you wearing?"

"A suit. It makes you look professional." Ren deadpanned, sitting next to Jaune and placing a black briefcase onto the desk.

"... right. How are you getting your hair to stay like that?" Jaune mused, tilting his head in confusion.

"Lots and lots of hair gel." Ren answered as he straightened his tie.

"Excuse me, Ren, but what exactly are you doing?" Pyrrha asked, glaring daggers at him.

Ren looked back up to Pyrrha, raising an eyebrow. "As I said, I'm here to act as Jaune's defense attorney."

Jaune tapped his friend on the shoulder. "Um, Ren?"

"Yes?"

The blond man leaned in and murmured in Ren's ear. "There's a bit of a problem. I... er... kinda did it. Last night I went to Junior's and kinda met some short girl and... well, I'll say that she's extremely flexible and leave it at that."

Ren shook his head. "Doesn't matter. A defense attorney will defend their client no matter what. Also, do you _really_ want to let _them_ punish you?" He motioned his head to Blake and Weiss who were frowning and crossing their arms, looking quite irritated at Ren's sudden appearance.

"G-good point." Jaune muttered, looking pale. "Wait. How do you know about... all this?" He gestured to the courtroom with his hands.

"Oh," Ren began, "Living with Nora made it necessary to learn certain skills... like avoiding legal trouble."

"That... that actually makes _too_ much sense." Jaune grimaced.

Ren turned to Pyrrha. "I would like to present my defense to the court."

"Very well..." Pyrrha muttered, looking quite upset. "Give your case."

Ren stood up and nodded, walking out into the center of the class. "Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury-"

" _There's nobody there!"_ Jaune groaned, hitting his head on the desk. Ren shot him a look and Jaune rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

" _As_ I was saying, Ladies and Gentlemen of the Jury, I may be a small town Eastern lawyer, but I can tell you with certainty that my defendant is _not guilty_ of the heinous crime of which he's been charged. I'd like to present my first bit of evidence," Ren pulled out a small device from his pocket. "Jaune's blood alcohol content. Jaune, if you'd breathe into this, please?"

"O... kay?" Jaune confusedly complied with the request, breathing into the tube presented for him.

There was a few moments of silence, and then the thing beeped. "As you can see here, Jaune's blood alcohol content is .03, which would be expected from someone who'd gone out drinking." Ren explained, pacing back and forth in front of Pyrrha.

"Even if Mr. Arc was intoxicated, it does not exonerate him from his crimes!" Pyrrha shouted.

"Exactly! He must be punished!" Weiss shouted.

" _If_ you both would wait, I wasn't finished." Ren explained. "Where would one acquire alcohol, especially late at night after Jaune's success at pancake cooking?"

"At... a night club?" Pyrrha asked.

Ren snapped his fingers. "Exactly. Jaune, where were you last night after you left the cafeteria fight?"

"I was at Juniors."

"Objection!" Blake shouted, pointing a finger, "Jaune being at nightclub would be a perfect opportunity to find a woman with which to sleep with! Further more, it doesn't explain the fact that I could smell sexual pheromones on Jaune during the morning!"

" _Take that!_ " Ren shouted back, also pointing a finger dramatically, "Among the activities that can be found at nightclubs, especially at seedier ones like Junior's, are drinking, drugs, and, above all, _sex_! Jaune could have simply been in the vicinity of such an activity and said pheromones would have simply been on him from the simple act of being nearby!"

" _Hold it!_ " Was Weiss' response, she too pointing dramatically as though not to be left out. "Mr. Arc simply being in the vicinity of such an act would not cause him to be doused with a strong enough concentration of pheromones to be smelled on him after eight or more hours!"

" _Objection!_ " Ren shot back, "Jaune could have been in contact with someone who'd _just_ had sex! Perhaps even dancing with someone who had relations in one of the back rooms of Juniors! Such close contact, perhaps even so soon after an act would have had ample closeness in order to be effused with the pheromones!"

" _ **Objection**_!" Blake shouted once more.

Pyrrha waited for a response and when none came, turned to Blake curiously. "On what grounds?"

Blake looked nervously to the side. "O-on the grounds that his evidence is hurting my case... and it was objectionable..."

Pyrrha started to deny the objection, but stopped. On one hand, she didn't have a reason. On the other hand... her mind wandered to the ' _punishment_ ' she had in mind for Jaune.

 _ **Jaune stared up at her above him, eyes wide and filled with adoration. "Pyrrha... my Goddess..."**_

She drooled for a moment before shaking her head and hitting the gavel. "Sustained."

Ren groaned and face palmed. "Right. Kangaroo Court. What was I thinking?"

Jaune slammed both of his hands on the table, the sudden noise causing everyone to jump in surprise. "Why is no one asking the important question?! _How the fuck can Blake smell 'pheromones' on me in the first fucking place_?!"

Pyrrha blinked. "Actually... profanity aside, Jaune _does_ have a good point."

Everyone turned to Blake who drew her lips into a thin line. She was silent for a few moments before sighing and reaching up to pull off her bow. Everyone in the back of the room gasped as they noticed her furry black ears. Ruby let out a delighted gasp and a coo of cuteness, Yang murmured in approval, Weiss looked utterly shocked, Nora shouted something about kitties, Ren remained deadpan, Pyrrha had a look of slight surprise, and Jaune…

Jaune blinked. "Wait, you're a Faunus?"

Blake frowned. "You... didn't know?"

"How could I? You were wearing that bow! It was hiding those cat ear-" he stopped mid sentence. " _Oooohhh,_ that's what you mean by 'cat-girl ninja!' Wait... that would mean that you..." Jaune's eyes widened. "So what you were saying was that you wanted me to..."

Blake glared. " _ **Yes.**_ "

"Well..." Pyrrha shook her head. "Regardless, as Mr. Ren has no more evidence to prove his point, I hereby declare the defendant to be-"

" _Hold it!_ " Ren shouted, pointing at Pyrrha again.

Pyrrha growled. "Mr. Ren, I _will_ have you held in contempt of court!"

"Ah," Ren started, smirking, "I have my last piece of evidence. A star witness!"

Jaune's eyes widened and he recoiled. "Wait, how did you even know who I was with-"

Ren cut him off, pointing to the door. "I call to the stand... some random guy I met the other day while buying muffins!"

Everyone blinked in confusion, even as the doors to the makeshift courtroom burst open once more and in stepped another figure. This one was wearing a cream colored suit with a black bowler hat, orange bangs peeking out from under it. "Heeeey guys..." the man drawled. He stepped forward, swinging a cane in one hand.

"W-who are you?" Pyrrha asked, tilting her head.

"The name... is... wait... what's my name again?" The orange haired man asked, scratching his head with his cane.

"Roman." Ren spoke up. "Remember our little deal?"

Roman let out a laugh. "Oh, right! Yeah! Totally!" Roman reached into his pocket and withdrew a large cigar, his other hand reaching for a lighter and he began to light up in the middle of the courtroom.

"Excuse me, there is no smoking in the courtroom!" Weiss shouted angrily, readying her whip.

"Whoah, chill, Ice Queen! It's allllllll riiiiiight." Roman chuckled stupidly. He raised the cigar into the air, smoke trailing from the tip.

Ren opened up the briefcase, and within laid two gas masks. Jaune turned to his friend, who simply looked at him and grabbed one of the gas masks. "Put this on." Ren instructed.

"Wait, what?"

"Just do it. You'll see."

Jaune shrugged. Today had been confusing enough as it was, so, with a sigh of resignation, Jaune grabbed the other gas mask and slipped it onto his face, tightening it as much as he could. "Why are we doing this?"

Ren ignored the question, turning instead to Roman. "You know the drill. You do what I told you, and you get free pancakes."

"Right!" Roman cheerfully responded.

"Mr. Ren! This is a waste of the court's, and my, time! If you have nothing more to prove, than I will be giving the verdict!" Pyrrha shouted angrily, even as Blake and Weiss turned to Jaune with hungry and cruel smiles. Jaune could only shiver and try to hide behind his friend.

Roman stuck his cigar in his mouth and began to inhale, and inhale he did. Fifteen seconds... thirty seconds... a minute... a minute and a half; Roman took one of the longest drags ever, a puff on the rolled up blunt that would have put him easily into any book of world records, if he could be arsed to prove it to anyone. Everyone's complaints dropped dead as they watched the incredible feat, the blunt burning through with incredible speed until it was nothing more than ashes.

Then... silence.

" _ **Haaaaaaaaaaaaaa...**_ " Roman exhaled, and from his lungs a massive quantity of smoke rushed forth, the thick, cloying, and odd smelling cloud beginning to spread quickly throughout the room.

Pyrrha was the first to react. "What on Remnant do you think you're doing?! Stop that immediately! This room doesn't have good ventilation and you're filling it with... with..." the redhead trailed off in mid rant, her eyes going dull and unfocused. "Wait... what... what am I doing again?"

Blake and Weiss were also looking... off. Blake was busy batting lazily at Weiss' ponytail, and Weiss was slumped forward on her desk, giggling stupidly. Jaune looked around the room to notice everyone suddenly acting... relaxed. People were staring at their hands, grinning dumbly and just generally looking like they were…

"Is that pot smoke?! Are they all having a contact high?"

"Indeed." Ren responded quietly, nodding sagely. "And Pyrrha? You were just about to pass Jaune's 'Not Guilty,' verdict."

Pyrrha stared blankly at her gavel before nodding. "R-... right... not guilty... or whatever..." she blinked and tilted her head. "I'm hungry."

Everyone around the room, Roman included nodded and murmured with agreement. "Yeah, we're starving..."

"Case dismissed or something... let's all go get pancakes." Pyrrha drawled, practically stumbling out of her seat and making her way to the door, the entire courtroom slowly following suit.

Jaune tilted his head, and while his face was concealed by the gas mask, his expression was still one of utter incredulousness. "How..." he turned to Roman. "How high are you?"

Roman placed his hands slightly apart from each other. "This many... like... if you took the back of one hand... and went alllllllll the way around Remnant... to the back of the other hand... that many."

"..." Jaune sighed and turned to Ren. "Looks like we win?"

"Of course. I've been undefeated since I've started this, after all."

"There's only one problem."

"Oh?"

Jaune placed his head on one hand. "I cant' help but feel that we've cheated..."

 _Death Count: 2,043_

 **Next on Immortal: The Return of Yellowbeard**

" _James, you're insane. Yellowbeard's been dead for hundreds of years."_

" _I've been hunting him ever since he struck Atlas two years ago!"_

" _He rides a ship that travels upon land, and is followed by a haunting melody!"_

" _Yeah, my dad forbid me from getting drunk after what happened two years ago. Don't remember what happened, but I'm not allowed even near rum."_

" _Why did you send me half naked cosplay photos?"_

" _If this club blows up, I'm blaming you."_

" _When I come back from a mighty quest, I have no need for sleep or rest; I head to the tavern for a drink and get so drunk I cannot think!"_

" _I want more wenches! More wenches and mead! Wenches and Mead be what I need!"_

" _Ahoy! 'Tis I, Captain Yellowbeard, Scourge of Remnant's seas! I be here to plunder your booty!"_

 _ **Author's Note: Ahahahahahaaha! (falls over) I did it! The next chapter of Immortal! I told you I'd get it to you people! Now if you'll excuse me, I need to finish the next chapter of Mastermind (finally) and Unwinnable! What is wrong with me? Am I insane?**_

 _ **Or is it this fic that's making me insane… 0_o**_

 _ **As always, remember to leave a review!**_

 _ **(This chapter beta read by Maxaro!)**_


	13. The Return of Yellowbeard

_I do not own RWBY. It's the little things that keep me from the really good schools. Things like:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 13: The Return of Yellowbeard**

 **[Beacon Academy -Emerald Tower]**

"Not that I dislike meeting like this again, James," Ozpin spoke quietly, taking a sip of his coffee like a punctuation mark, "but I must ask, why exactly have you decided to show up to my Academy so suddenly? More importantly..." The tall, mysterious Headmaster turned on his heel to gaze out the tall windows that surrounded his office, and gave him a view across all of Beacon's campus. Floating outside of his window, ominous and shiny, were not one, not two, but three Atlasian Warships, their chrome exteriors throwing bright lights into Ozpin's office. "Why on Remnant did you feel the need to send Vale into a state of panic by sending in so many of your soldiers?!" Ozpin spun around again, glaring.

The object of Ozpin's ire was none other than General James Ironwood. The tall, broad shouldered man stood towering above Ozpin's desk with a hard look across his stoic features. He was dressed to the nines in his gray military overcoat and black slacks. "Ozpin, I brought them here because both Vale and Atlas are being threatened!" James slammed a hand down onto the desk, causing Ozpin's mug to shake with the force of it. "Someone managed to get into Vale, and if we leave them alone for too long, the lives of countless innocents are at stake!"

Waving a hand dismissively, Ozpin picked up his mug and took another sip. Then, "Yes, James, I know about the Queen-"

Ozpin's wry retort was cut off by James' voice, which sounded oddly panicked for someone who led an entire army, as well as managed an entire Academy of his own. " _It's not the Queen!_ " James slammed his other hand on the desk and leaned over, staring down Ozpin with a mad gleam in his eye. "Someone far worse! A man of loose morals, and even looser definitions of overkill!" James dramatically rose from the desk, walking away from Ozpin's desk as he continued. "I speak of the very same man, who stole half my body from me!" James clenched his fist, staring down at the ground with a determined glare across his rugged features.

"James?"

"Yes, Ozpin?"

"You're a bloody idiot. You lost half your body in that unfortunate cheese smelting incident." Ozpin glared at James, who abruptly paled, the expression on his face growing nervous.

"Erm, I mean...I'm after the man who stole my arm!" James managed to recover, triumphantly pointing to the ceiling with his mechanical hand.

"Eaten by that mechanical Beowulf you all tried to create in Atlas."

"My hand?" 

"Eaten along with the rest of the arm."

"My leg?"

"You lost that trying to kick wood down in a wood chipper...while it was running."

James scratched the back of his head nervously, looking off to the side. "R-right. Um..." He gave a very sheepish grin, full of straight, white teeth. "He humiliated me in front of my troops?"

Ozpin sighed and put his head into his hands. "I believe I'm starting to understand how Mr. Arc feels on a day to day basis...fine. Whatever."

" _The man who had the gall to humiliate me in front of my troops!_ " James roared, almost instantly forgetting his previous errors.

"You've got to be kidding me...okay. Who the hell is this...man, you speak of?" Ozpin drawled, irritatedly.

"None other...than the infamous Captain Yellowbeard!" James shouted, whirling around on his heel and pointing at Ozpin.

The white-haired Headmaster stared at the general from over the top of his glasses, his expression completely neutral. Slowly, his hand grasped for his mug, and he took another long, slow sip. He took his time, staring directly into James' eyes, the General still frozen in a pose of drama. Just as slowly and carefully, Ozpin placed the mug back on the desk, and cleared his throat. "James, you're insane. Yellowbeard's been dead for hundreds of years."

" _I know what I saw_!" Ironwood yelled angrily. "I've been hunting him ever since he struck Atlas two years ago!"

Ozpin cocked his head. "What exactly did this...what exactly did Yellowbeard do?"

"Besides cause untold Lien worth of property damage? Besides steal pounds upon pounds of Dust? Besides seduce women all over Atlas? _Why, he stole my leg-_ "

"Insulted you."

"... _Insulted me in front of my troops!_ " James finished, earning another deep sigh from Ozpin.

"This...this must be how Jaune feels every single day..."

James lifted his leg and placed it upon a chair, posing triumphantly again. "I ask of you, Ozpin, help me in my quest to defeat Captain Yellowbeard! I need a crew of top notch hunters to help me track him down, and end his foul reign once and for all!"

Ozpin rolled his eyes. "Calm down Ahab." He drummed his fingers onto the desk, hitting a few of the holographic keys and activating the camera system he had set up around Beacon. "What does he look like?"

"Have you not read the history books? He has a head of gold, and a body that does not betray his inner strength! He rides a ship that travels upon land, and he is followed by a haunting melody! He is unmistakeable in appearance."

Ozpin stopped his fingers and looked over the screens at games with yet another exasperated glower. "So what you're telling me is, he's extremely easy to spot."

"You'd think that, but somehow he's evaded my search thus far! I've managed to track him down to Vale, however. He's here...somewhere..." James stared out the window at his warships and glared. "He can run...but he cannot hide..."

 _Thud_!

Ozpin sighed. _This desk feels kind of nice against my forehead. Maybe if I don't get up, James will get bored and leave._ He looked to the side and noticed James still staring out the window, obviously internally monologuing, and Ozpin groaned. _This is gonna take a while…_

 **[Beacon Academy – Kitchen]**

It had been two weeks since the 'trial,' and Jaune Arc could only be thankful for the fact that nothing major had occurred since then. Sure, there were lesser incidents, but nothing that could have matched the sheer level of insanity and 'wtf'-ery that the trial had brought about. Luckily, being so high had caused everyone present save for Ren and Jaune to forget said trail even happened in the first place, or the fact that he'd banged Neo, for that matter.

Of course, 'lesser incidents,' still meant that he had to deal with his partner on a day to day basis. Pyrrha had taken not only to crawling into his bed almost every night, (to the point where he was seriously considering creating an iron cage around his bed just to keep her out) but seemed to be wandering the halls during break periods to try and spread her 'word.' Luckily not too many people took her at her word, assuming she was talking about something else. Still, trying to keep her from turning everyone else crazy was starting to become a full time job.

Tack on to that Blake, who, now that Jaune knew of her Faunus nature, and realized that she was the mysterious pervert who interrupted their every meal with the constant buzzing of her vibrator, was now becoming more aggressive in her attempts to bed him. Of course, Jaune seemed to be able to avoid her somehow (it was the buzzing that gave her way) much to the Faunus' frustration. Even when she tried to corner him in a class, somehow, someway, he found a way to avoid her.

Then there was Nora.

Jaune sighed and flipped the silver spatula in his hand, catching it with dexterous precision. He slid the flat end under a golden brown pancake, plucking it out of the pan that it had been cooking in, and tossing it aside onto a plate that was almost towering with equally perfect breakfast foods. It wasn't like he... _hated_ Nora. She wasn't a terrible person, and unlike everyone else, Nora didn't either care, or didn't mind that he'd banged some random pint-sized ice-cream girl. On the other hand, she was far too hyperactive for his tastes, and her random bursts of affection were starting to wear on him.

Ren was no help. Every time Jaune brought up his problem with Nora to him, Ren's reaction was usually a very oblique way to tell him that, 'she was his problem now.'

The blond gave another small sigh and shook his head, pouring more of his latest batch of pancake batter onto the pan, causing it to bubble and start cooking. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see something orange slowly crawling up to the massive stacks of pancakes. With blurring speed his hand whipped out and smacked the flat end of the spatula onto the slowly outreaching hand.

 _Whack!_

"Ow!" Nora recoiled back, holding her stinging hand, pouting up at Jaune. "Jaaaauuuuuune!" Nora whined. "That was mean!"

"Nora," chastised Jaune, "I already said you have to wait. Go back to the table with others."

Nora's lip quivered, and she put on her best puppy dog face. "Pweeeeeaaassseeee?"

Jaune sighed. "Nora. Go into the cafeteria."

Nora's expression adopted an impish smirk. "What if I promise to give you more kisses?"

"Nora..." Jaune groaned. "We've talked about this a thousand times before. You don't have to be my girlfriend for me to make you pancakes. I enjoy cooking. It's almost…meditative."

"I know!" Nora smiled from ear to ear. She then looked to the side, her cheeks going slightly pink. "But I like kissing you anyway."

Jaune couldn't help but give a small smile. At the very least, while Nora was hyperactive, she was strangely enough, one of the more sane girls among the Beacon crowd, along with Yang, cosplay tendencies notwithstanding. His hand reached out and ran through her hair, earning a pleased squeak from Nora. "Go bug Ren. I'm almost finished with the pancakes. This time, I've added some cinnamon to the mix, as well as used a whole grain mix. Healthier for you, while still delicious."

Nora nodded. "Alright." She started to bound off, then stopped and rushed forward. Jaune turned back to her, only to suddenly find himself being grabbed by the collar and pulled down. The orange haired hammer wielder smashed her lips against Jaune's for a few seconds before bouncing off again, as though what she'd just did was perfectly normal. To Jaune however, his brain temporarily shut off for a few seconds. It'd been getting better, with Nora's repeated attempts, but for some reason, her random acts of affection still seemed to put his brain on standby.

"I'm never going to understand her. Then again, I'm never going to understand anyone in this school..." Jaune murmured. He turned back to the pan, and grimaced. His hand reached forth and flipped the pancake with the spatula, and his lips turned downward. "Well, fuck. Burned." He sighed, fished the burnt pancake from the pan and flipped it into a nearby trash can. While he might not have been a perfectionist in anything else in his life, cooking was certainly something he demanded nothing less than excellence in.

 **[Beacon – Cafeteria]**

Unsurprisingly, Jaune was the last to sit down at the table. Of course, he was the one who was serving everyone their food. That task alone seemed to take forever; Ruby, Yang, Pyrrha and Ren were the easiest. All he had to do was literally put the food and silverware in front of them. Weiss demanded she be served like she would at her home, (although Jaune absolutely refused to call her Mistress, much to her irritation and dismay.) and Jaune spent what seemed like forever arguing with Blake about turning off her vibrator before he gave her her pancakes. Nora of course seemed to somehow teleport the pancakes from Jaune's hands to the space in front of her, and she began to inhale the delicious golden-brown treats.

"Mmm, exquisite as usual!" Weiss exclaimed, daintily eating her pancakes. "And are these whole wheat?"

Jaune nodded as he sat down in front of his modest stake of pancakes. "Yeah. I figured everyone wanted to watch their figures, so I decided to try my hand at working with whole grains."

Yang grinned. "Aww, Jauney-boy's thinking about us! He needs his eye candy."

While Jaune coughed and sputtered out his refusal, Pyrrha simply gave her usual demure, 'I'm a wise and benevolent Goddess,' smile and quietly spoke with, "I'm sure Jaune's vision feasts enough in his own dorm room." She took a small bite of Jaune's pancakes, savoring the taste with an almost blissful smile across her features.

Yang rolled her eyes and turned to Jaune, who was pointedly ignoring his red-haired partner in favor of opening up his Scroll, thumbing through the CCT network. "So, Jauney-boy, anything interesting on the CCT?"

"Hm?" Jaune turned his attention back up to Yang for a brief, questioning moment. "Oh, I'm just checking the news. Nothing new, honestly." His gaze dipped back down and he began to murmur, "White Fang, White Fang, Dust robberies, some old lady's missing cat...yeah, nothing ne-" he stopped in mid speech, a look of shock falling over his face, quickly replaced by exasperation. "For the love of Dust..."

"Hm?" Yang leaned forward to try and catch a glimpse of what Jaune was so annoyed about. Her fellow blond snapped the Scroll shut in an instant, causing her to jump. "Hey, what was going on?"

Jaune affixed her with a strange look before shaking his head. "N-nothing. Nothing at all." _Just photos of you in cosplay that_ _ **you yourself**_ _uploaded._ "Just...just some strange pictures someone uploaded on the CCT, after all."

Yang gave a raspberry noise, sticking her tongue out. "What, looking up porn?"

Pyrrha, Weiss and Blake's head snapped up, almost glaring at Jaune. The blond rolled his eyes in return. "No. Something far more mentally damaging."

"Jeeze," Yang continued, smirking, "You almost make it sound like you stumbled upon pictures of Professor Port in the nude or somethi-" She froze, her face twisting in to paroxysms of fear and disgust as her mind proceeded to unwillingly produce the horrific mental image. Seconds later, the faces of everyone at the table save for Ruby, (Who was too innocent to conjure up such terrors,) and Ren (who had unsurpassed mental strength) were producing the same image.

Seconds later, the sounds of six students could be heard vomiting up their delicious pancakes, cries of horror and despair echoing through Beacon Academy…

 **[Beacon Academy – JNPR Dorm Room]**

"...anyway, I'm sorry to have ruined breakfast." Yang finished, leaning against the door frame, half in and half out of team JNPR's dorm room.

Jaune waved his hand. "Look, it's fine. Everyone got to eat some anyway before we...er...ejected the meal."

"Still," Yang murmured, the barest hint of pink settling on her cheeks, "I know how much you enjoy cooking and having people eat your cooking. By the way, that is a pretty attractive quality in a guy..." Yang winked at Jaune playfully, earning a wry smile in return.

"As my sisters have told me." Jaune shot back.

"Sisters?"

"Yep." Jaune nodded sagely. "Seven of them, in fact."

"Oh jeeze...no wonder you're so used to being surrounded by women. Hm. I'd like to meet them. Bet they've got all sorts of embarrassing stories to tell." Yang smirked.

"Right. Mental note to self; keep you away from family at all costs." Jaune playfully snarked back.

Yang stepped forward and smacked him on the shoulder, earning a small wince from the young man. "Aw come on, I'm just playing. Anyway, I felt kinda bad about ruining breakfast, so I...kinda might have sorta sent you a present to your Scroll account."

Jaune cocked an eyebrow. "You...shouldn't have?" He stared at Yang who stared back expectantly, smirking. Slowly he withdrew his Scroll from his pocket and opened it up. There was a single message blinking in his inbox. He tapped on it, letting it open up, noticing the message was, indeed, from Yang. Apparently it had an attachment, or attachment _s_ to be precise. He opened up the first one and...well, if he had drinks to spit, he would have been spraying liquid across the room. He was thankful for the fact that Ren, Nora and especially Pyrrha were all currently in classes. "Yang?"

"Yes, Jauney-boy?" Came Yang's playful response.

"Why did you send me half-naked cosplay photos?" He shook his head. "Scratch that, you might as well be naked. I only can tell who you are supposed to be cosplaying by the fact that you have Sailor Luna's headband on..." Jaune sighed as he finished with, "...and nothing else."Below, on his scroll, were photos of Yang in suggestive poses, her naughty bits covered by strategic positioning of Sailor Luna's wand, and her own hands.

Yang waggled her eyebrows up and down, grinning widely...then froze. "Wait. Wait, you know about Sailor Luna?!"

"Yeah." Jaune shrugged nonchalantly, not noticing the sudden intense look in Yang's eyes. "My sisters used to watch it all the time. Occasionally they'd forcefully drag me into binge watching sessions with them."

"You know..." Yang started off, grinning from ear to ear, "You look like a _lot_ like Tuxedo Sash..." Yang trailed off, fixing Jaune with a knowing look.

"No."Jaune snapped, cutting her off.

" _Come on!_ " Yang cried out, balling her hands into fists. "I need a cosplay buddy! Magical Girl Yang-chan needs her Tuxedo Sash!"

Jaune glowered. "Not happening."

"Oh come on! I gave you dirty pics of me!" Yang half whined, crossing her arms.

"Pics I didn't ask for."

Yang thought for a moment, then added, "I'll give you dirtier pics..." she singsonged.

Jaune groaned. "Please don't." Before Yang could angrily retort, Jaune quickly held up a hand, interrupting her. "I'm not saying you aren't attractive; quite the opposite, to be honest. I just...erm...I'd feel bad about having dirty pictures of you. I mean, there's more to you than just your...admittedly impressive bosom, you know."

Yang smiled softly. "Aww, Jauney-boy, you're gonna make me blush, you know that?" She tapped her finger against her chin for a few moments as the room went silent. Jaune felt a slight sense of relief that Yang had bought his flimsy excuse. He just didn't want to be caught with anything that would set off his insane partner, Blake, or Weiss.

 _Actually, come to think of it, why is Weiss so against me banging random women? Blake and Pyrrha I get, kind of. They're jealous. Weiss though...doesn't she hate my guts?_

It was Yang snapping her fingers that drew Jaune out of his personal introspection. "I got it!"

"Got what?"

"If you don't become my cosplay buddy...I'll send you dirty photos, _while you're in class_!" Yang grinned at him evilly.

"Did you not just hear a word I said?" Jaune exclaimed, glaring at the buxom blond brawler, receiving only an ever widening mischievous smirk in return.

"Soooo?"

Jaune groaned again. "Fine, _but no dirty cosplay!_ " Jaune snapped, leveling a finger at Yang. The young woman smiled from ear to ear and leaned forward, before pretending to jerk forward to take a bite of his finger. Jaune pulled it back and Yang leaned in even closer, lavender eyes gleaming with an...intriguing light.

"You say that now..." Yang purred. Jaune cocked an eyebrow, his expression more curious than anything. However, he didn't have a chance to speak another word as Yang abruptly grabbed his arm and yanked him off of his bed where he'd been sitting, speeding out the door. "Come on, Vomit Boy!" she cried enthusiastically, almost dragging him across Beacon's halls. "Time to celebrate this beautiful new partnership with a drinky-drink! To Junior's!"

"Wha-hey! Stop! You're pulling my arm out of its damn socket! Come on!" Jaune shouted, trying to get her attention, but the blond girl seemed to be too intent on dragging him to a nightclub to celebrate her acquisition of someone to model with, and Jaune could only sigh as his body flailed behind her. _Well, maybe if I'm lucky, Neo will be there...who knows, maybe she's into cosplay too?_

 **[Vale – Junior's]**

 _Boom!_

With a deafening crash, the doors to Junior burst open on their hinges, and in stepped one Yang Xiao Long with an ear to ear grin. "Hello, my people!"

"Oh god," the sound of Junior's voice could be heard nearby, "Not you!"

Jaune looked over to see the bearded barkeeper and information broker staring at the two of them with a mix of fear and exasperation. The blond boy gave a tilt of his head and a small frown. "Wait, what? What'd I do?"

"Besides talked my ear off last time you were in here? And why did you bring her?!" Junior pointed at Yang, his face going almost pale.

"Like, oh, **my god** ," a voice caught Jaune's attention and he turned to see a pair of twins with pale skin and black hair standing behind Junior, opposite arms akimbo. "Like, it's that **cow** bitch!"

Yang slowly turned to the twins, an evil smile on her lips. "I'm sorry," she replied faux sweetly, cracking her knuckles, "What did you say?" The twins paled, and each took a step back in unison.

"L-like...w-w-we m-mean valued customer?" One of the twins, dressed in a white dress, managed to squeak out.

"Damn straight, now, two Strawberry Sunrises, stat! With ice and-"

"And, like, those little umbrella's. Yeah. We got it." The other twin, dressed in red, muttered back. Both of them quickly turned on their overly long heels and sashayed away to the bar.

Junior stepped closer to them, crossing his arms in an attempt to try and look intimidating. "You ain't here to cause any more trouble, are you blondie?"

Yang waved her hand nonchalantly. "Nah. Just taking my friend here out for a drink."

"You got friends?" Junior smirked.

Jaune deadpanned, glaring slightly. "Keep it up smart ass. _I'll_ be the one to cause trouble if you keep it up."

Junior looked him up and down before laughing and turning on his heel. "Real funny kid. I'd rather not have Goldielocks wreck this place again though, so you're fine." The large man walked away, leaving Yang and Jaune standing side by side at the door.

"Alright, let's go get us some alcohol!" Yang exclaimed.

Jaune nodded, but then stopped a few feet forward, his face in thought. He reached a hand forward and tapped Yang on the shoulder. "So...what exactly did you do?"

Yang gave a sheepish grin and scratched the back of her head, sticking out her tongue. "Oh, kinda got into a little _teeny_ bar fight?" Jaune cocked an eyebrow questioningly, earning a fake shocked expression from Yang, who put a hand to her bosom. "I'm perfectly innocent! Really!"

"Why do I find that idea so hard to believe?" Jaune rolled his eyes.

"Hey!" Yang reared a hand up and punched him in the shoulder, earning a painful hiss from Jaune. He rubbed his shoulder, frowning at his buxom friend.

"Look, I'm just saying, if this club blows up, I'm blaming you." Jaune muttered dryly.

Yang huffed angrily. "I am _not_ going to blow up the club!" She paused, then added, "Again."

"If you keep this up, Yang, I'm really going to need that drink. We just got here, at least _try_ to behave?"

Yang winked, and started walking forward with Jaune in tow, making their way to the bar. "You don't want me to be a _bad_ girl? Or does your heart belong to that little honey you picked up here the last time?"

Jaune almost tripped in place, his eyes widening. "W-wait, you remember _that_?!"

"Ha! You act like I haven't tried a bit of the sticky icky myself. You're talking to Remnant's number one party girl! I've dabbled in a little bit of everything," Yang explained, flipping her hair over her shoulder. "Don't worry though, I won't tell anyone. I'm all for free love and that jazz. Gotta ask though, how was she?"

Jaune gave a short chuckle. "Incredible. She's a petite girl, but _really_ flexible."

Yang approached the table and picked up her Strawberry Sunrise, raising her glass. "Hm. Think she might be interested in a threesome?"

Jaune began to open his mouth to deny it, then stopped and tilted his head. "You know...she honestly just might. She seems kinky like that." Jaune shrugged. He picked up his own glass, and took a sip. "Mm. Rum. You know, technically I'm not even allowed to be drinking this."

"Pfft," Yang gave a dismissive noise, leaning against the countertop in a way that not only seemed sensuous, but accentuated her body's natural curves. Jaune had to avoid looking directly at her, although he did take a few aside glances, quietly appreciating the view. "Really? You're worried about underage drinking? You've not only been here before, but banged some random girl too."

"Hm? Oh, no, it's not that. See, funny story, first time I actually had alcohol was in Atlas about two years ago, when I was fifteen. My dad, a couple of my sisters, and I all were in Atlas to go to visit some extended family. While we were there, I'd asked my old man if I could have a sip of his Rum. I tried it, liked it, and since he and my sisters were there, and Atlas paradoxically has laxer drinking laws than Vale, they figured I could have a bit more. Turns out I could hold my liquor better than anyone thought." Jaune mused. Internally, he found it interesting just how easy it was to talk to Yang. Maybe it was because she felt...normal? Despite a passion for cosplay, she was pretty down to earth.

"What's the problem then? Sounds to me like your old man would have been fine with you drinking." Yang tilted her head, then took another sip of her drink.

"Well," Jaune took another gulp of his own drink, "One drink turned to two, which turned to three and..." Jaune trailed off, taking another drink, and frowned when only a few drop spilled out onto his tongue. "Hang on. 'scuse me, girls?" Jaune asked the twins, who'd been milling about on the other end of the bar. "Could you hook me up with another one of these, please?"

The twin dressed in white gave a small smile and nodded. "Sure. Like, at least **you're** polite."

Yang huffed, rolling her eyes. While the girl in white began to mix Jaune's drink, he turned back to his blond companion. "Well, I don't quite recall what happened, actually. I kind of blacked out. One minute, I'm downing some drinks and making jokes with my sisters, the next moment, I'm waking up on an airplane with my sisters on either side of me, looking like someone put them through the wringer. My dad didn't look much better either. On top of that, my passport was rejected from Atlas. To top it all off, my dad forbade me from ever drinking ever again. Hell, I'm not even allowed _near_ Rum." Jaune finished his story with a chuckle, and reached out to catch a sliding glass of Strawberry Sunrise without even looking at it.

"Wow." Yang whistled low. "You don't recall what happened at all?"

"Nope, but my dad was like... _super_ serious about me not drinking. 'course, I don't have to tell you about rebelling against authority and all that. I figure, as long as I don't get black out drunk again, I should be all cool. I'm pretty good against knowing how close I am to being drunk anyway, so I shouldn't have to worry about it." Jaune shrugged, and proceeded to down his glass once more.

"Yeah. My dad is pretty laid back, but..." Yang trailed off, adopting a slightly disgusted look.

"What's wrong with him?"

"Well, he won't tell Ruby and I, but he _never_ leaves our home island of Patch. I think it's because..." Yang trailed off and drew her lips into a thin line. "Sorry, we're here to have fun, not whine about parents."

Jaune decided to avoid pressing whatever issue Yang might have had with her father. _Can you say daddy issues?_ He drank down his drink, slamming the drink down on the bar top with a breathe of enjoyment. "Well, at least the company is fine. Pity my little ice-cream partner didn't show up, but we can still have fun on our own."

Yang raised an eyebrow and leaned in close, close enough to where Jaune could suddenly feel the heat from her mouth on his own lips, and for a brief moment, thought Yang might be going in for a kiss, but all she did was give a low murmur of, "Oh, are you going to give me the same thing you gave her?"

Jaune stared into her lavender eyes for a few moments, the sound of the dancing and crowds around them drowning out the sound of his heart beating in his chest, before his mouth slowly turned up with a playful smile. "Play your cards right, and I just might..."

 **[Two hours later…]**

"Hey…Yang…?" Jaune managed to slur out, his mind feeling fuzzy. "H-how...how much alcohol is in those...Strawberry Sunrises?" Jaune's tone was the same slow and deliberate tone a drunkard would use to convince others that he wasn't plastered.

"Ish...ish got a lot." Yang slurred in return. Somehow during their flirting and conversation, Yang had found herself literally sitting on Jaune, facing him. If he hadn't been two sheets to the wind, the young man might have been embarrassed, aroused, or both to have the beautiful, buxom blond sitting on him so intimately. As it was, however, Jaune was busy trying to clear his head of the cotton that seemed to fill his brain cavity.

"Cog...cognish..." Jaune shook his head. "Cognizant! I can shtill say the word 'cognizant,' sho I'm not drunk. A-another Strawberry...thingy..." Jaune snapped his fingers. "Please, garcon!"

Melenie Malachite rolled her eyes with an irritated sigh and, proceeded to mix up her fifteenth Strawberry Sunrise that night, sliding it down to the now hammered Jaune. Like had with the previous seven, he proceeded to knock it back and turned his attention back to Yang. "You...you gotsh...lovely boobies."

Yang grinned a drunken grin and grabbed his hands placing them directly atop her lovely mounds. "Go..." She hiccuped. "Go ahead..." Yang waited...and waited...and realized that Jaune wasn't moving. "H-hey! You can't fall ashleep! Play with my boobsh!" Jaune continued to be silent, his gaze dull and distant. Slowly, he got up, sliding Yang off of his lap and onto the floor with a _thud_ and with a zombie like gait, proceeded to walk away from his companion, toward the back door. "H-hey!" Yang cried out, feeling both angry and neglected. However, her anger turned to concern when she noticed him shuffling past dancers and such, pushing them aside in a hypnotic trance.

To make matters even stranger, Yang swore she could hear faint music above the current dubstep of the night, music that didn't make any sense for the club scene. Jaune proceeded to walk out the back door, vanishing into the night. The blond woman tried to get up, taking a couple of tries to get to her feet. The room seemed to sway and she shook her head, channeling her Aura through her body to try and stave off some of the effects of the alcohol. What happened? Why did he suddenly seem like he was hypnotized? Wait...he mentioned something about Atlas, and him being drunk before? Staggering through the club floor, she trudged her way toward the back entrance to find her drunk friend.

She stumbled out the door and looked around. The street was filled with cars and people walking by Junior's but not a single person seemed to be paying her any mind. Even worse, Jaune was nowhere to be found. "J-Jaune?" Yang drunkenly yelled out. "Where are you?" No answer from anyone around.

That was when the ground began to shake.

Everyone began to scream, and cries of, "Grimm!" could be heard yelled by the civilians all about. Yang, despite being drunk, still had sense of mind to prepare for combat, prepping Ember Celica. She waited for something to come into view, even as crowds of civilians screamed and ran, the ground shaking still. A loud rumbling could be heard, like the sound of something burrowing through the ground.

Then, the music began to play.

The only term Yang could use for it was, 'pirate metal.' The sound seemed to come from everywhere at once, like someone had set up speakers on every building around. "What…th' hellsh goin' on?"

 _When I come back from a mighty quest_ _  
_ _I have no need for sleep or rest_ _  
_ _I head to a tavern for a drink_ _  
_ _And get so drunk I cannot think!_ _  
_ _A wench by my side and a jug of mead_ _  
_ _These are the things that I most need_ _  
_ _So I sit back and sing this song_ _  
_ _And drink and party all night long!_ __

 _Hey! Hey!_ _  
_ _I want more wenches_ _  
_ _Hey! Hey!_ _  
_ _More wenches and mead_ _  
_ _Hey! Hey!_ _  
_ _I want more wenches_ _  
_ _Lots of wenches is what I need!_

Yang blinked in confusion. Who the hell was playing that strange melody? The rumbling grew louder and more violent, and Yang could barely keep standing, turning her head to the direction she assumed the phenomenon was coming from. That's when she saw _it._ A full on wooden galleon, with its sails blowing in the breeze. It's figure head was a mermaid with a bosom that rivaled Yang's and she could see canons sticking out both sides of the ship. It was literally sailing, _sailing_ through land! It's prow was literally carving a furrow through the Vale streets, crushing or knocking aside cars and causing the rumbling as it somehow made its way forward, propelled through unknown means.

But that wasn't the craziest part.

That would belong to her fellow blond himself, standing at the prow of the ship. He was wearing along red and gold coat, and in one hand was a cutlass with three blades. His leg was up on a barrel, and upon his hat was a large, wide brimmed hat with a large multicolored feather stuck in the band. He was grinning from ear to ear, and for some reason, was even wearing an eyepatch.

"Jaune?!" Yang yelled out. "What the hell...where did you even...how the fuck..." Yang couldn't form a full sentence, only able to spit out half questions as she stared up at her friend. Jaune looked down and sneered.

" _Who the hell be Jaune? Ye be talking to Captain Yellowbeard, scourge of Remnant's seas, and I be here to plunder yer booty!_ " Jaune cried out with _the_ most stereotypical pirate accent Yang had ever heard.

She fell silent for a few moments, before her drunken mind could come up with a decent answer.

"Wait...the treasure kind, or the sexual kind?"

Yang was answered with silence for a few moments as Jaune's face adopted a thoughtful look before he shrugged and responded with, "For ye? A bit of both."

The buxom blond grinned. Maybe it was the alcohol talking, but the idea of having her booty plundered?

Sounded like a blast.

 _Death Count: 2,043_

 **Next on Immortal: Of Booty, Wenches and Hunters**

" _Give me your best students!"_

" _You can have my...er...seventh...best students."_

" _We've only been here for five minutes! How the hell did you find a party already?!"_

" _I've always wanted to be Yellowbeard's First Mate!"_

" _Lucky for you, I be looking for a few good crewmates! If ye have a taste for wenches, booze and blood, then come aboard!_ "

" _I'm Sun Wukong! This is Neptune Vasilias, Sage Ayana, and the man who you made your first mate is Scarlet David! Together, we're Team SSSN, and we'll follow you to the ends of Remnant, Captain!"_

" _Hey! I'm plenty saucy! Get back here!"_

" _Sadly for ye, Ironwood, but now, ye walk the plank!"_

" _Fo' shizzle mah nizzle, Em!"_

" _Don't worry, Mercury...everything is going according to plan..."_

 _ **Author's Note: Hey there! I know it's been a while, but I will not be dropping your daily dose of insanity and pure crack! Hopefully this should tide you all over until the next chapter. Can't give up on the NUMBER 5 MOST FOLLOWED RWBY FIC! (I think. I'm not sure how the ratings work, but I think I found them? If I'm wrong, this will look absolutely silly.) Anyway, I got to get to work on the next chapter of Moonlit Sonata, and Mirror (and don't forget Ninja in Love!) My hands are full, but I will keep writing on, just for you folks!**_

 _ **As usual, remember to leave a review!**_


	14. Of Booty, Wenches and Hunters

_**Pre-Author's Note: Sorry for the lack of updates over the past three weeks! It turns out I had a bad case of Bronchitis that was actually starting to develop into Pneumonia. Luckily, I got to the doctor's in time and managed to get a nice set of strong anti-biotics and a steroid inhaler to help me breathe better, and now, while I may not be at 100%, I'm still doing pretty good! Hopefully this chapter will make up for the lack of updates, and I'll try to get back into a semi-semblance (ha, get it, semblance?) of a schedule. Anyway, please enjoy the latest offering of utter insanity!**_

* * *

 _Pardon me, but have you heard the good word of:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 14: Of Booty, Wenches and Hunters**

* * *

 **[Beacon – Emerald Tower – Ozpin's Office]**

" _See?! See?!_ " James Ironwood pointed at the holoscreen with the irritating air of someone who someone who'd just had a stupid theory verified. " _They called me mad, but there he is!_ "

On said holoscreen, a massive galleon could be seen tearing its way through Vale proper, a figure dressed in red and gold at its prow, a buxom blond woman seen behind him, looking quite worried. Or drunk. Either way, Ozpin could only groan and pinch the bridge of his nose. He'd already added liquor to his coffee, but now, after seeing the events unfold before him, he was beginning to wonder if he should skip the coffee entirely and just stick to straight up alcohol. The worst part was?

He recognized 'Yellowbeard.'

It was none other than Jaune Arc. When the young blond man had said he was willing to break every and any rule to get out of Beacon, he was evidently playing for keeps. A small part of him was wondering where the hell Jaune had gotten his hand on a land-sailing galleon. The rest of him was currently trying to figure out how he could manage to keep the Valian Council from finding out about Jaune's student status and removing his only source of entertainment for the next four years. Well, that and trying to figure out how to stop the pirate costumed young man's rampage from causing any more damage.

"We must stop him at all costs! I'll send every available unit after him-" James began, jerking Ozpin out of his internal musing.

"NO! No, no...I-I mean, yes, he's a danger, but...with all the army after him, won't the people panic more? Better to send in an elite group of hunters to deal with this problem so the people of Vale can continue to have faith in their hunters." Ozpin tried to reason with the general.

James looked like he wanted to complain for a few moments, but relented and sighed. "You're right. Still, who can stand up to Yellowbeard's might? His destructive power? His charisma?! Ozpin!" James slammed his hand onto Ozpin's desk, almost knocking over the older Headmaster's special brew, much to his annoyance. "Give me your best students!"

The bespectacled man froze and grimaced. His best students? Even if they could get the job done, (which he was beginning to doubt as the Arc boy seemed to be defying...well, just about every law in the physics books) he needed the boy alive, not turned into mincemeat. Or worse, exposed and arrested! Who could stop him though? What did he even want? Was this just his way of rebelling, or was he simply so drunk that he was defying the laws of reality itself? Ozpin stroked his chin. "You can have my...er, seventh best students."

James flinched back as though struck, his expression horrified. "Only seventh?! What ever happened to foreign hospitality?!"

"That has literally nothing to do with the current situation," Ozpin began, rolling his eyes, "And even if it did, that doesn't count if said person happens to be friends with the person giving said hospitality in the first place. Though, I use the term 'friend' in this case, lightly." Ozpin murmured the last part into his coffee mug, ignoring the terrible attempt at puppy dog eyes that the General of the Atlas Army was giving him.

James sighed and slumped forward. "Very well...I knew I should have brought Specialist Schnee along with me..."

* * *

 **[Atlas – Unknown Location]**

" _Atchoo!_ " Atlasian Specialist Winter Schnee gave a mighty sneeze, pausing momentarily in mid combat to wipe her noise daintily with a handkerchief she'd kept in her pocket. "Hm. I'm getting sick. I must be forgetting to take my daily multivitamin again."

"Or," A gruff voice responded, a sword intercepting an Ursa who'd strayed too close to the white haired beauty, "The writer is an unoriginal hack who just pulled the 'someone sneezing when someone else is talking about them' cliché in order to introduce you."

Winter rolled her eyes and impaled a Beowulf with a lightning quick stab. "'Writer?' What on Remnant are you talking about? Are you drunk again?"

Qrow Branwen, Ozpin's right hand man and Hunter extraordinaire, grinned. "Not as drunk as most authors make me. Don't be jealous I get a much more awesome introduction than you do." With a flick of his wrist and the sound of gears clicking into place, the man's blade swiftly transformed into a wicked looking scythe, which was used post-haste to remove the top half of an Ursa from its bottom half. "Come to think of it, what the hell are we doing here? The Author just sort of has us fighting with each other somewhere in Atlas. Is this some sort of mission? Why am I helping you? Details, I need them!" With that, Qrow reached into his pocket and with one swift movement, opened it and began to gulp down the contents.

"Did you not pay attention to the mission briefing at all, you drunken hobo?!" Winter snapped, summoning a pale blue and white copy of a Beowulf to rush into the fray, clawing at its ebony brethren, biting at any flesh it could reach.

"Oh, sure, I did," Qrow countered, his scythe spinning like a maelstrom of death, cutting down Grimm like so many blades of grass, "but the readers have no idea what's going on, other than that we're killing Grimm!"

"What readers?! Authors? Is this just some fairy tale for you, you lush?!" Winter practically screamed in frustration, glaring daggers at her unwanted companion.

"Please," Qrow chuckled, cutting down a Griffon before throwing his scythe up into the air, letting it decapitate a passing juvenile Nevermore before letting it land at his side, all while taking a drink of his flask, "A fairy tale would be _much_ better written than this tripe..."

Winter gave a groan and proceeded to flash around the tundra plain upon which she and Qrow had been fighting, Grimm surrounding them on all sides. "Why couldn't I have had a better partner?! Why did General Ironwood make me do this?"

"'Cause the fandom likes shipping you and I together for some reason, despite the fact that I'm probably like...ten years your senior or more. Oh, and hey, we finally have scenery!" Qrow picked up his scythe and tossed it, causing it to slice through a row of Grimm before bouncing off of a buried bolder and ricocheting back to him, the Huntsman catching it with ease. "'course, the readers are probably gonna have a field day with all of my fourth wall breaking. I can only imagine what the comments will be like..."

Winter twitched, her face going red before finally giving one last scream of, " _Will you shut up already?!_ "

Qrow simply sighed and shook his head. "Great," He muttered to himself, taking one last drink of his flask, the Grimm closing further in on them, "The author's written her like a bitch in this one too..."

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy – Loading Docks]**

By 'seventh best students,' Ozpin had apparently meant Teams RWBY (minus one blond brawler who'd been out drinking that night and one cat Faunus who'd went down to Vale to buy her monthly supply of batteries) and JNPR (minus one blond knight, who was also conspicuously missing.). James had escorted them from the Emerald Tower where Ozpin had called them up and had given them the mission briefing along the way. This of course, presented problems already. Namely, that both Nora and Ruby had gone haywire with excitement upon hearing the knowledge that they'd get to fight an 'honest-to-goodness-real-life-pirate.'

"I hope he has a baby Nevermore on his shoulder like in the movies!" Ruby shouted excitedly. "Ooh, does his ship have canons?! Does he have treasure?!" The young reaper bounced up and down, silver eyes shining.

"Please, Ms. Rose, calm down!" General Ironwood chastised the young girl. "This is serious business! Yellowbeard is highly dangerous! I've fought him before. Your task is to maintain cover fire while I duel the fiend himself! We must take him down now, before he shanghais or even recruits others into his crew!"

"Um...no offense, General," Pyrrha began hesitantly, "This seems almost...well, personal, honestly."

James clenched his fist and shook it, closing his eyes and raising his face to the night sky. "True, I do have a personal stake in this, but I can assure you, I will not allow this to interfere in bringing this threat to Valean peace to justice! He will not get away with causing panic in another kingdom!"

"Wow..." Ruby murmured, "So heroic..."

Ren, who'd been busy trying to keep Nora distracted long enough to find out exactly what they were trying to do, could only sigh and mutter under his own breath, "I don't think heroic is the right word..."

"Now, we'll take a Bullhead down into Vale proper and from there, we'll attempt to dive onto Yellowbeard's ship. From there, I'll fight Yellowbeard one on one, while the rest of you provide support, as well as fight off any potential crew members. With any luck, we'll have this threat taken care of by the end of the night!" James shouted, pumping a fist into the air.

"Yeah!" Behind him, Nora and Ruby shouted their agreement and jumped into the air, throwing their own fists. The rest of the group, however, looked far less enthusiastic, instead choosing to give nervous grimaces in varying shades of being unnerved.

* * *

 **[Vale – Bullhead Landing Docks]**

"At long last, Vale!" This was the cry of one Neptune Vasilias, team member of Team SSSN and currently impromptu airship pilot. The blue haired Huntsman in training stumbled out onto the Loading Docks, stretching. "I thought that we'd never see land!"

"Oi! Quit'cher whinin' love." Scarlet David followed close behind, rolling his neck and producing a series of concerning pops and cracks. "'s not my fault you're a pansy who can't hop the pond without wettin' your knickers. 'm I roight, or'm I roight, Sage?"

With a low grunt, yet another figure emerged from the Bullhead. Green haired and dark skinned, one Sage Ayana stepped forth, adjusting his sword strapped across his back. He too stretched and rolled his shoulders, eliciting pops from the joints. After a few moments, he slowly began to open his mouth as if to speak, but before he could utter anything, he found himself getting cut off.

"I am _not_ afraid of water!" Neptune growled, advancing on his crimson haired teammate. "I was just getting bored of being cramped up in that tiny hold!

"Roight, and Sun is a responsible team leader." Scarlet rolled his eyes and crossed his arms.

"Speaking of which, where is he? Wasn't he supposed to meet us here?" Neptune muttered, looking about the docks. "And is it just me, or are there a lot of people...leaving Vale?"

"Now that you mention it, it does look like an evacuation, love." Scarlet scratched his chin. Sage walked up next to him and frowned. "Wonder what they're evacuating from."

Sage looked into the distance and his eyes widened. Just above the rooftops, he could see clearly to be what looked like a set of masts and sails, as if some massive galleon was currently sailing _through_ the city itself. Flying high atop the highest mast was a black flag, with a skull and crossbones on it, complete with a yellow beard adorning the jaw of the skull. Sage pointed to the flag and began to speak, but once again found himself getting cut off by Neptune.

"I swear, if Sun has something to do with this, I'm going to kick his ass!" Neptune growled. "Him and his damn parties!"

As if on cue, there was the sound of someone hiccuping and a slurred bout of laughter. "Neptune! My main man!" The three team members of Team SSSN turned around to see their blond, shirtless, Faunus leader stumbling up to them. Atop his head he wore a lampshade, and a tie was hanging loosely from his head like a bandana. "Wha...whasshup guys?!"

Neptune's eye twitched and his hands shot forward to grip his partner and team leader's shoulders. "Sun?"

"Y-*hic*-eah?" Sun grinned stupidly, his swaying being held in check by Neptune's vicious grip.

"We've been here only five minutes...how the _hell_ did you find a party already?!" Neptune began shaking Sun and growling.

"D-d-d-d-dude!" Sun managed to spit out, his head lolling back and forth. "I-I-I c-c-can alwa-a-a-a-ys f-f-find a pa-a-a-arty!"

"Did you have something to do with all of these people flying out of here?!" Neptune snapped, almost in a panic.

"N-no dude!" Sun shook his head. "I just had a few drinks, flirted with some crazy hot cat-girl Faunus and came here!"

Sage tapped Neptune on the shoulder, his gaze still following the pirate flag as it made its way through the Valian skyline. "Not now, Sage! We've got to figure out why everyone's running away!"

"Heh, maybe it'sh because they heard you were piloting the Bullhead to come to Vale...*hic*" Sun chuckled, earning a death glare from his partner.

"I am a _top notch pilot_! How dare you insinuate anything less than that! They're probably trying to avoid your insane partying and terrible pick-up lines!" Neptune snapped back.

"Aw, dude," Sun began, looking dejected, "My pick up lines are awesome..."

Sage took a deep breath to speak up again, his face contorting in frustration from being repeatedly cut off, when once again someone spoke before he could. "Oi! It...it's..." Scarlet David looked like he'd just had just won the lottery, was hit on by a supermodel and declared King of Mistral all at once.

"Dude...is that a pirate flag?" Sun asked, blinking in confusion.

"Pirate flag?!" Neptune yelled, turning in place to see what everyone was looking at. "Oum in heaven, just how drunk...are...you..." Neptune's voice trailed off in shock as he watched the yellow-bearded skull and crossbones sail across Vale's skyline as though there were water there as opposed to paved roads. "What the hell…?"

"It's Yellowbeard!" Scarlet cried out, eyes sparkling and hands clasped to his chest in excitement. "'e's always been my hero! I've always wanted to be Yellowbeard's First Mate!"

"Wait...isn't he supposed to be dead or old or somethin'?" Sun muttered, continuing to sway in place, blinking bleary-eyed as his Aura worked on negating his drunkenness.

"Shows what you know!" Scarlet exclaimed. "'e was spotted two years ago in Atlas! 'caused all sorts o' trouble 'e did! They said that by the time 'e was finished with 'is rampage, 'e shagged no less than twenty wenches," As soon as Scarlet said that, Sun and Neptune's eyes lit up with excitement, "'e drank no less than twenty barrels o' rum," with that, Sage's eyes widened in surprise, "And even beat General Ironwood 'imself!"

"Holy crap...he sounds like a bonafide badass!" Neptune breathed in shock. "D...do you think he needs a crew? 'cause all those wenches sounds awesome..."

"Hell yeah, and the booze?" Sun added, grinning from ear to ear.

Sage, with a worried gaze, raised a finger and opened his mouth, only to be interrupted, yet again. "'course 'e does! We'll prove to 'im that we're the best Team in all Remnant!" With that, Sun and Neptune gave a cheer and Scarlet ran off, the other two following in close pursuit. Only Sage stayed behind, giving a deep sigh and shaking his head before following closely behind, faint sounds of muttering trailing behind him.

* * *

 **[Vale – Vale Streets]**

Forty-five minutes after having come aboard the HMS _Indigo Steel_ and Yang Xiao Long was not only growing more sober than she'd like, but starting to regret her decision. Not only had Jaune- sorry, _Yellowbeard_ not plundered her booty like he'd said he would, but he'd been causing a bit more havoc in Vale than Yang was comfortable with. This led to a number of problems. Mainly, she'd tried to stop him, and before she could say, "you're too drunk, stop drinking more rum," she found herself getting this snot kicked out of her and thrown into the ships brig. From her cell, she could hear Jaune laughing in the most stereotypical pirate laugh she'd ever heard.

"Yar-har-har!" The laugh was puncutated by the sound of cannon fire and masonry crumbling beneath the assault. A loud screeching caw could be heard, a reminder that somehow, Jaune had managed to tame a baby Nevermore, which was currently atop his shoulder like a parrot. Yang growled and punched the wall, causing part of the wooden wall to crack. She grinned.

She timed her hits with the canon fire, until eventually she'd managed to punch a hole through the wooden barrier and to the outside of the ship. This was getting absurd. To make matters even worse yet, that damn pirate metal wouldn't stop playing! She couldn't even figure out where it was coming from. By all accounts, the music was actually emanating from Jaune himself! She needed to stop him before he caused any more damage to Vale, but how? She couldn't fight him by herself, that was already established. She was still too drunk to actually fight at her best. She needed help. Yang leaped out of the hole in the side of the ship and landed to the ground below, pulling out her Scroll.

Her fingers quickly typed out the number of Ruby's Scroll and she waited for her sister and team leader to pick up. However, the Scroll rang and rang and rang, with still no answer. Yang groaned and stormed off toward the Bullhead Loading Docks to see about getting a ride back to Beacon to get reinforcements. As she did however, a shout stopped her in her tracks.

"A-HOY AND AVAST, CAPTAIN! PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD!"

The ship came to a grinding halt and Yang watched as a group of four (very attractive, in her opinion) men stepped forth from an alleyway. One of them, wearing his own pirate garb, stepped forward grinning from ear to ear. Her...friend, stepped to the prow of the ship and leaned forward, looking down at the newcomers. "...Why did ye greet me twice?"

The red-headed pirate coughed nervously and scratched the back of his head. "Erm, s-sorry Captain. A-anyway, PERMISSION TO COME ABOARD!"

'Yellowbeard' cocked an eyebrow, but shrugged and relented. "Very well ye scurvy dogs!" A rope ladder was thrown down and three out of the four men gave each other excited looks, with only the fourth, a tall, mocha skinned and green-haired man, giving a look of trepidation. The four climbed aboard, and Yang grimaced. This couldn't be good, Yellowbeard acquiring a crew? If his swath of destruction hadn't been bad enough, a crew could help him cause more havoc, more effectively. The girl proceeded to take off at a run toward the Bullhead Docks. It was time to stop a pirate.

Meanwhile, aboard the ship, Scarlet David stood upon the deck of the HMS _Indigo Steele_ with a smile that split his face. Next to him, Sun and Neptune were breathing in awe. "Dude!" Sun murmured, eyes wide. "A real pirate ship..."

"On land, no less..." Neptune continued.

"What be ye scurvy dogs talking about? We be upon the seas! Ye must need yer eyes checked! Either that, or get you a decent eye patch. What do ye want anyway? Are ye here to parley? Or be ye here to cross blades?! Talk, or I'll keelhaul the lot of ye!" Yellowbeard crowed, his baby Nevermore screeching as a punctuation. The pirate swung his blade and the sound of cannon fire could be heard, causing the front end of a nearby building to collapse.

Sage began to speak, but Scarlet stepped in front of him, eyes sparkling with joy. "Oi, we wish t' join your crew, we do! 've always been a fan o' yours, Yellowbeard!"

"Ye want to join me crew, do ye?" Yellowbeard murmured. "Well, lucky for ye, I be looking for a few good crewmen! If ye have a taste for wenches, booze and blood, then come aboard! We'll shape ye all up into the best damn pirate crew to ever ravage these seas! You there, boy!" Yellowbeard pointed his triple cutlass at Scarlet.

"Y-yes, my captain?!"

"Yer me new first mate. Don't be disappointing me! Actually, who be all of ye anyway?"

Sun stepped forward, saluting the young pirate. "I'm Sun Wukong! This is Neptune Vasilias, Sage Ayana, and the man you just made your first mate is Scarlet David! Together, we're Team SSSN, and we'll follow you to the ends of Remnant, captain!"

Neptune gave a cheer, and Sage could only sigh and shake his head, looking over the railing to the street below, watching as people ran back and forth in a blind panic. It was then, when he heard it. The sound of an airship engine. Louder than a Bullhead, its deep, bass crescendo could be heard quickly approaching them. In minutes, Sage could see it cresting the skyline of Vale buildings. A massive Atlasian warship. His eyes flew open and he pointed up into the sky, trying to tap Sun's shoulder to get his attention. It was at this moment that the ship came to a screeching halt. "Wench ho!" crowed the voice of Yellowbeard. Sage was knocked to the floor, while his other teammates happened to be holding onto something and kept themselves upright.

Sun, Neptune and Yellowbeard approached the prow of the ship and looked down to see one Blake Belladona staring up in confusion at the land-bound galleon. "Ahoy! We be looking for some saucy wenches!" Sun exclaimed, grinning wildly.

Blake's amber eyes flew open and she dropped the bag of batteries she'd bought that day, jumping up and down like a child during Christmas. "Ooh! Me! Me! I'm a saucy wench!"

Silence. Then Yellowbeard turned slowly to Sun, shaking his head. "Let's keep moving. I think she be a bit _too_ saucy."

Sun and Neptune exchanged glances, shrugged and turned away, Sun yelling out to Sage. "Keep moving!"

Blake gave a huff of indignation and yelled up at the now moving ship, "H-hey! I'm plenty saucy! Get back here!" Her protests were ignored and the ship continued to move, forcing the cat-girl to nimbly bounce and avoid the creaking galleon's movements. "Damn it! Get back here and plunder my booty! Sexually!" With a scream of frustration, Blake proceeded to rush off after the ship, following it closely behind.

"Er, captain?" Scarlet murmured nervously.

"What be it, First Mate Scarlet?"

"The saucy wench is still following us."

Yellowbeard sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Ignore her. We keep moving!"

Sage groaned as he got up, shaking his head. Today had been absurd, Ridiculous. Out of control. This was like one of Sun's crazier parties, but _worse._ To really drive the irritation home, he couldn't get out a single line of speech to save his life! Didn't they notice the fact that there was an Atlasian Warship… _Shit._ His eyes flew open as he watched the silvery ship descend from on-high, its canons aiming down at them. Before he could utter a single word, a blast fired forth, hitting their ship and causing the galleon to rock violently throwing everyone to the deck. As he hit the floor, he sighed. Well, if they didn't know before…

They knew now.

 _Death Count: 2,043 (Jaune's existance is Quantum. He can die negative times because I have number dyslexia. XD)_

* * *

 _ **A/N: Well, to prevent this from taking too much longer to update, I'm going to actually post it here. Yes, I know not everything from the "Next Time" segment was added, but that will come next chapter. I'm going to stretch out the Yellowbeard Arc (Ha, get it? Arc? Jaune Arc? I'm so smrt.) for one more chapter so things don't feel too rushed. Not to mention Yellowbeard vs. James is going to be a hoot and a half. With this, I hope to finally get back onto some sort of schedule, so look forward to Unwinnable being updated next!**_


	15. Blood and Thunder! (And Pancakes!)

_I do not own RWBY. Banned in three out of the four Kingdoms, it's:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 15: Blood and Thunder! (And Pancakes!)**

* * *

A cacophony of sound, lights and force erupted all around the four young men and the pirate captain. The _HMS Indigo Steel_ shook with each shot of the Atlesian warship's canons. Sun was running around in circles on the deck of the galleon, pulling at his hair in a panic, Neptune following suit, the two of them creating a comedic scene as they ran in circles. Eventually they messed up their rhythm and ran into each other, falling over. Scarlett was doing his damndest to try keeping the ship on course, but the artillery fire was already starting to damage the ship quite a bit, and any more would have them treading water...or pavement as it were. Even Sage had gotten into things, trying to unfurl the main sail in hopes that an errant wind would put some distance between them and the larger flying vessel.

Through it all, grinning madly, Jaune-er, _Yellowbeard_ stared up at the warship, a mad gleam in his eyes. "Aye, so it appears as though my rival has finally shown his face!" He unsheathed his cutlass and swung it in the air at the ship above. " _Come down and fight me like a man, Ironwood!_ " Yellowbeard called out, punctuating the challenge with a loud, boisterous laugh. Seeing the bravery of their captain, three out of the four members of Team SSSN felt their moral rise, and cheered.

Sage, however, rolled his eyes, tying off the ropes to keep the main sail in place. He'd long given up on trying to get a word in edgewise; circumstances seemed determined to keep him silent. His only goal was to get out of this alive, and preferably without Haven finding out that the four of them were involved in this fiasco. Though, he highly doubted that. He always knew that the other three would be either the death of him, or his career. He sighed and strained against the ropes, tying it off onto the railing before looking back up into the sky.

Shockingly, the warship _had_ stopped firing. The General of Atlas himself wasn't actually taking this seriously, was he? All he had to do was keep firing on the ship and it was only a matter of time before they were sunk- Sage paused. They were on dry land. The sheer ignorance to the laws of physics the boat they were sailing on presented were more than he could handle, and instead of worrying about the now descending airship, could only sit huddled in the corner as the absurdity of the situation finally and fully hit the poor swordsman.

The warship came closer and closer until at last, following the galleon as it made its way out of the residential district and into the dockyards. This had the unintended consequence of allowing the Atlesian warship to pull up alongside the galleon, floating only mere feet above the roads and allowing everyone aboard the HMS _Indigo Steel_ to see upon the deck of the warship. Ironwood was standing in a mirror to Yellowbeard's own style, both men standing at the side of their ships, one leg upon the railing, one arm akimbo with the other one brandishing their trademark weapons. " **YELLOWBEARD!** " Ironwood's voice thundered out, his artificial arm brandishing his heavy Magnum with little to no care about things such as 'gun safety' and 'the fact that there was a group of younger Beacon students crowded around him.'

Yellowbeard grinned wickedly, waving about his triple bladed cutlass in the general's direction. "So, you've decided to show your cowardly face once more! Couldn't face me alone, could ye? Had to drag yer soldiers into yer mess?"

"Silence you ruffian! I'll take you on myself! These Beacon students are only here to keep your own crew from interfering in our destined duel!" Ironwood cried out, glaring wrathfully at his foe.

"Ha! I don't need me crew to beat you again, Admiral Ironwood!"

Ironwood's brow twitched furiously. "It's General!"

Yellowbeard huffed and rolls his eyes. "Whatever."

As Ironwood began to growl deeply, a voice spoke up from behind him. "Um, sir?" No answer. Pyrrha Nikos spoke up again, her tone confused and off put. "Sir? Wouldn't it be best if we simply all attacked at once? You might be taking an unnecessary risk."

"No! I must fight him alone! You have no idea the sheer skill and power he possesses! I've fallen to him before, but this time...this time will be different! En garde!" WIth a cry, Ironwood leaped off the side of his ship and onto the deck of the _Indigo Steel._ He fired a shot with his heavy Magnum, but the shot was somehow deflected by the pirate captain's sword.

"Sir!" Scarlett rushed forward, his own cutlass held at the ready, but a hand from Yellowbeard himself stopped him.

"Stay back, ye scallywags! This fight be between me, Captain Ironwood, and no other!" Yellowbeard sneered, swinging the cutlass as he advanced on Ironwood's position.

"It's... _General_!" Ironwood snapped angrily and rushed forward. He and Yellowbeard met halfway in a flurry of iron fists and cutlass blades, their ringing echoing through the Vale dockyards. While the Beacon Students and Team SSSN watched, General and Captain fought on the deck of the ship, the same pirate metal blaring all around him. Sparks flew from the sheer force of their blows, and as the seconds passed, their movements became faster and faster until they were two blurs clashing against one another. Finally, with a resounding clang that echoed through Vale, the two bounced off of each other and skidded to a stop. "Hmph! You can struggle all you want, Yellowbeard, but the day is mine!"

"Arr! Not so, Commander Ironwood! Ye'll be walkin' the plank before I'm through with ye!" Yellowbeard jeered back, the smile never once dropping from his face.

" **It's General!** " Ironwood growed angrily back, clenching his artificial fist so tightly that the servos actually began to whine and smoke. With a grunt, the General of Atlas himself rushed forward, fist cocked and ready to bury itself right into the pirate captain's smug smirk.

Meanwhile, the students and Team SSSN all stared incredulously at the two fighting and bickering, unbelieving what they were witnessing. "Maybe Ironwood was right after all…" Nora murmured in surprise as the the two men clashed at blindingly fast speeds.

"Hey!" Sun cried out, waving to Ironwood's allies on the other ship. "Are any of you saucy wenches?"

Ruby tilted her head. "I don't think so!" She cried back, waving good naturedly at the four crew members. "My sister might be a bit saucy though!"

" **I'M SAUCY!** " A cry from below shouted out. Sun looked over the side to see Blake standing, arms akimbo with a glare on her face. "Now hoist me up!"

"Sorry, can't." Sun replied, shrugging.

"And why not!?" Blake shouted back, stomping her foot.

"Cap'n says you're too saucy." Sun answered back, nodding sagely as though he'd answered an ancient, ages old, riddle.

" _Too saucy!?_ Give me five minutes alone with him, and I'll show _him_ too saucy!" Blake snapped.

Sun looked back to the where the General and Yellowbeard were locking blade and arm and looked back with a wry shrug. "Sorry, can't. He's a bit busy at the moment."

Blake deadpanned. "I wasn't meaning- I was trying to- _Oh never mind!_ " With that, Blake unsheathed Gambol Shroud and hooked it into its kusarigama form, tossing it onto the railing above and using it as a grappling hook to climb up the side of the _Indigo Steel_.

Sun grimaced and turned back to Yellowbeard and Ironwood. "Erm, Captain?"

"Can't talk!" Yellowbeard grunted, pushing Ironwood back inch by inch. "Too busy thrashing Lieutenant Ironwood!"

" **IT'S...GENERAL!** " Ironwood growled even louder than before, his right eye developing an obviously unhealthy twitch.

"Who cares?!" Yellowbeard responded before pulling out a pistol from no one knew where and fired it. Despite the pistol obviously being a flintlock in design, the bullet itself slammed into Ironwood, throwing him backward and causing him to drop his Magnum. The General attempted to scramble to grasp it, but Yellowbeard's boot slammed down onto his wrist, and he found himself looking up into the triple bladed cutlass that the pirate wielded.

"You...you'll never get away with this!" Ironwood cried dramatically.

"Ah, but I already have! Sadly for ye, but now, ye walk the plank!" Yellowbeard scoffed. "Boys! Get the plank ready!"

Scarlett quickly rushed to the side of the ship and began to pull out the large plank that was used for punishment while Yellowbeard poked at Ironwood, forcing him to his feet and toward the plank. "You fiend! I can't swim!"

"You should have thought of that before facing me again, Ensign Ironwood!"

" _ **WHY DO I KEEP GOING DOWN IN RANK!?**_ " Ironwood screamed, even as he was forced onto the narrow wooden platform.

* * *

On the deck of the warship, Pyrrha looked at Ruby, tilting her head. "Shouldn't we go help him?"

Ruby was too busy weeping dramatically. "Oh brave General Ironwood! He fought so valiantly! To be lost to Davy Jones' locker! It's too sad!"

"Ruby, we're on dry land. He's literally just going to hit the pavement. The worse he'll suffer is some bruises. Maybe a scraped paint job." Ren murmured in response, tilting an eyebrow.

"Renny-bear, it's so sad! He'll sink like a rock!" Nora added, dabbing her eyes with a handkerchief that she'd never had before hand. "Lost to us to the briney deep!"

"Nora, it's _solid ground_. Ironwood will be _fine._ " Ren groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Is there any point in us being here? Yellowbeard seemed perfectly fine fighting Ironwood one on one, and Yellowbeard's crew doesn't seem too concerned about the situation either."

Pyrrha sighed and looked around. "I don't think there is. We should go back to Beacon. Besides, I want to make sure to be there when Jaune gets back. Do you know where he is?"

Ren shook his head. "Nope. He just vanished, but if I know him he's doing alright. He might have gotten into some impromptu cook-off or something."

Pyrrha looked back to the ship and frowned. "The General is...odd."

"You can say that again."

* * *

" _You'll never get away with this_!" Ironwood cried out as he was forced to the end of the plank.

"Any last words, Private Ironwood?"

" _ **STOP MAKING ME GO DOWN IN RANK!**_ " Ironwood screamed in fury.

"Whatever! Off with ye!" With that, Yellowbeard lifted his boot and swiftly kicked Ironwood off the side of the galleon.

" _Noooooo!_ " Ironwood cried as he fell, hitting the ground below with a dull thud. As soon as he did, Ironwood began to flail as though he were sinking in water. " * **GASP** * Can't...breathe…"

Team SSSN looked over the edge of the ship, frowning. "Dude knows that's pavement, right?" Neptune murmured, scratching his head.

"Oi! We're on th' sea!" Scarlett cried out, pumping his fist.

"Scarlett, as much as I enjoy being Yellowbeard's crewmate, we're on solid ground." Sun added, frowning.

"Quit yer gabbin', ye scallywags! We've got more to plunder! Fire the cannons! Unleash hell!" Yellowbeard yelled, swinging his sword in the air before a thunder roared out from the side of the ship as multiple cannons all fired in a symphony of destruction…

* * *

 **[Vale - Dockyards - Unknown Warehouse]**

* * *

Swaying back and forth, it was easy to tell that Roman Torchwick was not there. Well, he was there, just not _there_. In fact, he was never _there_. It might have been for that reason that the absolutely gorgeous, flawless raven haired woman before him had a look on her face that spoke volumes about how displeased she was. "I gave you an order, Roman. Why have you failed me?"

"Like...whoah...you should like...calm down...Told you already, Little Red Riding Hood was harshing my mellow…" Roman drawled out, taking a large drag of his massive blunt and breathing a cloud of cloying smoke into the woman's face.

Her hand reached out and grasped him tightly by the jaw, lifting his face up and forcing him to drop the blunt from his mouth. "Maybe she wouldn't have gotten the advantage of you if you weren't constantly _high_!" She twisted his head violently to the side, making Roman wince.

"Aw, not cool…"

"Yo," a voice called out from a nearby series of boxes making a facsimile of a table, "Keep shootin' off your mouth and I'll bust a cap in yo ass." A silver haired boy punctuated his statement by posting with hands outstretched.

"Mercury, have you found another supply of Red Dust?" The woman asked, affixing him with a smoldering amber gaze.

"Don't worry, I got'cha fam." Mercury reached into his vest pocket and pulled out a flat, square case, opening it up to reveal a CD within. "This has got all the fire that you need, hear?"

"You idiot!" a woman with mint green hair snapped, stepping out of the shadows. As she walked by Roman, she grabbed his hat and cane without even looking at them, as though she weren't even aware of what she was doing. She approached Mercury and grabbed his CD from his hand, before then grabbing one of his shoes as well. "Cinder doesn't want your shitty mixtape!"

Mercury frowned. "Fo' shizzle ma nizzle, Em! 'Course she wants it! This shit be lit!"

"Now, now, Emerald. Mercury attempting to offer me his mixtape is all part of my plan." Cinder smirked, sitting down upon a nearby couch in the most seductive manner she could.

"Wait, really?! Cinder, you're such a genius! I can't believe that even something so utterly asinine could be part of your grand scheme!" Emerald cried out, clasping her hands to her chest in glee.

Cinder smirked wider, laughing demurely. "Ah, but you see Emerald, you saying that was all part of my plan."

Emerald's eyes widened further. "What? It was?"

"Man, that shit be tight, fam!" Mercury cried out, posing again with arms crossed.

Cinder laughed again. "Of course. Everything is falling into place. My position will soon be secured, Ozpin will fall, and the power that belongs to me will be mine once again!"

"'Cause...you know...that wasn't vague or anything…" Roman muttered, stumbling toward Emerald to retrieve his things, obviously still pouting about the loss of his last blunt.

With a withering glare, Cinder turned to her stoned minion. "Are you questioning me?"

"No...I would never do that…" Roman muttered, almost falling over without the use of his cane. "Even though you like...wasted a perfectly good blunt…"

Before Cinder could inflict an scathing retort, a sound floated in from outside, coming in through the cracked windows of their warehouse base. It sounded like a song. More specifically, it sounded like something a stereotypical pirate would sing…

 _When I come back from a mighty quest_

 _I have no need for sleep or rest_

 _I head to the tavern for a drink_

 _And get so drunk I cannot think!_

Mercury frowned and stood up, adjusting his baseball cap in reverse. "The hell is that garbage?"

Cinder frowned. "Neo. Go see what's going on outside, and silence it."

Neo, who'd been sitting in the corner of the room attempting to catch the eighth Rattata she'd run into that day in Pokemon Go, stood up and pouted. [Why the hell should I?]

"Neo...like...you should...or Cinder will be all...bitchy and stuff." Roman muttered, finally managing to retrieve his hat from Emerald who'd simply left it on the table in front of Mercury.

Cinder glared at him and slowly rose to her feet, approaching him. "I'm sorry, I don't think I've heard you correctly. Do you want to say that _again_?"

Higher than anyone had any right to ever be, Roman coughed and with a dumb smile, answered, "Neo should or you'll like...um...be all bitchy and stuff…"

Neo shook her head, deciding that compliance would be easier than dealing with Cinder in a bad mood and walked out of the room to the symphony of _thwacks_ and _fwooshes_ that accompanied the punishment that Cinder seemed to deal out. Mind, the only one of them who'd received that kind of punishment was Roman, but more often than not, he deserved it. The petite girl made her way out of the warehouse and onto the street in front of it, and straight up froze. Slowly, her eyes, wide in disbelief, made their way slowly up the height of the massive galleon that took up most of the road in front of the warehouse, and the Atlesian warship beside it. Had it just been the warship, Neo would have booked it, knowing that the law had finally caught up to her. But the massive pirate ship?

It was then when she heard an oddly familiar voice speaking in the most stereotypical pirate accent she'd ever heard since the time she'd accidentally tuned into a children's show in the middle of a television binge. " _Quit yer gabbin', ye scallywags! We've got more to plunder! Fire the cannons! Unleash hell!_ " The petite mute girl looked up and her eyes widened even further. [Jaune?!]

A second later, a thunderous roar sounded, and Neo was instantly glad she'd followed Cinders orders for once, as the entire warehouse behind her literally _exploded_. A shower of cannon fire turned the large concrete, brick and steel structure into so much scrap. Neo's jaw dropped and she stared at the now flaming wreckage, her multicolored gaze flickering between the ship, Jaune and the ruins of her former business. She could only stand there, dumfounded, as the crew members aboard the ship began to speak.

"Woo! Direct hit!"

"Yar! Tis be a fine ruin!" The pirate responded merrily.

" _Hey!_ " a female voice shouted. Neo could see what looked to be a raven haired woman climb aboard the ship, frowning deeply. "I _demand_ that you plunder my booty!"

"What the hell be ye doin' on my ship, you overly saucy wench? I'll keelhaul you!" The pirate, who Neo now identified as Jaune, snarled, waving his cutlass in her direction.

The bow-wearing woman froze, her expression going from angry to curious. "Is that an innuendo for something sexual?"

" _No!_ " Jaune snapped. "I'll be draggin' you behind the ship!"

The girl snapped. "Oh yeah?! How the hell can you be called Yellowbeard when you don't have a beard?!"

Jaune laughed. "What the hell be ye talking about? Of course I have a-" Jaune reached up, his hands touching his smooth jawline, and a look of abject horror crossed his face. He shook, stumbling back, face going pale. "It...it can't be…"

"Sir?!" Scarlett stepped forward, reaching toward his captain in concern.

Jaune stumbled until he reached the railing of the _Indigo Steel_ and stared out into space in front of him. Still in the same faux accent as before, Jaune slowly murmured, "The sunset...it be...beautiful…" With that, Jaune fell backwards over the side of the galleon as though mortally wounded.

" _ **CAPTAIN!**_ " Three out of the four members of Team SSSN cried, all rushing forward to try to catch their captain. However, the blond man had suddenly vanished, much to everyone's surprise, with only the sounds of rapidly retreating footsteps sounding being the only clue to anyone's presence.

As the men began to mourn, (Sage only rolling his eyes and already contemplating how he could come up with a plausible alibi for where he was during all of this) Blake was twitching and fuming, her hands clenching and unclenching. Seconds passed into minutes, and with a screech of pure rage, Blake threw her head back. "DAMN IT! PLUNDER MY BOOTY!"

Meanwhile, in the smoldering ruins of the warehouse, four figures dug themselves out of the rubble, coughing and groaning. Roman, the first to break free, had somehow produced another blunt from who knew where and took a long drag. "Like...ouch."

Mercury and Emerald popped up next, Emerald wincing as she freed her leg from a particularly big bit of corrugated steel. "What the hell was that?! Who the hell fires cannons in this day and age?!" She looked up and almost fell over in shock. "Is that a pirate ship?!"

"Wait, seriously fam?!" Mercury scrambled back, eyes wide in shock at the utter absurdity of it all.

Cinder rose last, rising from the dust and ash as though she was utterly unaffected by the random attack. "Don't worry Mercury..." Cinder murmured in the usual mysterious tone of voice she spoke with constantly. "...everything is going according to plan…"

And so the moon rose over the odd tableau, the smoke from the wrecked warehouse rising into the sky and the galleon sitting in front of it, Sun, Neptune and Scarlett weeping while Blake angrily complained about her lack of nookie.

…

Minutes later, the galleon, no longer being powered by the same mysterious essence that gave it the power to travel through could no longer sustain its position, and with the sound of a loud groan, the galleon proceeded to fall over...directly onto the ruins of the warehouse.

 _ **CRUNCH!**_

…

"...All... _ow_...according to plan…"

* * *

 **A/N: The end of the Yellowbeard Arc! But where is Jaune? Or Neo? Is Cinder really that clever to have predicted everything that has occurred, or is she simply saying she is to look more intelligent and mysterious? Will anyone ever** _ **want**_ **Mercury's mixtape? Immortal might have been slow in updating, but it's far from over, and the insanity will only continue as the chapters do! Glad to see so many people enjoying such crack-tacular work, and I hope to continue entertaining you!**


	16. Eye of the Beholder

_Like the world's worst zombie, back from the dead, it's:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 16: Eye of the Beholder (Which One?)**

* * *

He awoke.

 _Silk sheets? I have a funny taste in my mouth. My crotch hurts. One of my hands is cuffed to the bed._ His gaze looked to his left. _Yep. I'm at Neo's. How much did I drink?_ Try as he might, he couldn't quite remember the events of the night previous. He'd gone drinking with Yang, that much he remembered, but the events of the bar were a giant blur eventually fading to black. Somehow during that night he'd ended up in Neo's bed, again. From the smells, aches and fact that Neo was currently clamped to his side wearing not a scrap of clothing, he assumed they'd slept together again, something he sorely wished he could remember.

Neo stirred. Her multicolored eyes opened and she gave him a lazy grin.

"Hey." Jaune smiled back. "So...how drunk was I last night?"

His friend-with-benefits laughed silently before pantomiming something involving an...eyepatch? A hook hand? Jaune watched her go through the motions, the wheels in his head turning (although they were creaking with him having just woken up.) until he eventually managed to come to a conclusion. "I...was acting like a pirate?" Further pantomiming (which did some very fun things to her lovely naked figure) clarified her statement. "I was _dressed_ like a pirate?" Even more movements. "Wait, you're saying that I dressed up like a pirate, somehow found a galleon that could sail on land, dueled General Ironwood of Atlas, acquired a pirate crew and then…" He trailed off. Neo performed even more movements and after Jaune managed to snap himself out of a nudity-induced trance, he finished with, "...and I blew up your place of employment?"

Despite the subject matter, Neo gave a nonchalant nod, as though she'd just said that Jaune went shopping for tropical fish while drunk. Jaune went silent for a minute before bursting out into laughter. "A pirate? A land-ship? Neo, are you sure it wasn't _you_ who was drunk?"

"..."

* * *

Jaune hit the ground in the hallway outside Neo's penthouse with a _thud_ , rubbing his rear. The door slammed behind him and Jaune gave a frown. "Can I at least have my pants back?"

Silence.

Then the door opened up and a pair of jeans flew out, hitting Jaune in the face before slamming again in his face. Jaune sighed, stood to his feet and shuffled into his jeans. He turned to the door, drawing his lips into a thin line. "So...um...I'll see you next Saturday?" Jaune queried to the door.

More silence.

Just as Jaune assumed that he must have offended Neo to the point of her wanting to shun him completely, the door opened up once again and a slender hand poked out giving a thumbs up before the door shut a third time. Jaune smiled with relief, shrugged and turned on his heel, walking off with a whistle once more. Maybe Yang could enlighten him to the _real_ truth of what happened the previous night. He scoffed.

Pirates.

How absurd.

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy - Team JNPR Dorm Room]**

* * *

Luck had been on his side on the way back from Neo's and he hadn't been accosted again, managing to get into the restroom of JNPR's dorm to take a shower before anyone could catch wind of his tryst. He must have gotten back as breakfast had started, which would have explained why everyone was currently missing from his dorm. Showered, dressed and ready to start the day, Jaune put a hand on the doorknob and opened it up…

Only to end up getting hit in the face as Yang, having meant to knock on the door, rapped on his face with her knuckles as she was chatting with Ruby, not facing him. "Ow. Ow. Ow." Jaune muttered with each strike.

"Huh-Jaune!" Yang recoiled in surprise before suddenly glaring at Jaune. "You've got some serious explaining to do!"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Relax. I was-" Jaune stopped and looked down at Ruby who was smiling innocently up at the two of them before continuing with, "Erm, I was sleeping over at a friend's place."

"What? No, I'm not talking about where you've been!" Yang exclaimed, "I'm talking about the events of last night! How the hell did you _do_ all that? The ship? The cannons? _The fact that you threw me in the brig and I had to punch my way out!_ " Yang's body suddenly ignited, her eyes turning red.

"Ship? For the love of Oum, are you drunk too? First Neo, now you, I don't own a land-sailing ship!" Jaune groaned and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Yeah," Ruby added, speaking up in an attempt to calm her sister down, "Yang, that was Yellowbeard, _not_ Jaune!"

Yang's Semblance instantly turned off and she slowly turned to her sister. "Seriously, Ruby? You couldn't tell? That was just Jaune in a cheesy pirate outfit!"

Ruby and Jaune exchanged glances and both started to laugh. "Man, you must have been more drunk than I was last night!" Jaune shook his head, leaning against the doorframe to his dorm for stability.

Yang growled and once again her body burst into flames as her Semblance was triggered yet again. "I wasn't _that_ drunk! You were dressed as some Halloween pirate, you were sailing a _galleon_ around Vale causing havoc and eventually ended up crashing your ship down at the docks!"

Jaune rolled his eyes. "Yang, that's impossible. How would that even work? A wooden galleon on land? If I caused that much trouble, wouldn't I end up arrested?"

"Yang, I was _there_." Ruby added. "That _wasn't_ Jaune! Isn't that right, Crescent Rose?" Ruby pulled her weapon out and stared at it expectantly, as though waiting for its response. When there was none, Ruby laughed. "Oh Crescent Rose, you're so silly! How could Jaune warp reality when he's drunk through is actual Semblance and become a pirate? That's just absurd. Obviously Yellowbeard came back from the dead to wreak havoc upon the living in order to quench his insatiable blood lust!"

Once again Yang's Semblance turned off and she facepalmed, sighing. "I never ever thought I'd say this, but I think I'm agreeing with whatever it is your weapon is supposedly saying."

"And now you're agreeing with an inanimate object." Jaune muttered. "Your stability falls into question further and further by the sentence."

Yang's eyes flashed red a third time and she cocked a fist back, growling angrily. "What on Remnant are you doing?!" A voice yelled out, causing Yang to pause, yet again, and turn to the speaker, noticing that Weiss and Blake were walking up to her.

"Weiss, Blake, back me up on this!" Yang replied, pointing to Jaune, "He was that insane pirate who was causing chaos in Vale the other day!"

Blake cocked an eyebrow. "Um, what? Yang, you weren't there, so I won't blame you, but that was Yellowbeard, _not_ Jaune."

"Seriously, Yang. How could you get Yellowbeard and Jaune confused?" Weiss reached for her scroll and after a few quick hits on the holographic keyboard, pulled up a picture of the previous night's high seas assailant. She walked toward Jaune and held the scroll with the picture up next to him before turning her attention once again to Yang. "Look, the two of them look nothing alike!"

Yang's expression went flat. "You...you're joking, right? You've got to be fucking with me. LIke, you can't possibly be serious. They look _exactly alike_!"

Weiss sighed and shook her head slowly, _tsk_ -ing. "Yang, Yang, Yang. We're going to have to take you to get your eyes checked, aren't we? I'll set up the appointment."

"What?! No! I don't need- _how can you not see this?!_ " Yang snapped, eyes wide with shock.

"What, just because they're both blond?" Blake replied. "Although neither one of them will give me the time of day…" The cat-faunus leveled a glare at Jaune who suddenly became extremely preoccupied with his own shoes.

"No! They look exactly alike! How on Remnant am I the only one who can see this?! Oh god, am I going insane?!" Yang clutched her head and slowly sank into a fetal position, rocking back and forth while her sister quietly knelt beside her and gently patted her.

"It's okay Yang, there's plenty of Hunters who have to wear glasses...I think." Ruby added sheepishly, only serving to cause her older sister to break into whimpers.

 _Ding-dong-ding-dong…_

 _ **Can Mr. Arc please come to the Headmaster's Office? Repeat: Can Mr. Arc please come to the Headmaster's Office. Thank you.**_

A voice spoke up over the intercoms, causing Jaune's head to snap up and blink before cocking an eyebrow in confusion. "Huh. Wonder what Ozpin needs me for." Jaune looked down at Yang and drew his lips into a line. "Hm. Is she going to be okay?"

Weiss sighed. "She'll be fine; she's just being overdramatic. It's nice to see someone else undergoing a mental breakdown for a change…"

"That seems a tad bit cruel…" Blake answered, watching her partner rocking back and forth.

"What? And it's not cruel when that _dunce_ refuses to pay attention to me and keeps breaking the laws of physics with his repeated resurrections?" Weiss huffed and crossed her arms, her icy gaze following Jaune as he quickly made his way away from his dorm room and toward the elevator at the Emerald tower, as though trying to avoid the conversation occurring.

"Hey, _don't_ talk to me about Jaune not paying attention to you. I swear, it's impossible to get him to…" Jaune quickly shut out Blake's voice, his footsteps hurrying faster away from team RWBY before any of them started getting any ideas...

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy - Headmaster's Office]**

* * *

 _Ding!_

The elevator doors opened up onto Ozpin's office and Jaune stepped out into the office proper, the doors automatically closing behind him. Ozpin himself looked up from his holographic screens, his expression tight-lipped and his brow furrowed. Simply put, the headmaster looked frustrated, something that Jaune felt delighted about, and made no effort to hide as he strode toward Ozpin. "How can I help you, oh headmaster? Finally given up and decided to kick me out? Should I start packing my bags?"

Ozpin gave a short, bitter laugh. "Oh, no no no, Mr. Arc. I admit, this latest... _attempt_ was impressive in both scope and scale. Even I can't figure out how you managed to pull it off, although I suppose I should be so lucky that James and nearly every other person involved in last night's debacle didn't seem to recognize you." The headmaster took a sip of his coffee, hiding his irritated gaze behind the mug. He placed it down, and continued. "How _did_ you do it though? I mean, you not only managed to summon a full sized, land-bound galleon, but dueled James Ironwood, the General of Atlas himself and won."

Jaune groaned. "You too? First, Neo, then Yang, now you? Look, I admit, I _might_ have had a bit much to drink last night, but me, turning into a pirate?!"

Ozpin's fingers flickered across his screen and drew up a video of the previous night, where one of his many Vale located cameras had captured Yellowbeard standing at the prow of his ship, triple-bladed cutlass held out triumphantly. "The proof, Mr. Arc, is right here."

"That looks nothing like me!" Jaune exclaimed, pointing at the picture.

"Mr Arc, that looks _exactly_ like you. Unless you have a secret twin I haven't heard about, it appears as though you'd put on a cheap pirate outfit, summoned up a ship and have caused tens of thousands of Lien worth of damages to the city of Vale. What do you have to say for yourself?" Ozpin mused, with just a _hint_ of anger in his voice.

Jaune scoffed. "If it was me, would you finally kick me out of Beacon?"

"No, but if you continue acting innocent about all of this, I might have to contact your mother…" Ozpin trailed off, the corner of his lips twitching upward as he watched Jaune go pale.

"N-no! You b-bastard! Fine, whatever, so what if it was me?!" Jaune snapped, slamming his hands onto Ozpin's desk.

"You said you were drunk, last night?" Ozpin queried.

"Yeah?"

Ozpin took another sip of coffee. "Very well. Then, from now on, you are forbidden from drinking alcohol. We do _not_ need another repeat of last night. James _still_ thinks he survived drowning and it took a couple of hours for myself and Ms. Goodwitch to convince him not to get his lungs replaced with artificial lungs. I swear, I think he _wants_ to fully replace himself with cybernetics."

"What?! Come on, that's ridiculous! Just because the General of Atlas is delusional, I have to forgo drinking?! That's like a staple of Academy life!" Jaune complained.

"Too bad. The council is throwing a hissy fit, and it's only because everyone has seemingly acquired a non-terminal case of brain damage and can't seem to figure out that you and this pirate are one and the same, that this debacle hasn't been traced back to Beacon." With a sigh, Ozpin pinched the bridge of his nose, murmuring something under his breath about 'stupid' councilmen.

"Or maybe you and Yang are wrong, and that _isn't_ me…" Jaune muttered angrily.

The headmaster glared. "How can you _not_ see this? Isn't this like looking in the mirror? 'Yellowbeard' doesn't even have a beard!" Ozpin groaned and rubbed his face with his hands before clearing his throat. "Either way, I can't spend too much time on this, especially with the new students already arriving ahead of schedule."

"New students?" Jaune queried.

"For the Vytal tournament. It's supposed to be a show of 'solidarity' but between you and I, I think it's just an excuse for everyone to show off their "best and brightest." Ozpin sipped again on his coffee, then paused. "Actually…"

"Whatever it is, the answer is no." Jaune muttered.

"It could be a chance to sow some chaos…" Ozpin sing songed.

Jaune's face went expressionless. "You do realize that I'm not doing any of this because I enjoy it, right? I just want out of this establishment."

Ozpin went silent for a few moments. Then, "I'll increase Beacon's culinary budget by 10%."

"15%" Jaune retorted.

"12% and I'll allow you access to the special Teacher's Lounge."

Jaune narrowed his eyes. " _Special_ Teacher's Lounge?"

Ozpin smirked. "You didn't think you've discovered the real one, have you?"

The blond student stroked his chin in thought, then let out a slow, low sigh. "What is it you want me to do?"

"Nothing too outrageous. Just keep an eye on the new blood and keep me updated on things, like suspicious characters, or the weaknesses of various students." Ozpin explained nonchalantly.

"Mentions of cheating aside," Jaune muttered dryly, "Define, 'suspicious.'"

Ozpin tapped his fingers on his desk as he gave it some thought. "Things like prospective students being too old to be students, students with strange prostheses and no explanation of why they have them, students acting overly friendly, you know, anything out of the ordinary."

"Sir, that explains literally everyone on this campus save for possibly Ren, You and Myself. And even the three of us have our quirks." Jaune ran a hand through his hair. "Still, I think I get what you're going on about. I'll keep an eye and ear out for you. Might as well, as I'm stuck here."

Ozpin steepled his fingers before his face. "Excellent. Now if you'll excuse me, I have paperwork to do. These falsified transcripts aren't going to pass themselves."

Jaune blanched. "Excuse me?"

"Nothing, nothing, just an old man rambling. I'd never pass a student with false transcripts just for my own entertainment; what kind of headmaster do you take me for? Now, off with you. The students should just be getting in now." Ozpin waved Jaune away with one hand, and said reluctant student turned on his heel and strode off back toward the elevator.

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy - JNPR/RWBY Dorm Hall]**

* * *

By the time Jaune had returned, Yang must have gotten over her mental breakdown and she, along with team RWBY, were conversing in the hallway with a group of three students that Jaune had never seen before. They were wearing uniforms from what was obviously another school, clueing Jaune that they must have been a few of the new students Ozpin had been talking about. As he approached, and got a better look at them, he noticed something. Two of them, a young, mocha-skinned woman with mint green hair, and a boy with silver hair and dark pants, looked to be the right age for Hunters-in-training. The third, a woman that Jaune wondered if she did porn as a profession, and if so, if he could find any of her work, looked out of place in the school uniform.

 _She must be a new teacher, or a transfer from one of the other schools._ Jaune approached. "Hello there!"

The three newcomers turned around to face Jaune and team RWBY shifted their attention to Jaune. "Ah, Jaune! What did Ozpin want?" Ruby asked curiously.

Jaune shrugged. "Nothing important, just some last minute paperwork," he lied. He extended a hand toward the three newcomers. "I"m Jaune Arc, leader of team JNPR. You are all…?"

The boy stepped forward and grasped his hand, shaking it firmly. "Ey, yo, I'm Mercury Black. Nobody here in Vale spits fire like I do!"

Jaune cocked an eyebrow. "Erm...good to know?"

"You interested in gettin' lit, fam?" Mercury asked, reaching into his shirt and pulling out a translucent CD case.

"N-no thank you." Jaune waved him off, much to Mercury's visible disappointment.

Next, the younger woman stepped up to shake hands with him. "I'm Emerald Sustrai." Jaune and her shook hands, but as they did, Emerald's other hand reached out and with one deft movement, took his Scroll from his pocket.

"Um...that's my Scroll." Jaune muttered, confused and taken aback by Emerald's audacity. Before Emerald could pocket the item, Jaune's hand shot out and yanked it back from her with a speed that bordered on blurring.

"Nice to meet you." Emerald replied, as though the previous events didn't just happen.

Lastly, the third woman approached and extended her own hand with the air of royalty. "I'm Cinder Fall. Pleased to make your acquaintance."

Jaune shook her hand too, smiling. "A pleasure to meet you, m'am."

Cinder blinked, then gave a very unconvincing laugh. "Please, I'm a student, just like you."

It was Jaune's turn to laugh, although his was much more genuine. "Nice one, Ms. Fall. Seriously though, it is nice to meet you. What do you teach?"

"Jaune!" Ruby chastised her friend, "Cinder is a student like us!"

Jaune laughed again. "Good one, Ruby. Did you guys come up with this because of the whole 'pirate' thing?"

"No, Jaune, she's actually a student." Blake added.

Meanwhile, Mercury leaned in close to Cinder, murmuring, "Hey, should I bust a cap in his ass?"

Cinder shook her head. "No. Him managing to see through my clever disguise is all according to plan." To that, Mercury smirked, nodded and leaned back.

As Jaune and Team RWBY argued over Cinder's teacher or student status, and as Mercury, Emerald and Cinder watched on, Jaune could only stop and think to himself, _Huh. Didn't think I would run into 'suspicious' students already, but Cinder, a teacher? If she's a student, then_ _ **I'm**_ _a teacher…_

 _And how goofy would that be?_

* * *

 **A/N: HEY! We're back! I know, I know, it's been** _ **forever**_ **since I updated Immortal, but the issue with Immortal is that it requires a certain...erm...mindset to update.**

 **That mindset being utter and complete insanity. Between work and life being draining, I haven't had the chance to just sit back and let my mind go free for a glut of pure crack, but I thought, 'hey, it's the fifth most followed RWBY fic on , so why not give the people what they want?' and here we go! Hopefully we won't have to wait another half a year for another update, but I make no promises.**

 **And that last little statement was NOT a dig at Professor Arc, but merely an omage. Seriously, there's a reason it's so popular; if you haven't read it, then what the hell are you waiting for?!**

 **Signing off for now, this is LaughingLefou.**


	17. Cooking With Jaune (Part 1)

_The only contraceptive guaranteed to work 100% only by reading it, it's:_

 **Immortal**

 **Chapter 17: Cooking with Jaune**

* * *

"...a student?"

Jaune sighed and nodded, letting himself sink into the chair in front of Ozpin's desk. "Yeah. A student."

Ozpin frowned and took another sip of his coffee, scratching his chin. "She...seriously thinks this is going to fool anyone?"

With a wry smile of tired acceptance, Jaune nodded. "It already has. Team RWBY thinks she's actually a student."

"...but she looks like a-" Ozpin began.

"Pornstar?" Jaune finished.

Silence followed Jaune's suggestion as Ozpin continued to stare at the picture of Cinder Fall on his scroll. He took another sip, then, "...is she?"

Jaune slowly cocked an eyebrow. "Hell if I know? She just looks like one. Also, she needs to stop talking like she does." The young man got to his feet and walked around to the other side of Ozpin's desk, stroking his chin in contemplation at the still image of the aforementioned Ms. Fall.

"Like...how?"

"Like every word out of her mouth is dirty. We get it, she's hot. She can drop the femme fatale act already. It's old before it even began."

Both men stared at the screen for a few moments more, Jaune stroking his chin and Ozpin sipping on his coffee. Once his coffee had finally drained completely from his cup, Ozpin finally spoke. "I'll need you to keep an eye on her."

"What?! Why me?!"

"Because we're already short staffed and can't afford for any of the teachers to keep an eye on our new 'students,' during any time outside of class." Ozpin explained, in the same tone of voice one would explain a simple concept to a small child.

Jaune glared. "Don't you have...I dunno, _cameras_ for this?"

Ozpin sighed and shook his head. "Unfortunately, no."

"That's it? How much is spent on security in this school per year?!" Jaune snapped, exasperated.

"...Twelve." Ozpin murmured, suddenly preoccupied with the few sheets of paper littering his desk.

Jaune stared at Ozpin, eyes narrowing further. "Twelve _what_? Twelve million? Twelve thousand? Twelve hundred?!"

" _Twelve Lien, alright?!_ " Ozpin snapped back, crossing his arms and looking away from Jaune.

Jaune jumped back in surprise, his face slowly morphing from shock to confusion as Ozpin's statement finally managed to click in his head. "Twelve..Lein? How the hell can Beacon's security budget be less than an entree at a sit-down restaurant? On top of that…" Jaune's expression morphed once again into a look of incredulity, "Are you pouting?!"

Ozpin didn't turn back, his only response being a muffled, "...no."

"You are! Why the hell...are you sure you're the headmaster of this school?!" Jaune cried out, arms outstretched in disbelief.

Ozpin turned back to Jaune, glaring over the rim of his spectacles. "I get enough of this from Goodwitch, I refuse to hear about this from my own student!"

Jaune sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, falling silent for a few seconds, then speaking up in a voice barely above a whisper. "I just want to know _how_ you can possibly spend such little Lien on security."

"Well, for one, it's a school for _Hunters_." Ozpin retorted, still a hint of enmity in his words. "Reason number two is...a padlock."

"A...padlock." Jaune reiterated slowly. Another sigh; then, "Let me guess. It's the coffee cab-"

"It's on the coffee cabinet." Ozpin finished, for once actually looking chastised.

"Of course it is." Jaune groaned. "Well, I for one, don't want to spend all my free time watching Cinder and company. Can't we set up a fundraiser to raise funds for Beacon? Or decrease the amount of money spent on co-" Jaune never got a chance to finish as Ozpin affixed him with a look so withering that the blond boy's suggestion died on his tongue, and he was sure for a moment that he would follow suit. He swallowed nervously and continued on as if he'd never said a thing. "Bake sale?"

"After the events of the bicentennial Bake Sale, we've been banned from running Bake Sales in Vale. It's a...long story." Ozpin murmured. He lifted his mug to his lips and took a sip, causing Jaune to blink owlishly as he tried to figure out where the hell Ozpin had refilled his cup during their discussion. "So unless you've got some brilliant money making idea, we're both shit out of luck."

Jaune opened his mouth to respond, raising a finger into the air, then paused. A sly smile began to spread itself across his face. " _Actually,_ I have an idea...all I'll need is use of the kitchens, a camera and some editing software…"

* * *

 **[Beacon Academy Kitchens]**

"...a little to the left...perfect."

Jaune grunted as he placed one of the many tripod mounted lights that littered the kitchen. He fully stood up and rubbed his back. "Whew. Didn't know setting this up would take so much moving." The reluctant Huntsman in training turned to face the only other person in the kitchens at the time, Ren. "By the way, how the hell did you learn how to film television?"

Ren adopted a thoughtful expression, pausing for a few moments to cogitate before answering with a simple, "Nora."

Jaune opened his mouth, then closed it and shrugged as if to say, 'fair enough.' He took a few steps, turning on one of the lights and allowing the bright light to shine over an island that sat in the middle of one of the large kitchens used to cook for Beacon's many students. He took a step back, looked over the kitchen, and his face contorted once more in confusion. "Wait, how does that explain anything?"

Ren shrugged. "It's Nora. Any explanation I could give wouldn't clear things up any more."

"...You are a man of infinite patience." Jaune quipped, shaking his head. The blond young man made his way behind the island to a refrigerator taller than even he was. He opened it up, and began to set up the island with a variety of bowls filled with different ingredients. After that, he reached over to the handle of the oven and pulled off a white apron, putting it on. Finally, to top it all off, he grabbed a white cloth from the counter next to the oven and flicked his wrist, causing the white cloth to expand into a Chef's hat, placing it gingerly on his head. Jaune gazed back at Ren and nodded. "Alright. Everything's set up on my end. You good on yours?"

Ren silently made his way to a large camera set up on the far end of the room, removing the lens cap from it and aimed it toward Jaune, making a few minor adjustments to the height and focus before finally nodding. "We're good to go. Just let me know when to start filming."

Jaune nodded, cleared his throat and took a deep breath. He raised his hand and slowly counted down from five...four...three...two...one: " _Hi there, my name is Jaune Arc, and this, is_ _Cooking with Arc_. _We're here live at Beacon Academy's kitchens, where yours truly, Jaune Arc, will teach you the viewer on how to cook a variety of cheap and easy recipes. For today's recipe, we'll be making a very simple dish-_ "

Before he could utter the name of the dish, a voice from his right suddenly yelled, " **PANCAKES!** " Jaune gave a cry of surprise and recoiled away from the voice, belonging to none other than one Nora Valkyrie herself, grinning wildly at the thought of her favorite breakfast dish.

"Gah! Where'd you come from!?" Jaune looked around, trying to ascertain how the normally loud, boisterous woman could have snuck up on him like that.

Nora grinned even wider, teal eyes glinting. "Silly Jaune, when a mommy and a daddy love each other _very_ much, they-"

Jaune cut her off. " _I didn't mean like that!_ " He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "Nora, I'm in the middle of trying to make a show here to make money for Beacon."

"A cooking show!" Nora exclaimed.

"Exactly." Jaune nodded, a touch of irritation across his face.

"Which means you're making pancakes!" Nora finished, causing Jaune's eye to twitch.

"Nora, you aren't listening, I"m trying to make-"

"Pancakes."

Jaune's right eye twitched a second time, but a closer look at Nora's face showed that despite the smile upon her lips, there was a terrifying gleam in her eyes that had Jaune take a step back in nervousness. Sure, death was a minor inconvenience, but goddamn, did it hurt! Nora stepped forward, all smiles, sweetness and abject terror, when Ren's voice interrupted the tension brewing. "Nora, there's an army of sloths slowly making their way here with the intent to dethrone you as the Queen. You might want to start working on creating an army to combat them."

Nora gasped. "What?! Betrayed!? How dare they! I"m the Queen of the Castle! Executions for everyone!" Nora suddenly rushed out of the room, nearly bowling Jaune over in her haste, a fire in her eyes that had Jaune shivering and shaking his head. The two men inside the kitchen could hear Nora ranting as she rushed off down the hall, to do god only knew what. Silence fell between the two of them for a few moments as they cogitated upon the situation. It was only broken by Jaune releasing a long, frustrated sigh as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Thank you...Ren." Jaune muttered dryly.

"...so from the top?"

Jaune nodded and clasped his hands together, taking a deep breath. "Yeah, from the top." He cleared his throat, and nodded to Ren who proceeded to hit a button upon the side of the camera. " _Hi there, my name's Jaune Arc, and this, is_ _Cooking with Arc_. _We're here live at Beacon Academy's kitchens, where yours truly, Jaune Arc, will teach you, the viewer, on how to cook a variety of cheap and easy recipes. For today's recipe, we'll be making a very simple dish, Beef Wellington. Now many of you may have difficulty with this recipe, but I'm here to tell you that anyone can make this dish as long as they follow these simple steps._ "

Jaune walked about the kitchen, Ren following with the camera. " _Now, we'll need some appropriate-_ " A buzzing noise, faint but audible, could be heard as Jaune continued on, " _pots and pans to mix our ingredients with. We'll try to keep the dishes to a minimum, but you'll need at least the following._ " Jaune knelt down and threw open the cabinet doors to the inside of the big main island...and froze.

Inside the cabinet, blinking owlishly with her cheeks slightly pink with embarrassment, was one Blake Belladonna, accompanied by her usual buzzing that followed her constantly. "Um...hello." Blake murmured quietly, glancing away from him.

"Blake?"

"Yes?"

"Why...are you in the cabinet?" Jaune muttered darkly, his right eye spontaneously regaining its previous twitch..

Blake looked back and forth before murmuring, "No reason?"

"How long have you been in there?"

"What time is it?"

Jaune sighed. "Blake? Get out of the cabinet."

Blake bit her lip, then replied, "But then my face won't be level with your cro-"

" _ **NOW!**_ " Jaune bellowed, standing up and pointing violently to the two big double doors that made up the exit to the cafeteria proper.

With a clatter and the sound of crashing pots and pans, Blake quickly scrambled out of the cabinet, and with speed bordering on the supernatural, rushed out of the room. Jaune stared after her, panting slightly with ill contained rage. He forced himself to take a deep breath as Ren stared, brow slightly furrowing. After a few calming breaths, Jaune turned to Ren, his expression impassive. "Alright, where were we?"

"...You were just about to discuss what pots and pans we needed."

Another breath. "Right." Jaune cleared his throat. "You can edit in post, can't you?" Ren didn't answer, instead simply giving a thumbs up as he adjusted the camera. Jaune nodded, then adopted a smile. " _You'll need a shallow pan with a grate on top to allow collection of the juices of the steak, as well as a saucepan to cook our spinach in. Now for the ingredients, this particular recipe doesn't require a lot. The biggest concern is trying to find the right cut of steak._ " Jaune turned around to the refrigerator and opened it up, pulling out a cut of meat and placing it upon the island before him. " _For now, we'll be using a store bought steak, although I personally have always favored local butchers for my meat. Now, in addition, we'll also need our spinach, as well as our dough._ " Jaune turned around once more and began to dig in the fridge for the remaining ingredients.

"This will not do!"

Jaune jumped in surprise, smacking his head on one of the shelves inside the fridge, causing him to wince with pain. He turned around sharply on his heel to find one Weiss Schnee staring dismissively at the steak he'd placed upon the island. With a low groan and a shake of his head, Jaune spoke. "What on Remnant are you talking about?"

Weiss placed her arms akimbo and glanced at Jaune out of the corner of her eye. "This steak is sub par! I refuse to eat something like this!"

Jaune blinked once, twice, and a third time before answering. "I wasn't cooking it for you."

"What?!"

The exasperated blond pointed to Ren behind his camera. "We're filming a show, Weiss. Now _please_ , _leave_."

Weiss huffed in indignation. "Excuse me?! You should be happy to serve me!" She stomped her foot, glaring.

For the third time in less than fifteen minutes, Jaune's right eye developed an unhealthy twitch, and this time a faint black aura began to seep from the blond immortal's body. "I'm only going to say this once. Leave. _Now_."

"No!"

"Um, Weiss, you really should-" Ren began only to be cut off by a series of loud stomps as Jaune approached Weiss, murder clearly evident in his gaze…

* * *

 **[***]**

 **WHAM!**

The door to the cafeteria flew open, and a white blur shot out from between them, hitting the ground and skidding to a stop, revealing itself to be one Weiss Schnee with a bootprint on her dress at ass level. Weiss groaned and slowly got to her feet, rubbing her rear and wincing. After a few seconds, she turned sharply on her heel, her face red with fury and embarrassment...only for the large double doors to the kitchens to slam shut right in her face, cutting off whatever tirade she was building up.

Inside the kitchen, Jaune finished hoisting a massive metal oven over his head and without pomp or circumstance, slammed it down in front of the door, huffing with a combination of effort and anger. Moments passed and once more, with Herculean effort, Jaune managed to calm himself once more, at least enough to bring himself back to some semblance of sanity. Slowly his gaze turned up to Ren and he deliberately cleared his throat to signal his return to the show. However, his tone was slightly less relaxed than before as he continued, "For today, we're using crescent roll dough, as we don't have enough time to work on the dough this episode. The first thing you'll want to do it so prepare our meat." Jaune took slab of meat he had earlier and placed it upon a baking pan, turning on the oven and sliding it inside, turning back the camera. "Now while that cooks, we'll want to work on the Duxelles. What's the Duxelles, you ask? Well, it's a combination of mushrooms, foie gras, butter, shallots, thyme and just a dash of alcohol. First, we'll cook our mushrooms here in a pan with a bit of butter, and our shallots and thyme. In addition, we'll want to add-"

" **A GUN!** " A young girl's voice shouted and a hand shoved a handgun directly into the pot with the mixture, causing Jaune to yell in shock and throw himself backward. Unfortunately, this caused him knock over a precariously balanced block of chef's knives, which fell off the shelf from above and causing one of them to impale him directly in the head, causing everything to quickly go dark. His last view was one Ruby Rose, her cheeks pink with embarrassment. "S-Sorry!"

A beat.

A moment.

Jaune's eyes flutter open to find himself staring at Ruby, laughing nervously. "Sorry 'bout that…"

"Ruby...how did you get in?"

"Through the roof!"

Jaune blinked. "...and why did you add a _gun_ to my recipe?"

Ruby smiled. "Because everything is a gun!"

Jaune groaned. "No, Ruby, everything is _not_ a gun…"

The cute, hooded reaper giggled and shook her head. "Nonsense! Just watch!" The young girl turned to the pot with the mushroom mixture and pressed something under the handle, only for the pot to suddenly shift quickly, spilling the mixture across the stove. Before Jaune's very eyes, the pot abruptly shifted into a handgun, causing Jaune's jaw to drop. As he sat there on the floor, surrounded by knives, Ruby turned to a larger saucepan and pressed part of the outside, causing it too to shift into a gun as well. It wasn't until Ruby approached the refrigerator that Jaune managed to find his voice. " _ **WAIT!**_ "

Ruby paused. "See! Everything's a gun!"

Jaune whimpered and groaned, shaking his head. "Why would Ozpin...how do you…" His face went pale and he shook his head some more even as Ruby laughed, as though ignorant to Jaune's rapidly dwindling sanity.

All while Ren continued to roll…

* * *

 _Death Count: 2,044_

* * *

 **A/N: Okay, this was originally going to be a double length chapter, but with Persona 5 coming out soon, time will be at an even heavier premium, so I'm splitting this up into two parts. We want to make sure everyone in our cast has a chance to ruin, I MEAN HELP Jaune's cooking show! I'd like to say that I'll be updating more, but well…**

 **I got hearts to steal. Signing off for now, this is LaughingLefou.**


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